Hopeless
by Potatogirrrl
Summary: Jean and Marco have been best friends ever since forever. They have shared everything, they have lived everything together - the only problem is the growth of their feelings over the years. Marco knows what he wants while Jean is... hesitating. The story of two hopeless teens trying to figure out what happiness means to them.
1. Teal

The first time I walked inside the kindergarten I knew I wasn't going to like it there. Why? The question is pretty simple to answer: because I was not the type to enjoy crowds and strangers, I was unsure of myself and I was hiding beside my mother's skirt all the time. But that didn't mean I had enough courage to tell anyone, I just stepped in, half crying and waited to see what was going on. Everyone was staring at first because I was a chubby child but then one of them came running to me, taking me by surprise when he handed me one of the cars he was playing it. He had curly sandy hair and light brown eyes and as soon as I took the toy he extended his hand too.

"Hi, my name is Jean Kirschten" he grinned, showing me his missing tooth and I took it, fascinated by his forward personality. Even at the sandpit he had this noisy way of being but deep inside he was not mean at all, he was just trying to hide the fact that he was shy too; he was not the first child I knew who used this behaviour as a coping mechanism. We were spending our days playing around and sometimes talking about silly things and one of the days Jean came running to me, telling me that he found out about a new game we could play. "My mom said you can play it only with the person you like the most"

"I like you the most too so I guess it's alright" I said raising my shoulders and he chuckled. "How is this called?"

"It's called kissing" he explained in a mysterious manner. We were in the backyard, away from everyone else when we were talking about this and I felt a little hesitant because I never played this game before. He came closer and pursed his lips. "You have to do like this" I furrowed my brows, concentrated and did so, when I felt his lips on mine and we both burst into giggles before doing it again, it was nice but we got bored soon so we left to play in the tree-house.

Back then there were only innocent pecks between toddlers, everyone did that and those pecks turned into a long-time friendship; my desk mate in middle school was Jean Kirschtein, the only difference being the fact that he could pronounce his name now. The rage and the short temper was the same which was quite dangerous for the other kids beside me that wanted to bother him just to see the way he would react. And we got in the same high school which was amazing because we were best buddies and I liked it to remain like this. We were hanging with others too but I was the one knowing everything about Jean Kirschtein - from the fact that he liked to wear pastel-colored boxers to his favorite type of cereal.

And now, the same Jean Kirschtein was laying on my bed, playing a videogame bored, trying to get above my score. Like that was possible. But that was not what was bothering me, the reason why I was feeling so uncomfortable was because he didn't want to go home even if his parents were probably worried and he was going to get a good punishment for it. I mean, they knew he was here most probably but that didn't mean it was not 11 o'clock and we didn't have classes tomorrow at 8.

"So how are things going with Mikasa?" at the name he stopped the game and looked at me slightly worried. "What?"

"Nothing happens" he said as a matter of fact and pressed play again, unconvincingly as I began to wonder what was going on. He had a crush on her since middle school and I really wondered how she was so oblivious towards it; she was all about her adoptive brother, Eren Jeager. It made me wonder if that was the reason why Jean hated the kid so much. "Why are you asking?" he searched for the bowl of sweets that was next to him and grabbed a lollipop that he unwrapped, placing it in his mouth.

"Just wondering" I said and shrugged my shoulders, taking my white pillow and snuggling it close to my chest.

"How are things going with Nate?" I hesitated too, at the spoken name, but that had other reasons behind. Nate was a guy I met two weeks ago when we started our third year of high school and when I realized we were in the same math class, he was nice and all and he was probably having a crush on me but I didn't want to get involved, I had my reasons. And one of the reasons was playing Pokemon a few feet away from me.

"He said he likes my freckles" Jean snorted.

"Please, everyone likes your freckles" He rolled his eyes and left the game down, turning to look at me. "They're cute" I felt my cheeks heating but I stopped myself from being so obvious and threw the pillow I was holding at him.

"Our classmates from middle-school didn't like them"

"That's because they were all retarded, we're talking about normal people here" he said and I burst into laughter. He got up and went to the desk from where he picked a blue ball-pen and came close to me. He grasped my arm and began to connect the freckles on it, soon enough creating the shape of a five-angles star. "See? This is one of the perks" I rolled my eyes.

"I am good drawing paper?"

"Yea, and it's also good if you don't know how to draw, you just connect dots" we both burst into laughter and I heard knocks on the door. My mother came in, a worried look on her face, indicating both of us that Mrs. Kirschtein called. "I got it, thank you" he said and she left with a smile.

"I guess my mom just kicked you out, sorry" I smiled and he pouted.

"Well, I might forgive you if you wake me up tomorrow morning" he said and I chuckled, helping him up.

"Deal" I grinned and he picked his backpack, leaving the scene smoothly. There was something about Jean Kirschtein that I simply couldn't let go of. It was like I was infatuated with him, every person I was meeting was immediately compared to him and the first things I was thinking about was "Would Jean like this?" or "What would Jean do?" I wanted to believe it was just because we've been spending so much time together but even I wasn't dumb enough not to realize I was in love with him. I first realized that when we were in 7th grade and he beat the shit out of a guy that was bullying me. It's been only 4 years since then and I made no progress because I didn't want to risk our friendship for something like this : Jean was not the type to be serious about love and I wasn't going to gamble our time together.

After he's been gone I went to have a shower and then straight to bed because I knew tomorrow was going to be hard on me. By waking up, he meant the process of being called every five minutes for half an hour because he was a really heavy sleeper and otherwise he would miss the first few classes. His parents were working so it was all my duty to see for his schooling - which made me feel like a freaking mama. We walked to school together and after that we parted because we had different classes: I had advanced math while he could barely count; I sat next to Nate who smiled brightly to me.

"Hi" I said politely and opened the notebook to see what was the last thing we discussed.

"Hi, Marco" a small pause followed. "You look fresh" he smiled widely, showing me his white and perfectly straight teeth before placing some raven strands of hair behind his ear. He was attractive, obviously and he was into me - which was a mystery for everyone, but I simply couldn't bring myself to see him as a potential boyfriend. I nodded, hesitantly and spotted his glasses were a little dirty. "Have you thought about?..." he was talking about his proposition. Last week when we were having the same class he's asked me to go out with him for a date. I sighed.

"Nate, I think you're a really cute guy and all..." I cringed, I didn't like to do this to people.

"But" he said grinning and I frowned.

"But I have feelings for someone else and..."

"Jean Kirschtein?" he asked and I think I turned 60 shades of red because he burst into laughter, making me pick the notebook up and place it in front of my face. Oh my God, was it this obvious? Did everyone know? Did Jean know? "I mean, you always hang around together but I know he's straight. Didn't he had a fling last year with that chick that won the science contest?" I nodded, feeling uncomfortable. Shit, I knew already how hopeless I was, I didn't want other people to point at me how little chances I had with the guy I was into. Just then, the math teacher, Mike Zacharias entered the class and searched the crowd with small eyes.

"Bodt, could you take these forms to the headteacher?" I nodded and got up, saved by the bell. Or by the teacher. Mr. Smith was nice so I sure could get the papers to him, especially if that meant getting away from the uneasy conversation. I took the pile and took it to the main hall where the secretary, Petra Ral was typing at the laptop; she smiled at me and took the papers so I headed back, because everyone was in class. Only they weren't.

"Oh my dear God, is that Marco Bodt skipping class?" Jean's voice boomed and I found myself took in strong arms and spun around, struggling to get out of his hold.

"I am not skipping, Zacharias sent me with some papers to Smith's office" I avoided his eyes because of the past conversation and because I felt like melting if he would watch me with those honeys but he didn't let me go that easy. "What are you doing here?" I looked around to see we were alone.

"Well, I actually texted you that I wanted to go somewhere this hour. Wanna go with me?" I frowned. "Come on, don't be a sourpuss" he whispered and I hit his arm, making him yelp.

"Where?"

"You'll see" we left, careful not to be seen and began to talk meaningless things, like how boring the school was and about the party that was going on tonight. It was Friday and someone's birthday so it was the perfect excuse for illegal drinking and smoking. We walked and walked until we stopped in front of a tattoo shop and I began to freak out.

"What the fuck? You're not getting a tattoo, Jean Kirschtein!" I shouted and he burst into laughter.

"No, mom, I am getting my ear pierced so calm down. Take a chill pill" I rolled my eyes and still hesitated. "Oh, come on, you know I wanted this for a while" I stepped in even if I was intimidated by the place and soon a beardy man came to ask us what did we want. He said he wanted two piercings in the same ear and honestly, it was faster that I thought. When he was asked what colours did he want he picked orange and then turned his eyes to me. "So? What colour do you want me to have?"

"Huh?" I stopped in tracks a little and then convinced my brain to work. "Teal" Teal was my favorite color since I was in first grade or second so he probably wasn't all that shocked. He smirked and took the ring and we somehow found ourselves in a Starbucks where he was paying for our order. "That's for taking me by surprise"

"Actually is to thank you" I raised a brow, confused. "I wanted you to come with me because I was kinda scared to do it alone" he smiled, showing me a cute dimple and I smiled back, trying to control my feelings and not look like a lovesick puppy.

"Marco Bodt, cleaning your mess since .. I don't know, years ago"

"More than ten, either way" he winked and took a sip from his drink. "So, Nate?"

"I don't know, he's hot and all but I don't want to be with him"

"Dude, he's smoking hot!" Jean burst and I chuckled.

"How would you know? You like girls" He shrugged his shoulders and grinned stupidly.

"I am not dumb, I am can see things when they're beautiful" I don't know why but when he said that I felt like blushing and looked away. "Why not? You should go for it" I half-snorted. Yea, I should go on and live happily ever after with that guy, and maybe I would have did that if he wasn't part of the equation. Maybe I wasn't mature enough to accept he wasn't gay; I was such a fool. We went back to classes and it happened that I bumped into Nate during lunch and he asked me if I was going to the party tonight, because he was going to be there. A-fucking-mazing.

The party was at that guy's house and everyone from our group was there, even the screaming Eren and the nerdy Armin, they were all having a good time and dancing. When I arrived Jean was already half drunk and dancing seductively in front of a few girls that were giggling and touching him all over. When I saw that I decided I needed some drinks so I went to pick a bottle of beer and sat down beside Sasha that was looking at the same picture as me.

"Jesus, is he bad" she muttered and I nodded, chuckling. Long story short? He got so drunk he could barely talk anymore and I had to pick him up and take him to my house because his parents would have killed him if they would have seen him like that. I asked Reiner to take us home because he hasn't been drinking and we sneaked inside as it was 4 A.M. He was giggling like a schoolgirl.

"Jean, hush it!" I warned and he fell on the bed, his face down. I was scared he might suffocate so I went to turn him over.

"Don' make 'e sleep on the ground" he slurped and I rolled my eyes. "Is cold there"

"I'll take the floor" I said and began to undress, taking my puked pants down - yes, he did that too, when we were waiting for Reiner to get his keys. I went to place them in the bathtub and when I came back he was looking at me, one hand behind his head.

"Don' sit on the floo', sleep he'e" he hiccuped. "We've done that befo'" he said and motioned me to get closer. I sighed because there were two opportunities: to get in bed with him and feel guilty because he was dead drunk and I was taking advantage of him or to sit on the floor, have a back pain the next morning and probably wake up the whole house because he was surely to begin screaming. So yea, I took the first option. "That's a goo' boy" he said and snuggled closer to me, wrapping an arm around me. Oh fuck, I could feel my heartbeat increasing with every breath. He was half asleep already but I couldn't close an eye because he was so close that I could feel his entire body. It was not the first time we've been like this but that didn't mean I was calmer - and the sucker had no idea, he was oblivious while everyone else could tell. SHIT. I fell asleep long after the sun rose and was woken up by my mother who was announcing us it was near lunch time. He stretched next to me.

"Shit, my head is killing me" he whined and I pushed him out of the bed. He fell on the floor with a loud noise and I burst into laughter. "What the fuck?"

"You were killing me, you weight too much to let me carry you all"

"And it's all muscle" he grinned and I rolled my eyes. It didn't matter, my bones hurt.

"Shower, Kirschtein, then lots of water and food" I ordered and he turned on his sexy heels, showing me his broad back. He ran his fingers through his sandy hair, especially his undercut and opened the bathroom door. I fell back in bed and took in our combined smells when I realized just how hopeless and desperate I looked so I picked my phone and searched for Nate's number. I tapped on the word "text" and wrote hurried.

 _Let's go out tonight. If you still want, of course._ It didn't last one minute until my phone pinged.

 _Sure thing xx ;)_


	2. Talk me down

I stretched my arms and threw my legs out of the bed, already hearing my parents talking downstairs. Damn, was it legal for people to be this loud on Saturday morning? I decided that I will be against it once I achieve my president position. I burst into laughter – _yea, right._ I was going to become president at the time when Shakira would and that was close to impossible. I picked a pair of bright green boxers and went to take a shower, turning up the volume on Sia's new album and killing it singing (or more like killing my neighbours and getting almost arrested for indecent exposure). As soon as I got out of the shower I dried my hair and ran my fingers through it, trying to not make the undercut look weird - why was my hair so impossible? Well, it was partly my fault because I was keeping it longer than most boys did but people usually liked it - most girls wanted to run their fingers through it.

I dressed and went downstairs where my father was reading his newspaper like a typical all-American father and my mother sent me a deathly glare before putting my omelette in front of me.

"Mornin!" I yawned and they nodded silently. The radio was on and I heard all about football players until I got sick of it and went to change the station to a music one. Even if it was crappy music it was better than stupid talking. My mother sat down next to me and picked up a apple she began to chew on.

"I heard you skipped some classes last week" I nodded shameless and didn't explain. "I would appreciate if you would announce me when this happens"

"Okay" I said simply and put my plate in the sink. "I'll do the dishes tonight" I sacrificed myself and her mood rose considerably and she asked me what I planned for today. Well, nothing was planned, like on every Saturday of my life but when my phone pinged I knew that changed. I looked to see who was it from and found out it was from "Freckled Captain America":

 _ **My place. ASAP. Urgent no 1.**_

A "no1" meant it was a really serious issue so I looked around to see if I forgot something and told them I was going to Marco before they could protest. We were living a few stations away from each other so it took me about 20 minutes to get there. I knocked at the door and there came Mrs. Bodt who had gorgeous black hair falling in waves and a very bright lipstick on her lips. She was looking fab, it was freaky because I felt like she looked the same since the first time I saw her years ago.

"Hello, Jean, come in" she said and then left to put another earring in. "Marco's upstairs having a crisis" I frowned.

"Huh?"

"He's got a date." Ooooh, that explained things. Marco was as innocent as Jesus when it came to love so he probably thought it was too much. "By the way, how is this Nate?" While Marco's father was not too happy with his son being gay, his mother was very opened-minded and looked forward to her son's love life. I shrugged.

"He's a nice kid, I guess, he's pretty, that's for sure" I said and stepped on the stairs when I heard a loud thump. "I'll go, have a nice day!" I shouted and she wished me the same. I might've been a jerk but parents loved me, I don't know why. I was a parents' magnet. I didn't bother to knock on the door, I entered and found a destroyed room where once was the neat place in which Marco Bodt was spending most of his life. There were clothes everywhere and a shoe flew to me so I bent not to be hit. "Friend, no foe" I shouted and he stopped in tracks, turning to me.

"Fast" was his only remark.

"You said it was a no.1" I said and fell on the bed on top of a few pairs of trousers and he began searching in the closet. "So you have issues with the clothes?" I mean, it was the first time he saw me in more than a week, he could have at least asked how my life has been but whatever. I was not gonna act like a whiny chick.

"That's not it" he said and I looked around for a solution. Dark blue skinny jeans and a creme shirt, that was the resolve so I handed them to him and he took them, willingly.

"Then what is it?" He put the clothes on, giving me a nice floor show, yes, he really did have freckles all over and they looked like constellations, especially on his back. He then turned around, a little flushed and I wondered what was wrong. "What is it?" I insisted and he came closer to sit down beside me. He was looking really nervous but it wasn't like I could do anything about it so I just waited until he turned bright red and began to speak.

"Well, with Nate, we never really kissed" He blinked and I burst into laughter because he was acting like a fool.

"And what have you been doing? Holding hands?" He pushed me down.

"Don't be a jerk, I didn't mean like that" he growled and I chuckled again. "I mean... French" I opened my eyes widely, wondering if he was thinking about the same thing I was thinking about because that was freaking insane. "And I want you to teach me" Yep, that was it, Marco Bodt was a inconsiderate bastard.

"Dude, I am straight" I reminded him and he rolled his eyes.

"I'll buy you the new armour in Counter Strike" he offered and I opened my mouth in shock because he would go this far. "Because you're a gold-digger and can't do anything without profit"

"Jee, thanks" I said, beginning to be a little annoyed. I mean I came here as soon as possible so I could hear his complains and he was treating me like this. But whatever, he was a hopeless little shit so I guess I could do that. Especially that he was doing those puppy eyes. Marco's chocolate puppy eyes were really crucial - they could stop wars. "Okay, you have a date today?"

"Yea, he'll be here soon" he said and I looked at the clock.

"All you have to do is lean closely to him" I said and he did that fast enough for us to bump our foreheads. "Not this fast, dumbass. Like this" I said and leaned close so I could feel his breath on my skin. It was hot and it gave me shivers but I didn't kiss him because I had to teach him. "Now, you have to lean on a side because the noses collide if you don't" I said and he angled his face so it was perfect for a kiss. "You start with a soft kiss, slow and chaste" I said and I did it, tasting his fleshy lips that were waiting. They were kinda sweet so I wondered if he used chapstick because it slightly tasted like strawberries. I leaned back, keeping a minuscule distance between us and explained further. "You have to close your eyes and then try again, a little harsher and lick his lips so he could understand that you want to slip your tongue in his mouth" I decided to give him an example so I did as I told, slowly brushing his lips with my tongue, savouring his taste. His tongue was brushing against mine, pushing his saliva in my mouth. I was a little forceful so he almost ended up on his bed when I let him go.

"Is it good?" he was panting so I grinned.

"You could do it a little gentler, don't just push your tongue, let it brush his mouth"

"Your mouth?" he asked and I half-grinned. I nodded.

"Okay, you can do it one more time" I accepted and he came to do it this time, his tongue slowly brushing against mine, it was feeling good and it had some influence on my groin which was weird because last time I checked I was straight. But Marco was cute so I guess I could pass this one. He moaned in my mouth and I bit his lower lip when he came onto me more forcefully and we were lost in a real make-out session. Okay, what the fuck was going on? Aaaaand his phone rang. We stopped and he looked at it.

"Shit, he's here, I'm out!" he announced and then looked in the mirror. "Do I look okay?" I smiled.

"Cute" I said and got up to ruffle his curls. "Have fun"

"Thanks" We both got downstairs but I waited for them to leave so I wouldn't cause any problems. I went back home where I found a note on the fridge that said they were to leave for a wedding tonight and I was all alone so I went to my bedroom because I felt really horny. I didn't know what was going on with my body but I was semi-hard. I began to think about Mikasa, sucking me or something similar but it didn't work. I took my dick in my hand and began to pump it fast, trying to get a reaction but it didn't work when I thought about her, I even tried to think about some porn stars. I was real frustrated but then a familiar face came in my mind. Freckles all over, dark brown eyes, curly hair, a perfect mouth wrapped around me. I squeezed the base and moaned loudly before I pumped one more time and I came all over my hand. Well, fuck. I didn't understand what was going on but I wasn't going to think too hard either so I went to clean up and then called Armin to ask him if he would want to go to the movies tonight.

He agreed so after I had my lunch I met him and we went to play videogames before the movie started. I was a little pissed and felt shitty so I was not a nice person, not that he would complain. He beat the shit out of me at console so he picked the movie - a psychological bullshit movie.

"What's wrong with you?" he asked while drinking his water.

"Nothing, I'm a little pissed because of Marco" he raised a brow. "He's been acting like a shit with me since he got together with Nate. I barely see him"

"You do realise that's how it's gonna be from now on, right?"

"What do you mean?"

"Well when people go to boyfriend island they don't see their friends very much" I frowned.

"But that's never happened before, I've known him for years and now he's barely answering my texts"

"He never had a boyfriend before, did he?" I thought about it and realized he was right, I was the person who had girlfriends and flings, Marco was a saint. But that wasn't an excuse because I never pushed him aside for a girl while he completely ignored me for a week and now asked me favours. "Let's go, it's starting" he pulled on my arm and we got inside and guess what? God hated me because there were two people in the hall - Marco and Nate and they were laughing at something until Marco saw me and almost paled. "Is that Marco?" I nodded.

"Come on, let's take our places" I said loud enough and went to sit next to Marco who was sitting next to Nate and forced Armin to sit next to me. "Hi" I said and they smiled, Nate a little uncomfortable. Well, he should fucking be. Armin leaned closer to me.

"Shouldn't we take our real places?"

"Shut up" I said and the movie began. But I couldn't concentrate because they were holding hands and the fact that was bothering me was not that but the fact that it was annoying me that they did. I mean, they could do the hell they wanted to as much as I cared. Thankfully they haven't kissed while I was there and after the movie finished we said almost said our good-byes when Armin remembered something.

"Oh, why don't you come to Eren's house tonight? We'll have a party" I almost wanted to break his legs when they said they will come as a couple but I didn't, being too pissed. I decided I would go too because I could come home dead drunk if I wanted to. I went home and smoked a pack of cigarettes until I dressed myself up - in brown jeans and a black shirt with cats and called a cab. That fucking Eren lived only a few neighbourhoods away so I got there really fast and after I paid the driver I got in, looking around for some booze. Sasha was there so I went to her and picked a beer.

"Hi to you too" she said and I smiled.

"I need you as my therapist" I said and she chuckled. Sasha was a close friend and even if she was acting goofy, she was very trustful and I could tell her anything. We went to Eren's bedroom where I told her everything while drinking and drinking and smoking and drinking. She watched me careful, nodding from time to time and drinking a little herself.

"Okay, I need to break it to you" she said and got up. "But first, I'll go and take a bag of chips" I waited for her to come back, oblivious to the drunks that were laying on the bed almost comatose. She came back and sat in front of me, her legs crossed. "You've fallen for him" I opened my mouth. "I bet you thought the kisses and hugs were all games"

"I did not fall for him. I've known him since forever, I couldn't have fallen for him now"

"Yes you did, you wouldn't have felt jealous now if you haven't" I rolled my eyes.

"I am not fucking jealous"

"Yes you are. Look, let's do it like this: close your eyes" I did and giggled because I was feeling dizzy. "Now, think about Marco and Nate." I nodded. "On a bed, maybe Marco's, making out like you two did this morning" I frowned. "And Nate slowly undresses Marco and"

"Fuck no" I growled and she burst into laughter, stuffing her mouth with chips.

"See?" I looked away, bothered. I was drunk and sad. "Don't be sad, I can tell you something" she came closer and rested her back on the wall behind me, so now we were very close. I was wondering what more she could tell me. "Marco had a crush on you for a real long time" I opened my eyes widely, in disbelief.

"No"

"Yes, he did"

"Did he tell you?"

"No, but you didn't have to be a genius to realize it."

"He's gay, Sasha, I am sure he would have told me if that was the case"

"Or maybe he didn't want to ruin things between you if you didn't feel the same" I closed my eyes because it was all a mess. I got up and she tried to stop me but I was ready to go and find that little freckled shit and tell him a few things. And it was a perfect timing because they just had arrived, hand in hand. I went closer, shaking a little and told Marco with a straight face: "We need to talk". He furrowed his brows.

"You're drunk, Jean, we'll talk when you're sober" But I didn't accepted that, I took his hand in mine and pulled him outside. "What the fuck?" he muttered. "Jean I am here with Nate, I'll go back to him" Nate, Nate, Nate. That Nate pissed me off, it fucking killed me to see him this absorbed.

"Well, what about me? We haven't seen each other in ages"

"We saw each other this morning" he said in disbelief and I rolled my eyes because he was impossible. Impossible and adorable in the moonlight.

"Before that" I slurped. I might've been drunk but I was well aware of what was going on.

"We'll talk tomorrow, okay?" he tried to get in but I stopped him. "Step aside, Jean, my boyfriend is inside" he said and I fucking lost it. It was the same - he was pushing me away for a guy he just met.

"So now he's your boyfriend, after you said you couldn't see him as anything" He threw me a warning glance. "What about me? Why haven't you told me you have feelings for me?"

"Cause I don't have anymore, you're straight and I'm seeing another guy!" he yelled, taking me by surprise. Marco never yelled at me.

"And does he know you jerk off thinking of me?" I yelled back and he watched me with a blank expression. I thought I really fucked it up and he would never talk to me again and then his fist made contact with my face and I fell down on the grass. He kept hitting me and at a point I realized what was going on and began to hit back, hitting for his liver. He groaned in pain and we kept fighting until I felt blood in my mouth and I saw his nose was bleeding.

"You're such an asshole!" He yelled and suddenly Eren appeared and pulled Marco off me. He had a hit eye so I felt a shiver at the sight.

"Guys, stop!" Eren said, letting him go slowly.

"Yea? If I'm such an asshole why have you spent so much time with me?" I shouted, angered. His eyes darkened and he brought his hand to the swollen area of his face, watching me still shocked. I realized it just dawned to him what he's done so I took a big breath and waited.

"I really don't know" he muttered and grabbed Eren's arm to regain his balance. "Please leave me alone" he said and I relaxed on the grass where I already was, staring at the star-filled sky. Soon Sasha was by my side and she was helping me up and calling a cab so she could take me home. I asked her to stay with me for the night, nothing sexual, I just wanted a friend around and after I sobered up I went to the bathroom where I ran a shower. I stepped in the small space and after a really really long time I felt tears sliding down my cheeks. I wanted to believe it was the hot water but I knew it wasn't so I got out of there and looked in the mirror to see my pathetic fucked up face. I had blue marks and also a cut lip but I couldn't give less fucks. I got out, barely seeing in front of me and found Sasha on the bed, flicking the channels of the TV.

"I can't- I can't stop" I sobbed and she got up, alarmed.

"Come here" she whispered and I went closer to rest my face in her lap and let her caress my hair. "You've just had your heart broken, it's normal to cry" But it wasn't normal for me, I didn't want to feel this shit for some crush I discovered over the day. But it was not only like that, I lost my fucking friend, I lost Marco. I sobbed when I thought of that again and felt Sasha's fingers through my hair. "It's okay, try to sleep" I closed my eyes and drowned in nothingness.


	3. Sandcastles

"I still can't believe Jean punched you" my mother muttered as she was seeing for my wounds. Her fingers were checking for infections and I wondered how could she tell, she was a psychologist, not a doctor but I guess every mother could do that.

"Well, I started it so..." I said and checked my phone. It's been more than a week and I haven't seen him at all, not even at school, he was skipping classes big time and he wasn't online either. Maybe he blocked me. I did tell him that I wanted to be left alone but that was because he was an ass and didn't take my feelings in consideration. He was such a jerk when he didn't get what he wanted; I had to admit he looked a little jealous when he told me all that but I knew Jean Kirschtein - he was the hit and go type, we could never have a serious relationship and I wasn't going to let myself be his plaything. I was not a toy and now I was going out with Nate that was cute and knew how to respect the lines I drew.

"It's still bad, are you sure you want to go swimming today? I can call and tell them you're feeling unwell"

"No, it's okay, I want to go" I said. I was in the school's swimming team since I was a rookie in highschool and it became quite a passion because when I was in the water I could think about the things I liked and not be bothered by anyone. It helped me clear my head. "And I think I'll meet Nate this evening" I added and she nodded. I went back to my bedroom where I packed my swimsuit and everything I needed and then dressed in skinny jeans and a Captain America t-shirt that I received from Jean on my last birthday. He was silly thinking that I was so alike to that hero but I really liked the shirt so it was no harm done.

The city was filled with agitated people and I took the metro to the school because it was faster. There were tons of people sleeping or reading on the metro so I put my headphones in and let them blow my brain with a new album I've just bought. I was feeling frustrated with the whole situation and truly, all I wanted was to put an end to it. The swimming was okay, my timing was good and after that I went to have lunch alone before meeting Nate to go to bowling. As soon as I got there I realized I was alone so I groaned and waited until arms wrapped around me and my mood brightened.

"Hi there" he said and turned me around so he could kiss me softly.

"Hi" I replied and he took my hand in his, pulling me inside the arcade.

"Your face looks better" I chuckled.

"Thanks. I still have hard times trying to sleep on the left side" I said and he chuckled, lightening the mood. I was quiet and I realized it was awkward the third time I found him staring at me with a worried look. "I'm sorry, I don't mean to spoil your fun, I am just doing a lot of thinking these days. Jean and I never fought like this before" He was obviously not pleased to hear about Jean and I could understand but when he said he wanted to go out with me he also said that he could make me forget. He had a quarter of me so far but this incident made me question the whole situation. And what did Jean mean with that question - why haven't I told him? Simple; because I knew him too well. He was acting like a possessive jerk.

"Come here" he urged and I moved closer on the couch, leaving my Cola behind. He wrapped his arms around me and I leaned on his shoulder, surprised to feel his minty scent. I was used to Jean's pine. "You and Jean will gonna be just fine, you've been friends all your life" he said and I smiled at him.

"Thanks, sorry for talking about him, I know you don't like him a lot"

"Well, he's the reason why you can't fall in love with me now and he gave you this beautiful black eye" I burst into laughter and gently pushed him away.

"Are you saying my black eye isn't sexy?" He pouted and ruffled his silky hair.

"I never said that"

"I am still kicking your ass this match" I announced playfully and went to pick my blue ball. And I did because I was very good at games - any type of games and after that we went to his car - a new Wolkswagen (his parents were rich) where we had a nice make-out session. I had to say it was a little different than it was with Jean - Nate was pushing a lot more saliva inside my mouth and making the kisses sloppier. Not that it was bad, it was just different but even like that when I closed my eyes I began to shiver because I suddenly felt the smell of pine surround me and I imagined Jean's long fingers grab my lower back and pulling me closer. His mouth traced the side of my jaw and began to suck on my neck, leaving hickeys behind and I moaned out loud, wondering if that was really my voice. When I opened my eyes and found another color instead of sandy hair I pushed Nate away, panting.

"What's the matter?" he asked worried and I shook my head, trying to catch my breath.

"Nothing, sorry" I said lamely and he put the keys in contact.

"Do you want me to drive you home?" I look outside to see it was dark so I nodded and turned on the radio. Well, it wasn't the only thing turned on around here. I burst into laughter at my silly joke and then cuddled in my side, putting the safety belt on. I yawned and closed my eyes, hearing Nate's soft singing.

* * *

Andy was the new kid in the neighbourhood so I tried my best to be friendly to him - he didn't have many buddies and he was shy so I thought I will be doing charity. We were at the sandpit with our tools and were trying to build things when a certain blonde boy came to me with a big smile and told me:

"Come on, Marco, let's build a castle" I shook my head.

"No, I am playing with Andy today" He looked at me like I was sick because I never said no to him before and then turned around to take his leave. He went to the swings with a few girls and Andy and I began our building which after half an hour turned out to be a nice castle. I could see Jean was peeking from time to time to see what we were doing and he started his own building with Sasha, even putting plastic shells on it. Andy and I were laughing when he got so frustrated that he came running to us and fitted his feet right in our building, making it crumble. I was shocked, even if Andy didn't care very much and suddenly I began to cry, sobbing real hard and beginning my walk on my way to the alley.

"Marco, where are you going?" Jean asked, scared and came to walk next to me.

"Home!" I sobbed loud and he ran in front of me and stopped me.

"Wait, Marco, don't go home!" he begged and I looked up to see he had tears in his honey eyes. "Please don't go home, I am sorry. You can have my castle, I'll give you all the shells" I looked back to that beautiful building and wondered what should I do. "Don't cry" he asked and wiped my tears off my cheeks. We were 7 but I was still a crybaby, especially when he was mean to me. I nodded and he held my hand tightly in his.

"Don't be rude to me" I whispered and he kissed my cheek, taking me by surprise.

"Okay"

* * *

I felt something soft against my lips and opened my eyes to realize it was Nate's mouth brushing against mine. I looked to see I was in front of my house and he smiled.

"Wake up, sleeping beauty!" he sang and I chuckled.

"Thanks for today" I said, getting ready to get out. "Good night" he waved from the driver's seat.

"Good night" I put my jacket better on my shoulders and headed for the house, seeing the light was on. I knew my mom was probably there so I went straight to the kitchen where she was boiling some pasta. I was wondering how came she cooked so late but didn't say anything, instead just saluted her.

"Hi, baby, how was your date?" I shrugged my shoulders. "You could be a little more enthusiastic" she said sarcastic and I went to the fridge to pick the bottle of orange juice and pour some in a glass. I was enthusiastic... I think. "Where did he take you"

"We went bowling" She smiled and asked me to offer her the sauce. "Here"

"Cynthia called" Cynthia was Jean's mother and I wonder what she needed, usually she wasn't involving herself in her son's private life. "She asked me for a notary number" I frowned, wondering what was all that about. "Do you have any idea?"

"Maybe they have problems with their car or something" I said trying to look impassive, even if I began to get worried.

"Don't you think you should call Jean and ask him if everything's fine?" I shook my head. No way, he would better be the first one to ask for forgiveness because I was tired of always being the first one to give up - no matter if we were talking about sandcastles or fights. A notary? That was weird. "His ego is big"

"Oh, trust me, I know that" I said on a very sassy tone and she giggled just when my father entered the room. I was sitting at the table and he sat right next to me, watching me with dangerously cold eyes. I could sense a weird aura around him so I waited for the matter.

"I heard you've got a boyfriend" I shrugged. Yea, Nate, boyfriend. He sighed and picked a pear he began to play with. "You know... When you said you were gay I thought it was just a phase but now it's really happening" I couldn't believe him; really? Why was he beginning this now? I was having enough things on my mind already. "And I don't get it, you've grown up just like any other child, we've given you everything"

"And what has my sexuality to do with this?" I asked a little too harsh and he widened his eyes.

"Jesus, Marco, I can't even look you in the eye these days, knowing some other guy..." He was talking about sex so I threw him a dirty look. I couldn't believe he was attacking me like that out of the blue. My father has been an awesome father since I was little but once I came out, two years ago, our dynamics changed considerably, it was like he believed I was sick and I hated every bit of it. Thank God he was travelling with his work and was barely home, otherwise this conversation would have happened long ago.

"Then you can't look at any woman either." I said acting bored, even if my blood was boiling and sipped from my juice.

"We're a respectable Christian family..." That was it.

"So what? I believe in God, I do, it has nothing to do with the fact that I like boys. Nothing else has anything to do with the fact that I like boys. I am the same Marco as I was 5 or 10 years ago." Yes, we were Christians, we were going to church and we prayed before dinner and we were doing charity; I was doing all those things and still everyone in the community looked at me like I was the devil. Well, fuck them - I had enough hate from outside, I didn't need my own father judging me. My mom came closer to rest her hand against my shoulder, seeing how affected I was by the talk. "Why can't you accept me?"

"It's not that, baby, your father loves you, he just has a hard time adjusting to the situation" I got up and put the glass in the sink, ready to get out of that place. I was feeling rejected and humiliated and alone. My father was ashamed thinking about the possibility of me being intimate with another guy, of me being taken. "Marco!" she shouted after me, trying to convince me to stay, but I didn't stop, I put my shoes on and got out of the house. I looked around, alarmed and began to walk down the pitch black road, my mind running wild. Why was he so closed-minded? I couldn't pretend for him, I couldn't spend my life simulating love for a girl so our family wouldn't be the "shame" of the town. This was the 21st century and still people like me were not accepted by the ones around them. I walked so fast I reached a park and just when I sat down to see if I had any money on me, my phone pinged. It was Nate asking me how was I. Too bad he wasn't the one I wanted to talk to.


	4. Never be like you

"You sure your parents are ok with this?" There was a beardy man holding a needle in front of me and as scared as I was I nodded. I was going to have my first tattoo. On a Friday morning while I should have been at school. But I wasn't, instead I was tattooing a simple heart close to my elbow - nothing special, I just wanted a tattoo and another piercing in my upper ear. It wasn't like anyone cared, right? It didn't hurt as much as I thought it would - which was encouraging but which didn't help with the time, I had nothing to do for the rest of the day. I went to pick a coffee soon after and then headed home where it was a dead silence. Like every day since last week.

My mother was preparing lunch and she was so devastated that she hasn't realized it was still a school hour so I sat down at the table and took an orange in my hand, beginning to peal it and making the bandage visible. The man known as my father entered the room and unlike my mom he spotted it right away and grabbed my arm, pulling me to my feet.

"Hey, what the fuck you're doing?" I asked annoyed and escaped his grasp. My shout was enough to make my mother turn around.

"What is that?"

"A tattoo" What was he? An idiot? It was obvious what it was but I didn't bother enough to tell him all that, instead I ignored his raging glance and sat back down.

"My son will not be a delinquent" I wanted to tell him he was not my father anymore but I shut it, knowing it wouldn't do any better. So what if he didn't want me tattooed? It wasn't like I would get it removed or rip my skin off. "You hear me? I am talking to you!" No reaction, just a sigh.

"And why would I listen to a guy who can't keep it in his pants?" I asked and something hit me so hard that I fell over the table, turning it over. It was his fist and my mother stepped between us, helping me up.

"Stop this, don't hurt him!" She then turned to me. "Jean, don't talk like that to your father" Yea, right. I got up and threw him a deadly glance before picking a beer from the fridge. I was underage and drinking and guess what? I couldn't give less fucks.

"I can't, ma, not when he's treating you like shit"

"The process is today at 4, you have to pick who do you want to live with" It was clear that I wanted to live with my mom but I just nodded, knowing the judge had to hear it from me. My life crashed down last Tuesday when my mother found out that my father was having an affair - and not any type of affair, a two years old affair and the woman was pregnant which meant I was going to be a brother and everything was going to shit. I wasn't daddy's boy, I've never been but that didn't mean I could take something like this from him, I hated to see my mother crying because of that fucking bastard, I hated to think how he played us. I went closer to my mother and grasped her hand.

"Come, mom, let's go somewhere" She had swollen eyes and I knew she was close to falling in depression because she was barely talking and was always looking through things and people so I couldn't let her in the same place with that man. I knew he was to live with us until he found a place and I knew more fights will follow but right then my only mission was to get my mother out of there. "Go upstairs and change, I'll take the car" Thank God we had two cars. We took the old Chevrolet because it was bigger and even if it was red I didn't complain - it was a fine car. I put my phone in my jeans and went to start it, waiting for my mom that came a few minutes later wearing a summer dress. "You are a killer" I said and she smiled for the first time, leaning closer to me.

"You're a really good kid, Jean" I smiled back and she kissed my cheek.

"Let's go and eat out" I said, realizing I interrupted her lunch and she simply nodded so I turned the radio on, beginning to sing to some old rock song. She began to sing along so I smiled at her and soon we were at a very nice bistro where I went frequently and we ordered burgers, waiting for the waitress to bring our goodies.

"Who are you gonna pick?" She looked agitated so I put my hand on top of her, trying to ease her mind.

"You, of course" I half-smiled. "I could never live with that man" Tears flooded her blue eyes and I looked away, not wanting to see her this pained.

"I am grateful" That asshole had another family to go to while we were all alone, not that I minded, I wanted him go as soon as possible and I also wanted to have my old mother back, the one that would joke and smile around. I knew it wasn't easy for her and it would take a while and I wanted to be there for her. The waitress brought our frappes and the mood lightened. "What did you get?" she pointed at my tattoo and I chuckled.

"I've got a heart" she raised a brow. "Honestly, I just wanted to piss him" she giggled animated and I took the bandage down a few seconds so she could see the thin, black line.

"It looks good, it suits your sweet personality" I half-snorted and burst into laughter.

"You're the only one to describe me sweet, ma" I accused and the food came.

We ate and talked and when I received a message from Ymir that asked me if I wanted to go out I refused, saying I couldn't right now, which was true. I couldn't tell any of my friends what was going on, not even Sasha and I wanted to spend my day with my mother and make sure she was fine until the process. We went to the movies and after a coffee we presented ourselves to the court where tens of people I didn't know talked about my parents, who they didn't know. It was kind of funny, I was feeling like I've been living a lie and the illusion that was my parents' love shattered before my eyes. They never were the type of people who were always confessing their undying love to each other but seeing them like this was another level of shock. I didn't know who to believe anymore, I was looking at them arguing like I was staring at strangers, the only one who could make me react being the judge that had only one question. He said I was old enough to choose where I wanted to live and I simply said my mother because she could offer me the affection and the necessary care. Or more like, otherwise, she needed me.

They said that I was to do as I pleased and the three of us would live together until my father sorted things out which was like a freaking cosmic joke. I didn't even look at him once we got out, I put my light blue sunglasses on and took my mother's hand, heading for the car. She was crying uncontrollably right now so I held her a little, not knowing what to do.

"I a-am sorry, Jean" she whimpered and I brushed her light curly hair, as a reassurance that it was alright.

"Don't worry" I whispered and kissed the top of her head. "Let's go home" I said and turned around to see my father was looking at us worried. He should have thought of that before he's done all that so I totally ignored him and helped my mother in the passenger seat before taking my place. I was a little dizzy myself but I was careful until we got home and where I suggested my mother to go and have a short nap. I spent the time in my room, playing videogames and thinking on my own and feeling like I was alone in the world, no one could help me with this one, no one could hear me out. Knocks on the door. "Yea?" My father came in and I sighed. "Disappear"

"Jean, don't act like this"

"You're the last person to tell me how I should act" I said as a matter of fact and picked a red lollipop to place it in my mouth, watching him uninterested. "So? Why are you here?"

"I wanted to apologise" I smiled mockingly at his eat-shitting face and got up.

"I'm going out"

"Jean, please"

"Fuck you and fuck off!" I yelled and he got up, the same guilty look on his face. "Stay away from my mother" I growled and took my leather jacket because it was cold outside and went to knock on the guestroom's door where my mother was staying at the moment. She answered and her hair was wet so I realized she just had a shower. "Rest, mom, sweet dreams" I kissed her cheek and she watched me worried.

"Where are you going?" Anywhere but here. I couldn't handle this place, I couldn't handle the memories and the lies.

"I'll go out a bit"

"Okay, don't stay out late" she said but I was already downstairs, ready to put my shoes on. I looked in the mirror to see I was wearing black skinny jeans, a purple shirt and a leather jacket. It had to be good enough for tonight. I walked for a while, not knowing where I was heading to and thinking about how I should get myself a summer job or maybe even a part-time job so I could help with the house; I had to be the man of the house because Mr. Kirschtein didn't have enough balls for that. I didn't realize when the time fled but I realized it was three in the morning and I looked around to see the empty streets. I thought it was a good idea to remain out on a bench for tonight because I had no money but then it began to rain so I ran to a staircase where I sat down on the cold floor.

Shit was ugly. I got my phone out, wondering who I could call and began to search through my conversations. I stopped at Captain Freckles and sighed, wondering if I could do that, it was too early in the morning. I had no other chance so I type rapidly but I deleted the message three times. Before I realized I felt the emotions overwhelm me and decided to call. I waited, my heart going crazy in my chest while the tones repeated themselves and finally someone answered and I could hear a very groggy voice.

"What the fuck, it's three in the morning!" Marco silently shouted and I bit my lower lip. "Jean?" he probably checked who was calling.

"Y-yea" I gulped, realizing my voice was shaking. I looked around, wondering if I could get a drink at this hour. "Sorry to call this late." I said. Fuck, I didn't know how to ask him for this, it's been more than two weeks, he was probably sick and tired of me, he was probably happy.

"Where are you? Are you okay?" his voice was alarmed so I sighed but felt tears of relief in my eyes because he still cared.

"Could I come over?" I asked a little shy and I could hear some movements.

"Only if you sneak inside, where are you?"

"I'll be there in 20" I said and hurried to the metro that could take me to his neighbourhood. It was dangerous to take the metro right now but I was a soaked mess anyway so a knife wound or two wouldn't make any difference. Happily they didn't happen and in less than twenty minutes I arrived to the Bodt residence where I looked to see Marco's lamp was on. His room was on the first and only floor but it wasn't the first time I sneaked inside so I climbed the wall with ease, the rain still pouring and got in the balcony. They had a really nice house. I knocked on the glass and a sleepy Marco, dressed in black pants and a yellow oversized shirt let me in, watching me with an opened mouth. "Hi" I said unsure and he pointed at my hair, his mouth gaped.

"Oh my God!" My hair was grey since yesterday when I dyed it but I couldn't give less fucks about it. He searched for some towels that he threw at me and I began to dry myself out, looking at the floor and feeling incredibly uncomfortable. "What happened? Why are you not home?" I bit my lip, still not answering. "Jean"

"I'll leave once the rain stops" I promised and he groaned.

"That's not what I asked" he said exasperated. He came closer and I gave him the wet towels, looking around to see the room was neat once again, his queen sized bed untouched. "Jean?" I could barely hear him. "You don't have to leave until the morning" he whispered. "Change your clothes" he said and then began to look in his closet for a set of everything, even boxers. He was taller than me but I was buffer so he finally found some old t-shirt and a pair of sweatpants and threw them at me, letting me change fast in them. I was wondering if I was doing the right thing being there but honestly, he was the only person I could see right now, even if I was selfish for doing so. I sat on the bed and he sat on his black office chair in front of me. "What's going on, you look terrible" he said and I furrowed my brows, wanting to leave.

"I don't need this, fuck it" I said and began to undress, almost ripping his shirt off. He came closer and stopped me before taking hold of both my hands. He was watching me with worried brown eyes and I felt like crying seeing him like that.

"What's the matter?" He didn't let me go and I could feel his warm skin over mine, he had freckles on his hands, just like everywhere else on his body and I relaxed a little, knowing he meant no harm.

"My parents got divorced today, I can't go back there... I planned on sleeping outside but it began raining" I said lowly and watched his mouth gaping so wide that I thought his mandible was going to pop out.

"What? W-why?" he was confused, not as confused as me but still confused. "Why haven't you told me?" I shrugged my shoulders. Because you told me to leave you alone, because you have Nate. "Jean" he whined, his eyes almost teary and wrapped his arms around me, pulling me closer. "I am so sorry" he whispered and I didn't have any reaction, I just enjoyed his touch. "I am sorry I've been so cold, I didn't know" he was feeling guilty but I couldn't care less now about what happened, I was feeling dizzy and hurt. He took my hand like I was a small child and we rested on the bed, where he pulled the covers on both of us, watching me with agitated eyes. "What happened?"

"My father got another woman pregnant" There was an awkward silence between us and finally he found his words.

"And are you going to meet her?"

"No chance in hell" I groaned and buried my face in the pillow. "He's been with her for two years, he's been lying all this time" I muttered to myself and turned so my back was facing him. I didn't need his pity, all I needed was a place to sleep and clear my head in. I also wanted to cry but there was no way I would do that, I felt like my tears were all dried.

"Jean" he whispered, my name sounding perfect from his lips. I didn't react. "Please turn around, let's talk"

"I don't want to talk, I want to sleep" I whispered back.

"Okay, let's sleep" He scooted closer and grabbed my hand in his so now we were holding hands like we did when we were little and one of us was having a bad dream. Those happy moments seemed like an unrealistic fantasy right now but his body was pressed against mine and I knew he was real because he was breathing and I could feel his heartbeat against my back. "Good night"

"Night" I muttered and closed my eyes, trying to forget everything. I woke up at least 10 times during the night and when the alarm actually went off I groaned but got up, knowing I should be home. Marco got up himself and watched me with compassionate eyes before wishing me a good morning; like that was possible. He then saw the bandage he probably missed last night.

"What is that?"

"A tattoo" I took the bandage off and showed him the simple tattoo, making him frown. "I did all these to piss him off" I was referring to my hair too.

"It's nice" he smiled and helped me to cover it. "You can stay here for a while if you want to" I was wondering if he was missing me or if he was doing this out of empathy.

"No, I don't think Nate will appreciate another guy sleeping in his boyfriend's bed" I said sarcastic and he pursed his lips annoyed.

"He will understand, I'll explain it to him"

"No thanks" I said and opened the window so I could get out the same way because explaining to his parents what was going on was too complicated. "I owe you for tonight"

"Jean, don't go, you're not okay" he tried one more time and I almost listened to him - if it wasn't for Nate and for our fight and for my feelings I would have stayed but I couldn't do this, I couldn't stay just because he was pitying me. I bit my lip and climbed down the wall.

"I'm okay, don't worry, I'm okay" I repeated and began to walk down the street, wondering if I could find any bar where they would slip me some alcohol.


	5. Unforgettable

"So I heard a new place opened near the park" Nate said as we were walking towards his car. "Do you wanna go there?"

"Sure" I shrugged my shoulders and let go of his hand so I could get in the passenger seat. I had a driver licence myself but taking in consideration the relationship I currently had with my dad - which was basically pretending not to live together or know each other, I didn't want to ask for the car. And Nate was insisting to give me rides which was fine with me. I checked my phone again, in case Jean messaged me but of course that didn't happen, he didn't say a word to me since that night and I didn't see him in any break at school, he was skipping the class we had together.

"What do you want to eat?" Nate asked to make conversation and I snapped out of it, turning to him to kiss his cheek.

"I don't know, anything would be fine, I would really like a burger, though" I said and rubbed my belly that began to grumble. I was quite hungry because my mom was gone and I only had cereals for breakfast. Also, I wasn't in the mood to eat very much, I was unsettled with what was going on, I wondered how Jean was doing? Was his father still there? Could I go to visit? Tomorrow was Monday and I probably had a chance to see him but that didn't mean he would actually talk to me. He was so headstrong sometimes.

"Burger is it, then. And movie after, you pick"

"You just dug your grave, buddy, it's gonna be Finding Dory"

"For real? We saw that two days ago" he said laughing and I shrugged my shoulders.

"I told you I wanted to see it again" He wrinkled his nose.

"I didn't think it would be so soon" I realized he really didn't want to see that movie so I decided I was going to pick another random movie so I could make him happy. I was a slut for cartoon movies, especially Disney and Pixar so I probably saw each at least 3 times; when we were little I was terrorizing Jean with Disney princesses but finally he became accustomed to my obsession and whenever a new movie came out he was patiently watching it with me again and again. I didn't know what it was about cartoons, but they made me feel at peace and I needed that kind of therapy now. Which was kinda lame cause my mom was a psychologist.

"I'll search for another one, then" I muttered and got my phone out so I could see the program. I chose the Ninja Turtles and rested my head against the glass, watching the people walk outside.

"Okay, we'll go to see Dory" he said, sensing how my mood dropped. But I didn't want that fish anymore, I didn't want anything anymore, I wanted to go home and sleep until all this shit was over, until my father was okay with me and until Jean was talking to me and until... damn it. I faked a smile and shook my head, assuring him it was alright to see another one. I could always see that one alone on my computer. "Come on, don't make that sad face" I began to pull my hair.

"Sorry, I'm in a shitty mood"

"Lately" he added and I rolled my eyes. If he didn't want to go out with me and see my shitty face then why was he insisting on going on these dates? "Have you talked to Jean?" I shook my head. "Have you tried to go at his place?"

"I can't possibly go there, things are awkward" I wasn't going to share his problems, not even with Nate so I put it this way, making him see there was no way. If Jean Kirschtein didn't want to meet you, he simply didn't, it was that easy. "Whatever" I muttered and he parked in front of an Italian place. I wondered if they had burgers.

"You're half Italian right?" he asked as we got out of the car and he locked the thing. I nodded, thinking about my summers in Italy. I even brought Jean with me on a few occasions. "Your father?"

"Yes, born in Sicily, a very nice place. Italy is beautiful" I praised my own country and took his hand in mine. We went inside and sat down at a table, beginning to study the menus. Thankfully they had what I wanted and Nate decided on pasta, letting me choose the coolers - for me it was always Cola, without an exception. "Damn, I am hungry" I whined and someone cleared their throat so I left the menu down, surprised with the image in front of me. Wearing a black uniform and a white apron, his now-grey hair going in all directions was a very pale Jean Kirschtein that was holding a little notebook in his hands. His grip tightened on the little thing when he smiled fake.

"Good evening, welcome to Frank's, I'll be taking care of you for now, what would you like to order?" It was almost like a poem so he said it easily and shot us another smile before beginning to note down what we wanted. "The food will be here as soon as possible" he was ready to leave when I saw he had a new piercing in his other ear and thought of something to stop him.

"Wait, Jean!" I shouted like a dumbass and he turned around with a blank face. "Couldn't you take a break and sit with us a minute?" he studied me and then Nate and his lips pressed in a sarcastic smile.

"Someone is not here today so I have a lot of work, sorry" he was lying, I knew he was because whenever he was lying an eyebrow was rising almost imperceptible. He turned on his heels and headed for the kitchen and I haven't seen him at all after that. Someone else got our food to the table, someone else took our money and no matter how hard I tried to look for him he was long gone, maybe hiding somewhere for a cig. But I couldn't blame him, it was clear he didn't like me going out with Nate or Nate or maybe he even didn't like me anymore. We went to the Ninja Turtles and we had a blast because it was a very good movie - even if Megan Fox's skills were similar to a potato's and after a nice and long make-out session he drove me home where I went straight to my room. I didn't want to discuss how the day was, I took a shower and slipped between covers, closing my eyes tightly. Tomorrow I was going to find Jean and talk to him for real. Maybe apologize, anything to make things better.

But the next day I couldn't find him at classes, he was obviously missing them again, only in the lunch break Connie came running to me and I realized that probably had something to do with young Kirschtein.

"He punched Reiner in the stomach when we tried to get closer, he is down the street, next to the dumpsters, smoking. If any teacher sees him he's gonna be suspended so go and calm him down" I nodded at the serious expression Connie made and left my lunch with Nate, going in the direction that was pointed to me. I began to run but realized that I was probably going to miss the next class, it was impossible to make it back in time. He was really next to the dumpster, giving a few cats his tuna sandwich and for the first times it dawned to me that he was skinnier. I was wondering when was the last time he ate, the stress probably got to him.

"Don't come closer" he warned but I ignored him, walking by him.

"Don't bullshit me, you're not gonna hit me" I said and began to pet a small kitten that was pitch black. It had beautiful blue eyes and was looking malnourished. He smiled sarcastic and lit another cigarette that he put between his lips.

"How do you know? Last time I gave you a black eye"

"The last time I started it" I said in his defence and he rested his back against the cold brick wall. Next to us was a small shop and the owner was already looking weirdly at us, it was obvious we were underage so probably that was the reason. "I am sorry about that" he shrugged his shoulders impassively, I hated to see him like that. "Jean, please talk to me"

"Jesus Christ, everyone wants me to speak, why won't you people leave me alone?" he began to tug his undercut and I saw the grey was slightly washed off.

"I am not people, I'm your best friend" His eyes widened.

"How do you decide that?" he had that cocky attitude on so I knew he wasn't serious.

"So you tell me I am not?"

"You can be whatever you want to be; you wanted me to leave you alone" Now, this was grinding my gears; he was victimizing himself.

"You acted like an asshole"

"Maybe I had my reasons, you know?" His voice rose considerably at the end of the phrase and he turned around so I couldn't see his face, throwing away the cigarette butt. I went closer and rested my hand on his back. I knew he had his reasons, I knew he probably felt alone since I got together with Nate, I knew his situation at home was terrible and I wanted to be there for him but he wasn't letting me. "Fuck off, okay? Let me be" At that I realized he was close to crying because his voice was cracking and I did the exact opposite, I wrapped my arms around him, thankful to the big wall that was separating us from the rest of the world.

"You're not alone" I whispered and he rubbed his eyes so I couldn't see his tears. "Let's go and take some pretzels before the next class" he nodded and as we did that he didn't get a word out, he was simply following me and listening while I was saying to him how he should stop skipping class and don't take work too seriously and don't let his father's actions get to him so badly. I was almost asking the impossible but I wanted the best for him, I hated to see him like this. "Let's meet properly this evening" I suggested and he frowned.

"I am really short on money, Marco.."

"I'll pay, as an apologize to what happened" He nodded and left for his lab. I watched his back move as he was going to the right building and after the bell rang I continued to look towards that door, wondering if he was really going to listen to what I've said. He was looking receptive while I was speaking so all I could do was to put my faith in him. I wanted to meet him and have a good talk and hear all about his problems and then go and see a movie, maybe have him sleep over. If that was helping him, why not? I just wanted to see him better. I walked to my own class which happened to be Math and sat next to Nate after I explained to the teacher why I was late. We couldn't talk during this class cause Zacharias was a hunt dog but Nate offered me a scribbled note that I read under the desk.

 _ **Going out tonight? :)**_

I furrowed my brows and took my pen out.

 _ **I'm meeting Jean tonight, another day maybe.**_ I was feeling kind of bad for pushing him away like this but I had to prioritize things and I knew who needed me more right now. We didn't exchange any other notes and after the classes I gave him a short kiss before I told him I was going to walk home. I was living fairly close so in an hour I was home and taking a shower, preparing myself for the big meeting. My mother saw I was getting dressed up and sneaked behind me, smiling.

"You're getting serious with this guy, huh?" I grinned.

"I'm seeing Jean" She rose her eyebrows.

"Really? So that's with all this preparing?" Only then I realized I made a mess out of the room and the closet and felt my cheeks heating. "Have you two made up?" I nodded and then took the twenty dollars from my nightstand and put them in my trousers.

"Is it okay if he comes over tonight?" I asked and mom frowned - uncharacteristic.

"It's okay with me, but is it okay with Nate?" Jesus, it was like I was not allowed to have friends over. It was not like I was bringing some random guy in my bed. I kissed her cheek, ignoring the questions and she wished me to have fun, while I was running down the stairs. I was feeling enthusiastic and just when I stepped outside I realized what a shitty person I was; as much as I tried to ignore what people said, everyone was right, I was more enthusiastic to see Jean than I was to see Nate and that was not alright because Jean was not my boyfriend. I took the metro to the meeting place and I recognized him from a mile because he was wearing his black leather jacket and a pair of tight skinny jeans, his hair combed carefully. He was also wearing sunglasses so he was basically the definition of a 60's jock.

"Wow, crybaby much?" I asked amused and he grinned, getting the reference.

"Don't blame me, Johnny Depp is hot" I licked my lips, agreeing and I let him choose the place, which was McDonald's, kind of funny as he was looking like a badass.

"Happy meal?" I asked and he nodded goofily, taking a table that was just cleaned. He put his sunglasses on top of his head and rested on his elbows, watching me as I was ordering his favorites. I knew his order by heart. I went back with the trail and we began eating in silence. "Okay, so tell me all about it" his expression was bashful and I watched him confused, wondering what he was talking about. "Everything fine with him?" Oh, Nate. Yea, I was dating that guy, sure.

"Forget about that, my father is killing me but I am sure he doesn't get the award worst-father-of-the-year" he burst into laughter and nodded, not being offended. I liked that about him, we could joke about anything and he was not getting upset. He was the type that would laugh the sadness away. He began to tell me how his mother was approached by the other woman that desperate because she was pregnant and what a monster of a scandal followed. Finally, his father admitted that he was guilty of falling for someone else and everything ended in a divorce - too bad, as his father was still living with them.

"I can't stand his face" he said as we cleaned our trails. "He's a poor excuse of a human being, he disgusts me" I never saw him hating someone so violently so I watched him with worried eyes.

"Soon he's gonna leave and things will fall back in place" he shrugged his shoulders.

"I guess so" he said and then we went to have gelato which is the Italian for ice-cream. He was having his usual vanilla while I took some with fruits, watching him amused as he was struggling to eat it all. "Thanks for getting me out" he said and turned to watch me, his whiskey eyes sparkling. "I don't get out much these days"

"Everyone is concerned, Jean, you must talk to your friends, Sasha, Connie, Eren... we all care about you." I said, reminding him how distant he's been acting towards the others. It was pretty bad with me but not nearly as bad as it was with everyone else. He hummed in appreciation and took another lick of his ice-cream before we decided to go to the movies.

"Let's see Finding Dory" he suggested and I burst into laughter. He watched me confused. "What?"

"There are plenty of reasons why you're my best buddy, okay?" he nodded amused, still not understanding - how could he? - and I went to buy the tickets, leaving him with the food. We laughed our heads off at the movie and at certain parts we got teary so after we got out we had what to discuss, being still in trance. We were gesticulating enthusiastic when it hit me that it was the first time in a long time when I felt like this - at ease around a person who I knew would never judge me. I took his hand in mine and smiled at his happy face. "Come at my place tonight" He furrowed his eyebrows and watched his foot as he kicked a little stone.

"Are you sure?" I nodded and grinned.

"Yes, we have lots of things we need to talk about"

"Oh, maybe we can download Finding Dory and watch it again" he said as if he realized he was a genius and I simply smiled, watching his silly expression. I tightened my grip on his hand. _Sure, let's do that._


	6. I will follow you

I woke up realizing something was wrapped around me like a vise and my heart skipped a beat when I opened my eyes and saw Marco's arm was tangled around mine and his face was a few millimeters away from mine, his long eyelashes brushing his cheekbones and his mouth slightly opened. His freckles were truly distracting and even if I wanted to spend the rest of my day like that, I felt my morning erection waking and I slowly let go, hurrying to the bathroom where I washed my face and brushed my teeth with his toothbrush. I looked in the mirror - I still had dark circles under my eyes but the grey from my hair was slowly fading and I was wondering if I should go and dye it again. I sneaked outside of the room and went downstairs where Mrs. Bodt was singing the tune playing on a TV show.

"Good morning!" I said cheerful and she almost dropped the cup she was holding. I began to chuckle and sat down, looking around for something to eat.

"Morning, Jean! Is Marco up?" I shook my head and she offered me a plate filled with pancakes. "Please have some" I nodded and began to stuff my face with one of those fluffy things before Marco's usual tea was ready and I took the cup, deciding to wake him up. His mother wasn't saying anything but by her eyes I could understand we were thinking the same, it was weird for him having me around so close while he was dating that Nate guy but where I was actually staying I couldn't give less damns about his opinion. If Marco wanted me to stay over, I will stay over, if Marco wanted to go out with me, I will go - simple as that. I found him on the side where I've been sleeping, his bottom slightly raised in the air which made me laugh.

"Hey, Freckles" I whispered but there was no reaction. I went closer and grabbed his nose between my fingers so he couldn't breathe and he got up instantly, making me laugh my ass off. He watched me annoyed and then pushed me with his covered foot. He never took his socks down which I found seriously weird and amusing.

"Leave me alone, jackass" he groaned groggily but that wasn't my plan. I took a doughnut pillow and hit his head a few times until he began to giggle, yes giggle, and attacked me back, making me fall on the floor. He rawred and got on top of me, hitting me again and again, his body holding my legs under his weight. "Death to the traitors! Long live the king!" he yelled and I burst into a fit of laughter, raising my hands in defeat. Okay, long live the king.

"Truce! I brought you tea with lemon!" I said and pointed to the nightstand. He then got up, civilized, and went to take his tea, sitting back on the bed that was now a mess.

"You better help me put things back in place" he warned and I rolled my eyes.

"Sure, sure" I went to sit next to him, holding nothing because I drank coffee downstairs and watched him savoring it. His eyes gleamed more with each gulp so I smiled at the sight, beginning to put things back in place - all the pillows and blankets. After that I undressed his clothes and got back in mine, deciding it was time to go home. "You're going out with Nate today?" I asked, trying to look uninterested even if in reality I was burning with curiosity. He nodded and then furrowed his brows.

"Are you coming back tonight?" Well, I could, taking in consideration my place was a disaster but I couldn't do this without him telling Nate. I was not that kind of guy.

"If you tell Nate, yes" He pursed his lips, dissatisfied.

"Jean!" he whined and I shrugged my shoulders, checking to see if my piercings were in place.

"I don't want him to think we do things behind his back, we're not doing anything. If he doesn't want me here I won't come anymore." He puffed his cheeks and I knew the reasons - he didn't want to tell him so he wouldn't ask him not to invite me anymore. He was looking too cute to resist so I went closer and rested my arms on either sides of his legs, bending my body so we were at the same level. "Message me when you can, okay?" I asked and he nodded, his breath hitching because of the closeness. I leaned and pecked his lips before getting up and grinning at his blushing face.

"Okay, take care" I nodded and waved before getting out of there. I was walking down the street (had no money for the bus or the metro) when a grey Wolkswagen slowed down next to me and I let my sunglasses slide down my nose to see Nate was driving it and he was looking shocked at me. He probably realized I was coming back from Marco's place.

"Hi, Nate!" I said cheerful and he furrowed his brows, his pretty face upset.

"Hi, Jean, is Marco home?" he was testing the waters. I nodded, still smiling.

"He just woke up, I went to leave him some stuff he's left at my place a while ago" Shitty excuse but still an excuse. "Have fun!" I said with a grimace - in reality I wanted him to find a guy with who he could fuck off. He thanked me with half a mouth and I sprinted down the street, it was a sunny day, the air was clear and everyone was fucking happy. It took me a while to get home but it was for the best because once I got to the those dumpsters near our school I saw the black kitten Marco fed the other day was now laying dead on the ground - probably because of the cold rain that fell last night, maybe because his mother was missing. Beside him was a grey kitten - probably his brother that was meowing his head off, hungry. I couldn't stand to let it there so I took the black one and put it in the dumpster and the grey one I picked up, placing him in my jacket, close to my chest. I was adopting him, I couldn't let him like that. He began to cry louder and I petted his head gently. "It's okay, calm down, we're going home where you'll have milk" he was really small and I wondered if we had any syringes with which I could feed him.

I hurried home so I could feed him and the first stop was at the fridge, ignoring my father that was eating his breakfast. I took the milk out and hurried upstairs, yelling for my mom. She got out scared and I smiled.

"Do we have a syringe?" She opened her mouth in shock.

"Jean, please tell me you're not doing drugs" I burst into laughter and then unzipped my jacket so she could see my new friend. "Oh my God!" she said and came closer to pet his ears. He slowly withdrew, scared, and I rubbed between his ears, trying to make him feel comfortable. "He's so cute... But your father" she stopped and I swear her face split in two because of a Grinch-like grin. "...is allergic to cats" I burst into laughter and she came to kiss my cheek. "Love you, Jeanbo"

"Love you too, mom" I said and she went to search for a syringe, time in which I decided I should wash the little guy and make sure he wasn't infected with anything. I would take him to a veterinarian the next day but until then some dry shampoo would have to do because he was too freaked out to put him in water. I began to wash him slowly and as loud as he yelled, by the time I was done my mom came with the syringe and helped me feed him.

"Have you thought of a name? It's a male" I didn't want to ask how she knew that.

"He looks scary so maybe something ferocious" we both chuckled and I pouted. "How about Deathly Nightmare?"

"More like Dreamy" I chuckled and petted his paw as he was gulping the milk.

"Hi Dreamy, you little sucker" I said, using a weird voice women were usually using when they were talking to babies. He stopped eating and yawned before stretching and searching for a warm place to sleep in. I placed him on the bed and made him a fort out of little pillows before leaving him be and beginning to play videogames. The man was still around so I sure wasn't going to walk around. But I didn't have enough luck and he knocked at my door and came in, even if I didn't tell him it was alright.

"Hello, son!" he said and I said nothing but he sat on the bed and when the cat began to cry out I let the console down and hurried to him. "What is that?"

"A kitten and you're disturbing it" I said and caressed his nose when he sat in my lap. "It's okay, Dream-boy" I burst into laughter because I was going crazy. My father sneezed and I almost said good boy. "What do you need?" I asked and pressed play again, staring a new game.

"Where have you been last night?"

"My business, eh?" I said impassive and he frowned, calling my name. "I was at Marco's place"

"You're still hanging out with that kid?" I nodded, concentrated on the screen. "Isn't he gay?"

"I don't give a shit what he is, he could be a panda for all I care" Yes, a cute and freckled panda.

"I just said" Well, don't just say, fuck off. I ignored him until he left and then decided I should hop on the chat that was including all my friends. I snapped a picture of the grey fuzzy ball and posted it, waiting for any kind of reply. Trying to bribe your friends back into liking you was dirty but it seemed to work because in less than five seconds someone answered.

 _The Con-Man: What is that?_ I took another pic and posted it.

 _Sasha-Chips: IS THAT A KITTEN?_

 _Jeanbo: Yea..._

 _Reiner Rei: Is the big scary Jean Kirschtein adopting a cat? :))_

 _Jeanbo: Sorry for kicking you, Reiner, I owe you one._

 _Reiner Rei: You are so doing my history project this semester. Damn it._

 _Yerren Jaeger: I want to pet it!_

 _Jeanbo: No chance, I don't want it to catch yelling germs._ I burst into laughter at my own joke - what a dork.

 _Sasha-Chips: lol_

 _The Con-Man: Ladies and gentleman, Jean Kirschtein is back._ I grinned.

 _Armin Ar. is on_

 _Armin Ar.: Hi guys, oh, Jean! Hello!_

 _Jeanbo: Hi, Armin! I sent another cat pic._

 _Armin Ar.: Wow, that's a nice cat_

 _Jeanbo: Thanks, his name is deathly Nightmare_

 _Yerren Jeager: You're such a fucking dork, ruining that pet._

 _Jeanbo: Shuddup_

 _Sasha-Chips: Wanna go out today? I am bored._

 _The Con-Man: We have a math test tomorrow, Sasha! Try to be a little responsible! Is 4 P.M. ok?_

 _Yerren Jeager: I'll be there._

 _Reiner Rei: Me too, I'll call Ymir and Krista too._

Everyone signed off so I went to have a shower and then changed in some nice clothes, deciding I should go too. Marco was with Nate either way so whatever. They got me back with their arms opened which surprised me because I was an asshole these past days. I told them my parents were divorced now because they deserved an explanation and they seemed to understand, we went roller-skating and then out for pizza. We had good laughs, especially when we saw that Reiner was ordering pineapple on his pizza, and around ten we decided to go home. On my way back I used my last money to buy Nightmare a collar and I took a black one with tiny metal spikes. Perfect. All the lights inside the house were turned off so I sneaked inside and took the syringe to feed him, petting his soft fur.

"Eat up" I urged but when he finished there were some strange noises coming out of throat so I panicked until he vomited all over my shirt, making me wrinkle my nose. "Yuuuuuck" I said to the silent room but he was watching me so innocent that I couldn't stay mad. Jesus. I picked a tissue and cleaned the shirt that I undressed and then began to feed him again, patiently, making sure he was alright. He was almost asleep when my phone pinged and I went to see who was looking for me. Captain Freckles.

 _Coming tonight?_ It sounded like we were having a kind of fling so I chuckled.

 _Nope, I am sorry, can't do_

 _Y not?_

 _I have a friend over and he's sick._

 _What friend? What's going on?_ Oh, he was jealous. I grinned evilly.

 _He's feeling sick, he lost his brother today and..._

 _Oh my God, Jean! I am sorry!_

 _You know him._

 _I am sure I don't._ I took a pic, being a merciful god, and sent it to him.

 _Did you took a cat from the dumpsters?_

 _Yes, the black one was dead and this one was all alone._ I said and petted the little head that was resting on me, with closed eyes. Yes, he was not alone now, we were having each other. His parents disappointed him too so we had some common traits.

 _Poor thing, he's not feeling ok?_

 _He's better now, almost asleep but I don't want to let him alone tonight._ I said. And you're with Nate and I don't like coming to you after you've been with him, after you belonged to him for hours. I wondered if they had sex, Jesus I couldn't even imagine that.

 _Oh, okay. Can I come over?_ I groaned, why me? Why always me? I wanted to see him but I also didn't want to see him.

 _Ok, tell me when you're here._ I typed and then covered my face with an arm. Damn Marco Bodt who I couldn't refuse. I checked myself in the mirror after putting Nightmare in his pillow fort on the bed and saw I was looking a lot better. I was still somehow confused but sure was better, even if my father was still a jerk. I began to play a videogame until Marco said he was downstairs and I went to open the door for him - unlike some people who made others climb walls. He came to hug me.

"Hi" I smiled and pulled him inside, locking the door behind us. My bedroom was the only one who had lights on and as soon as he saw the cat he was absorbed by it, petting it even if it was asleep and was paying no attention to him. Oh, well. I sat on the bed next to him and watched his broad back and slender limbs that were revealed by the short pants he was wearing. He had a white shirt on that let me see his freckles on the back of his neck and I felt my fingers itching with the need of touching them. So I did because he was so close and he froze at my touch. "Jean" he whimpered and turned around.

"Yes?"

"Don't do that?"

"Do what?" I asked teasingly and his cheeks heated - so cute.

"Touch me like that and kiss me" I raised a brow and he stuttered. "Y-you kissed me this morning"

"That was merely a peck, not a kiss" I said still teasing and he bit his lip, looking anywhere but at me. "You're the one coming here in the middle of the night when you have a boyfriend" Not that I was accusing him of anything, I was simply making a statement but his eyes were hurt so I regretted my words right away.

"Because you're my friend" I didn't like to see him like that so I nodded and smiled, crisped.

"I am sorry, I'll not do that anymore" He nodded and then turned around to see for the cat - which was good because I was almost sure I looked like I was about to cry.


	7. Idfc

Arms wrapped around me and I woke up from the deep thoughts I was into so I could turn my head and kiss Nate's soft lips. He moaned in pleasure and grinded into me but I escaped smoothly because it was lunch break and it wasn't the perfect place to show affections. Especially while the cafeteria lady was watching us with mean eyes. I smiled and took the plate, turning to see he was dressed in jeans and a white collar shirt.

"Where do you want us to stay today?" he asked, picking my trail for me and I frowned. He was nice and all, I cared about him but it seemed I was neglecting my friends so I wanted to stay with them.

"Let's sit next to Ymir and Krista" I tried and he furrowed his brows because he wasn't fond of any of my friends, especially Jean. I mean, sure he said I should speak with them but that didn't include the time when we were together. I could see he was troubled but didn't give up because I really missed the guys. He complied and we sat down next to the two girls that were furiously making out and barely saw us so I chuckled and poked Ymir that smacked my arm annoyed. "Shit, calm your ovaries, girl" I said and she let go but still kept her arm wrapped around Krista's slender back.

"What do you know about ovaries, Bodt?" I burst into laughter and the blonde blushed.

"Nothing, obviously"

"Oh, but we know someone who does" I raised a brow, interested and placed a fry in my mouth, enjoying the average savour. The cafeteria was not serving food, it was serving stuff close to food so I couldn't complain, especially when it was Fries' Friday - the only day that had these. I turned to Nate and offered him half a portion and he smiled at me, still looking uncomfortable. "Didn't you hear about young horsey?" They were calling Jean a horse because he had a long face - but I couldn't see the resemblance. "He's been spotted carrying Angela's books" I almost choked on my food.

"Angela? Who is Angel-a?" Sasha yelled as she came and sat next to me. "Hi cutiepie" she grinned and kissed my cheek.

"Hi, Sash"

"Are we talking about Jean's fling?" Okay, why did everyone know about this but me? I was feeling quite left aside, I mean he should have told me, right? But we weren't really talking about relationships when we met, we were just hanging around, he didn't even kiss me since then. I told him he shouldn't but that didn't mean I didn't want him to.

"Guys, we don't know if it's a fling, he was just carrying her stuff" Where was Sasha, Connie was too. I couldn't believe she was so obvious to his feelings for her, I mean I figured it out since he was eating sand at the playground.

"Jean Kirschtein is not nice without reason" Ymir accused and I rolled my eyes.

"Yes he is" I added as a matter of fact and they chuckled.

"Only to you" Krista said and I bit my lip. Was it really that bad?

"But I am glad he is better" Sasha added and I watched her affectionate stare as she looked at nothing in particular. "A few weeks ago he was a wreck" The table went silent and I guessed it had something to do with our fight from that night so I didn't say anything neither and soon we were talking about our next periods. I was having Science with Hanje which was my favorite class ever, even if she was nuts. I wanted to become a pediatrician so Science was my thing, well beside all those boring things most kids couldn't do. I was really curious about that Angela but I didn't ask, I just went on like nothing happened and after the classes were done I went to have dinner with Nate in a nice place. We kissed and held hands and had nice chats but all I could think about was this girl I had no idea about – who she was or how she looked like. Way to go, Marco. I felt like an asshole at the end so when he suggested we should go to a viewpoint with the car I accepted.

"Something on your mind?" Nate asked when we broke a kiss and I smiled, trying to cover it up.

"No, keep going" I said and his lips glided over me in a perfect motion, making me feel butterflies inside my tummy. His hands began roaming on my chest and I sighed when his hand sneaked under my shirt, rubbing irregular patterns on my skin. We were alone near a cliff, watching the city lights and I was almost sure I knew what he wanted tonight but unfortunately I couldn't. When his fingers began to play with the button of my jeans I pulled apart, licking my lips and regaining my breath.

"Come on, Marco" he said whiny - not his usual manner at all.

"I don't feel ready" I said and he huffed, opening the window so he could light a cigarette. "I am sorry"

"No you're not" he said and suddenly he was looking helpless. I was feeling bad but I didn't know if I should apologize, it wasn't like I was faking it, I really wasn't feeling ready to have sex, with him or with anyone. It would have been awkward and weird and I would have probably lost myself in the act. I didn't like the idea of it. It was weird and dirty and I couldn't possible do it, especially not in a car. No, thank you. "All you've been thinking about today was Kirschtein" He was sure of his words. "Let's face it, I don't do it for you"

"What don't you do?" I asked sarcastic and looked at him, paling a bit.

"You can't love me, you only care about him"

"That is not true" I said stubbornly. It couldn't be possible, I wasn't in love with him at all, I wasn't feeling anything.

"Oh come on! Who are you trying to fool? Stop trying to like me, it's not working" he said and then chuckled. His hand grabbed my leg and he leaned to kiss my cheek. "I like you so much, Marco, you're such a nice guy but I can't stand to see you trying this much." I furrowed my brows, realizing he was breaking up with me and licked my lips. I should have been feeling things right? Then why wasn't I sad? Maybe I wasn't in love with Nate, maybe I was just afraid to be gay alone.

"Can we be friends?" I asked shyly and he grinned.

"I would like to but it will take a while for me to get over you" I nodded and prepared to get out of the car. "Don't be ridiculously, I'll drive you home" He said and I accepted again, not knowing what to say. I was confused, like I just landed from another planet so I stood in silence until I could see my house. When I opened the door of the car he stopped me and offered me a big smile. "Hey, you better get together with him" I felt my cheeks heating.

"I-I'll try to. Good night!" he waved and I ran inside because all I wanted was to stay in bed and think about what was going on.

If it was so obvious then it was clear everyone knew about it, maybe even Jean but still, I was petulant to give it a go because I was afraid Mr. Kirschtein will get tired of me, bored, and then he will end all we have - relationship and friendship and I really loathed the idea. He was a really nice guy, but he wasn't known for his patience and constant behavior, he was more of the jumpy guy, we were really opposites. I mean I could have imagined spending the rest of my life with just a person while he ... he was simply a whore when it came to dating. The hit and run type. And I really didn't want to be hurt by him, not like this.

Thankfully everyone was asleep so I didn't have to explain anything, I couldn't possible tell my mom something like this so instead I got in my bed after changing my clothes and buried my face in the pillow. "Fuck it!" I muffled and turned around to watch the ceiling. Fuck Jean Kirschtein! Yeah, fuck him and the power he had over me! Fuck his laughter and his eyelashes and his long pretty fingers! I was kind of pathetic, really but there wasn't anything that could be done so I wiggled in my bed for a few good hours until I finally fell asleep. I woke up around noon and most of the day was spent in my room, playing videogames and overthinking stuff.

The evening came and my balls began to grow cause I felt this unstoppable need to go and see that bastard and clear all this shit. I called but he didn't answer so I took the car and drove to his place, nervously watching to see if there was light in his room. There was, so I knocked at the door and Mrs. Kirschtein came to answer.

"Good evening!" I said, smiling crisped and she smiled back.

"Hi, Marco, come in! How are you?"

"Good, thanks... sorry for.." I didn't know how to put things in words but she didn't mind, she just waved as if there was nothing to be sorry about. "Could I go upstairs?"

"Of course, go ahead, I think Jean's in the shower." And he was indeed so I sat down on the tussled bed and looked around to see the room was a mess - like always. He was smoking a lot because I could see empty packs everywhere and I saw there were a few bottles of beer on the desk. I probably should talk him out of this, it was weird but he usually listened to me when I had something important to say. The door opened and a very confused Jean watched me with big eyes, the only thing covering him being a pair of boxers.

"Uh- hi?" he asked and I chuckled.

"Hi to you too." His boxers were light mauve which was looking nice on his milky skin, especially his thighs where... "Do you have any plans tonight?"

"No, don't you?" He began to dress in comfy clothes and I enjoyed the show, not saying anything.

"Actually no, I wanted to see you" I bit my lip at that and he froze for a moment before continuing to dress, not paying attention to my words. "Jean" He still hesitated. "Come here" He sighed and I knew something was bugging him because his shoulders dropped.

"Look, Marco, I seriously have nothing against you dating Nate but I don't enjoy us seeing each other in the middle of the night without him knowing. I am not that kind of bastard and it looks like you're two-timing him" he turned around and went to the desk to grab a bottle of beer before he watched me sarcastic. "Got it?" I nodded and he threw a bottle on the bed which I had to refuse.

"You drink a lot lately" He shrugged his shoulders. "How is work going?"

"I actually quit that place, table serving is not for me, I dropped too many soup bowls" I began to chuckle and he grinned. "But I found another one"

"Where?"

"At a tattoo shop, I clean stuff but the guy told me I can help him design tattoos if I wanted" Well, one thing was for sure, he was very talented so I was happy that he could put his talent at work, I always encouraged him in arts because he was really doing the right stuff. I guess that would be his major once he'd got in college but we had to see about it because his father was against it. "Maybe I'll get another tatt"

"Or not yet" I said sarcastic and he laughed.

"Okay, mom, jeez" He came closer and sat next to me. His hair was damp so I rose my hand to touch the grey tips, feeling their softness. "Marco, you look innocent and still you do these things" I took a big breath.

"Nate and I broke up" His mouth dropped open and he left the bottle down, freaking out.

"Oh my God! Why? Are you feeling okay?" I nodded and he began to tug that pretty hair, making me smile because he was this worried. "Such a loser" he muttered.

"Actually he did it for me" he watched me puzzled. "Doesn't matter, the thing is you don't have to worry about that anymore." He nodded and took another gulp of beer. "You know, I might be wrong but that night you looked pretty jealous" He frowned and looked at his lap, so different from his usual right-to-the-point attitude.

"I was" Then why aren't you looking at me? "But I figured it out you don't like me that way" Such a freaking fool, damn it. I burst into laughter and saw he was red; he watched me outraged, like I insulted his family and I bit the inside of my cheek.

"It's kinda funny, cause I had a crush on you since seventh grade" He suddenly got up and began to walk fast in circles around the room, making an annoyed face. After a while he stopped and looked at me.

"And why haven't you said anything, you dweeb?" he was yelling straight to my face.

"Cause you're straight"

"Apparently you're the exception" he groaned. "I'm Marcosexual" That made us both burst into laughter after a few moments of tension and I threw a pillow at him.

"That was the corniest thing you ever told me, you boob!" he looked at me defensive.

"I'm not a boob"

"Yeah you are, we're a pair" I chuckled and he rolled his eyes. He sat on the carpet, in front of me and crossed his legs under him. I sighed and watched his chest heaving. His eyes turned to me and I could see he was nervous because his pupils were dilated and his knee was rhythmically moving. "Stop being so nervous" I whispered and he looked down, ignoring my glance once again. He was lost at words so I gave him a little time.

"And now?" was his question and I smiled patiently, sliding my hand to his hair and making him watch me. "Do you want to go out with me?" I nodded and he got higher, on his knees so his mouth was close to mine; I still had the advantage of a few centimeters but I leaned to kiss his soft lips, feeling his hot breath on me. I leaned my head on a side, just like he taught me and I felt his tongue teasing me, making me open my mouth for him and let his softness caress mine. I was feeling like I was drunk and I wondered if it was because he was tasting of beer - probably not but I kept my eyes closed, enjoying the closeness and the simple motion. His arms wrapped around me and he pulled me closer and closer until I fell over him and we both burst into laughter, rolling on the floor.

"This feels surreal" I said and turned to watch him as he was staring at the ceiling. He turned to me and smiled, a specific ally-American-boy-Jea- Kirschtein smile that made me almost drool at his beauty.

"It scared me at first, when I realized how intense my feelings were for you" he said and got closer, his nose pointing at mine.

"No matter what happens we're staying friends, okay?" I needed to have his approval, so I would not be afraid of the future. He nodded and came closer so he could peck my lips softly. I prolonged the kiss, enjoying his touch but I couldn't stop the smile that threatened me so I opened my eyes to see his long eyelashes. "Nice eyelashes" I whispered and he grinned silly.

"Nice freckles"

"Thanks" His fingers began to dance across my cheek and then down my neck, sending shivers down my spine. I liked this guy so much it almost hurt my chest. "I did nothing to have them, and still" he chuckled and took my hand in his, beginning to run his fingers along my knuckles.

"Well, they are pretty as fuck, I mean..." his ears got red so I burst into laughter. "You're pretty or handsome or ..." he was stuttering so I burst into laughter.

"I get the idea" I assured and went closer to cling to him, resting my head on his chest where I could feel his heart beating as fast as a colibri bird. "You're more on the hot side, though" He raised a brow. "The bad boy type that is not bad at all" He showed me his teeth. "Though I liked your hair better before" He tugged on the grey tips and sighed.

"It'll eventually grow out of this color" His eyes turned to me and I smiled.

"Who's Angela?" The question slipped my tongue before I could realize and he watched me confused. Why was I talking about a woman when all this was going on?

"Who's Angela?" He asked just as puzzled and began to scratch his chin. "Oh, Angela from History? I needed her notes on the last few lessons so I've carried her stuff today" I burst into laughter because it was just like our friends said, he was doing everything for profit and he watched me confused but pleased with my jolliness. After a while I stopped and wiped my eyes with my fingers. "Do you want to stay over?" I knew he wasn't thinking of sex but I really thought it would be better to go back so we could both process what just happened so I told him it was better to go back. He didn't argue but none of us moved. I got up and threw my leg on the other side of him so now he was under me and pressed my lips against him in a chaste but long kiss. His arms found my back and we rolled - I really hoped he cleaned the floor lately - so now he was on top of me, very close to me. His tongue found my mouth and we were making out once again; everytime our lips touched it sent bolts of electricity down my groin so I moaned in his mouth and he seemed to like that a lot because he tightened his grip on my shirt.

"Jean" I hissed when he began to kiss my cheek and down my chin. "What are you doing?"

"Leaving you a reminder" he said cheekily and then went for my throat where I could feel his mouth opened and his tongue brushing my skin. He sucked and I realized what he meant, he was obviously giving me hickeys; I never let Nate do those because I thought it was weird having to explain them to everyone around but Jean's hot mouth was not bothering me at all so I closed my eyes and tried to control my erection. He did several of those and then got up, brushing his nose against mine slightly. "You're good to go" he said but I shook my head.

"Not yet" I whined and pulled him next to me so we were both on a side, kissing each other slowly. The beer was making his kiss even more intoxicating and I think we spent several minutes like that, until my phone rang and I realized it was my worried mother. I tried to grab it but he forced another kiss on me that I took willingly. "Jean" I admonished smiling and he wrapped his arms around me, pulling me in his lap. I looked at the screen, yep, right guess. "I have to go"

"Shit" he whispered simply and I turned to peck his lips; any more making out and I would have died of asphyxiation. He slowly let go and I got up, going to the door with him following. When I opened the door he pulled me back, leaving the door cracked and kissed me again, his fingers playing with the hair falling on the nape of my neck. I pushed him gently and he grinned. "I fucking love this"

"Me too but I really need to go, we can do this aaaah-another time" I said and winked at him, probably looking like a fool. I stepped outside and he leaned against the wall.

"Let's go on a date sometime" I smiled because he was sweet enough to think of that and I accepted with a smile. "Tell me when you have time for a mere peasant"

"I'll think about it" I said with my high and mighty attitude and he chuckled. "I'm probably free tomorrow. And the day after tomorrow. And the day after the day after tomorrow" We burst into laughter and I watched the cute smile that followed and that made me fuzzy inside.

"Text me when you get home" I nodded and then decided to run downstairs because I knew I would have never left if I kept looking at him like that, only I bumped into Mr. Kirschtein that was watching me with an opened mouth; damn, he probably saw everything.

"Good-bye, Mr. Kirschtein" I said politely and sprinted downstairs where I put my sneakers on and went with a bus all the way home. I couldn't stop grinning so I felt like an idiot but there was nothing I could do about it, I was a love-sick puppy and I couldn't believe this was really happening. After all that one-sided love we were going on a date, kissing and touching each other. Damn, I couldn't wait for our next making-out session, maybe even... I blushed at the thought. When I got home I was probably walking on sunshine because my mother stopped me before I could escape.

"Oh my goodness, Marco, what's that on your neck?" I hurried to a mirror where I saw my neck looked like it's been bitten by a shark and the only reaction I had was to burst into laughter and touch it, it wasn't hurting at all and the color was nice. Matching someone's boxers. "Did Nate do that?"

"Nate and I broke up" she watched me shocked, a singular question bugging her. Then who did that? "Jean" I shrugged my shoulders.

"Jean Kirschtein?" I nodded. "Are you sure it's a good thing?" She was talking about that friendship thing that has been pestering me all this time.

"Yes, there was too much tension between us, if we wouldn't have got like this, we would have probably got further apart" She nodded and offered me a sip from her milkshake, that I took willingly. "Anyway, don't worry" I am in heaven.

"I never knew he was gay" I turned to hear dead serious and said with a straight face.

"He's not. He's Marcosexual" The laughter that followed was so loud that I could hear it from the floor once I got near my room. Yes, now it was the time to text that nerd.


	8. Holy Ghost

"So... Reiner, you and Bert" I tried my best not to sound awkward even if they were my only reference. Reiner and Bertolt were the only reference of a gay couple that I had around and it got even better - they were best friends, just like Marco and I were. The blonde got his head out of the book he was holding and eyed me confused. We were at the library.

"What about us?" he asked suddenly interested and I frowned because really, it was not my business.

"Well, you two have known each other for long, right?" He nodded. "And what changed when you got together?" He realized I was trying to inform myself about my own relationship so he left the book aside and chained his hands in front of him, watching me with warm eyes. For such a massive guy he was not mean at all.

"A lot changed but nothing changed into bad, I can assure you of that. You and Marco started dating" he stated and I nodded, feeling my skin getting warmer. It was not that I wasn't happy with dating Marco because I was ecstatic but I was a little concerned about making things right, it wasn't like I ever dated a guy before. Girls were pretty easy to handle, they wanted attention, flowers and loved to talk about make-up but with Marco... well, shit. "You always got along perfectly, I am sure your relationship will last"

"When did you know you love Bert in that way?" I asked furrowing my brows and he chuckled.

"I always kinda known but when he asked me out in 9th grade it became clear" His voice was dreamy, which was uncharacteristic and I burst into laughter because we were like two maidens hopelessly in love. "No one knows me better than him, just like no one knows you better than Marco so chill out"

"Okay, thanks" We spent the rest of the evening actually studying and at dinner I headed home because I promised my mom I will be there to eat with her. Not small was my surprised when I saw my father was there too but I ignored him and left my backpack aside, sitting in my usual place while mom was putting the food in our plates. I picked the remote control and began to flick the channels until I settled on swimming olympics because it was the only normal thing I could stare at. Marco was a good swimmer and he had soon to compete so I was going to be there to support and praise him.

"How was school?" dad asked and I ignored him. None of your business.

"Jean, sweetheart, is that a new piercing?" Mom asked pointing at my ear and I grinned, nodding.

"It's pretty simple to have them done where I work" I explained and she sighed.

"I would appreciate if you would take things slower, let your body be for a while" I nodded, even if I was not sure that I will do that, after all it was my body and I loved body-art which brought me to tattoos and piercings. She asked me how was school so I explained to her everything, including the studying session with Reiner. I went with him because Marco was having swimming every Wednesday afternoon and we couldn't meet until tomorrow or, if I was lucky, later today.

"So what's going on between you and Marco?" Dad asked and in that moment I wanted to rip his head off. This was not the way I wanted my mother to find out about my brand new relationship because I didn't know yet the definition of my sexuality. I mean, I couldn't say I was gay even if I was in a gay relationship but also I couldn't say I was bi because no other guy sparkled my interest like Marco did. It was pretty complicated but in that moment my mother let down her fork and raised a brow at me.

"What do you mean?"

"I saw the kids kissing a few days ago" My mother opened her mouth shocked and I sighed.

"Is that true?" I nodded. Damn it. "Why haven't you told me?"

"Because nothing happened until then, alright? And it's none of his business, I wanted to tell you about it. I have fallen for Marco." I said quietly and then heard my phone ping, the person in matter, probably texting me.

"That's bullshit, I don't want to hear about it" Dad said and I rolled my eyes, picking up my phone so I wouldn't kill him.

"Don't talk to him like that." Mom said and they began to argue again. Text message from Freckles: Want to go out tonight? I replied a big YES and then looked back at my father who had a vein pulsing on his neck, he was looking like a maniac.

"I raised a normal child" Well yea, now that I have grown two extra limbs I wasn't normal anymore.

"Mom, let's finish this upstairs" I said and picked our plates, going with them to my room where we sat on the bed after locking the door, leaving my dad with his mouth opened. Dreamy was eating his own dinner from the small bowl I bought him and I went to give him some of my pasta too, making him mewl. I rubbed between his ears and then went to sit next to my shocked mother. "I feel for Marco things I never felt before" I simply said and she nodded.

"So are you gay?" I shook my head.

"I don't think so, I can't tell you yet, even if it's frustrating" She watched me with big eyes but then smiled.

"It's alright, we don't need labels, I want you to be happy and Marco is a really good kid and I know he will temper you when you are reckless" I nodded and went closer to hug her. "Either way, I love you!"

"Love you too" We took some more bites and then I announced I had to go out and meet with Marco and she let me go without a comment, the only condition being to come back before the middle of the night. Which I didn't know if it was going to happen. I took the bus and met Marco in front of the gym where he was doing his training and I smiled when I saw some strands of his hair were still dripping. I went closer and wrapped my arms around his body, making him squeak surprised. "Hi" I smiled and let go of him.

"Hello" he replied and leaned for a peck on the lips that made me melt. "Sorry, it's kinda late"

"No, it's fine, I wanted to get out of there" He raised a brow and I explained everything to him. He listened to me patiently, while we picked two cups of hot chocolate from Starbuck's and we sat down on a bench in the park. It was dark outside, the moon was up and shining and I had no need to go home, there was perfect, talking to Marco was what I needed at the moment so I kept watching his freckled face moving in different ways, sometimes laughing, sometimes cringing at my ideas. I couldn't understand how it hit me only now just how perfect he was but I kept the thought for myself, so I wouldn't sound weird or too clingy. Our hands were tangled when we finished our drinks and I leaned my head on his shoulder, enjoying his touch.

"Do you want to come over? My dad has left with work" he suggested and I nodded, because I was too tired of my father's shit to go home. I messaged my mom and then we took the bus to Marco's house that was quiet and filled with darkness. I was surprised when I saw Mrs. Bodt in the living room watching TV but I said hi and she watched me knowingly, with a smile like the Chesshire Cat's. "Jean's staying over tonight"

"Okay" she said simply. "But could you leave the door slightly opened?" I burst into laughter, knowing what she was thinking of and Marco rolled his eyes annoyed. We weren't about to have sex, in fact I wasn't very sure I knew all I needed to know to do that so I decided to keep it for later, even if I wanted to jump on him whenever I saw him.

"Thanks for the trust, Mrs. Bodt" she gave me two thumbs up.

"Always, dear!" We then went upstairs where Marco let his swimming bag on the chair and I jumped on the bed, falling on my stomach. The room was clean, unlike mine and everything was smelling of him which made me take the pillow in my arms and hug it.

"Do you want biscuits?" I shook my head but he took the package and undid it, beginning to eat one quietly. "How was studying with Reiner?" I rose my shoulders because it was nothing interesting and he came closer, wiping the crumbles off his mouth. "You are very talkative tonight" I burst into laughter and got up.

"Sorry, I am just tired" He nodded and ran his fingers through my hair that was slowly going back to blonde.

"Don't dye it anymore, I like it natural" I grinned and he leaned closer to kiss my lips slowly. I wrapped my arms around him and he dropped the biscuits on the floor when I pulled him on top of me, feeling his body against me. I sucked on his lower lip and then his arms wrapped my neck and he got even closer, almost crawling on me. I could feel his breath so I licked my lips and headed for his neck, ready to kiss him right there. I slowly bit him, feeling him shiver above me and I broke in a smile when I heard a little moan.

"Do you like that?" He nodded, his eyes closed and I bit him again, licking the salty skin and feeling his erection stroking my abdomen through our clothes. It was my turn to moan and I got up, so now he had his legs wrapped around my middle. Even if he was taller, he was slenderer than me so I was easily holding him up. He slowly moved above me and I could feel my dick twitch so I moaned in his mouth, feeling jolts of pleasure in between my legs. "Oh, fuck" I groaned and he let me go so he could undress his shirt, showing me his freckled chest.

"Jean, get your shirt off" he whispered needy and I looked at him surprised, wondering what he wanted us to do. He was impatient so he grabbed the hem and undressed me, making me laugh and then silenced me with a kiss, pulling me closer. I began to kiss down his neck and chest until I decided what I wanted to do and I pushed him on the bed before going to close and lock the door. Hopefully she wasn't going to see. When I went back Marco was already in his black boxers and socks and I hurried to get mine down too, remaining in simple green ones. "You look hot" I grinned.

"I could look even hotter" I winked and turned around, beginning to shake my ass. He burst into laughter so I shook harder, only to receive a spank. "Ow! I never knew you were into these kind of things" I teased and we began to laugh until he tugged on my boxers, pulling me towards him. I never paid real attention to how freckled his body really was but now that I could stare I could see they were like constellations everywhere, especially on his chest and upper arms.

"You have a nice bubbly ass" he said grasping it and I giggled - yes, giggled - like a schoolgirl. I raised a brow because Marco Bodt was having dirty thoughts about my ass and I crawled on top of him, resting on his lap, like he just did on mine. Our erections were touching so I moaned silently, before beginning to kiss him again, feeling his warm skin against mine. My fingers found his curly hair and soon I found myself grinding, feeling incredibly horny. "Do that again" he groaned and I moved my feet so our crotches were pressed against each other.

"Why, does swimming make you horny?" I teased and he growled lowly at me, a sexy sound that only made me go faster.

"No, kissing you does" he whispered and that was all I had to know before I started to grind again and again. His breathing became shorter so I let his lips go, resting my cheek against him as I felt the pleasure ripping through my body. "Jean, if you keep doing that...!" he said a little to loud and I covered his mouth with my fingers, continuing. His chest was flushed now so I pecked his shoulder when his hands pressed against my back and I felt his body shudder. His eyes closed and a long and deep moaned escaped his lips when I felt him softening against me and I knew he just came; I continued to rub against him until I came too with the image of him in front of me and I became a panting mess. I rested my head against his shoulder and took a few minutes in which we simply stood in silence, calming our hearts. "We should open the door now" He said sarcastic and I chuckled, trying to get up but then realized my legs were made of jelly and I simply fell next to him.

"What the fuck was this?" I asked dizzy and he chuckled, getting up to unlock the door and dress a pair of pants.

"I believe it's called dry humping" I hummed, trusting him and then rolled under the covers because I wasn't in the mood to change, even if my boxers were wet and uncomfortable. It was the first sexual thing we've done together so I was feeling a little bit anxious, thinking I might've done something wrong. But we both came so I guess it was fine. He came back, dressed in his pajama pants and rested his head on an arm, watching me serious. "You okay?" I nodded and he smiled. "Good" My fingers began to circle my own navel and I looked over at him.

"I need a cigarette"

"Not in my bedroom" I sighed but accepted. "You're coming this Friday to my competition, right?"

"Of course, we need to book a table somewhere to celebrate" I said and yawned before he came closer to kiss my lips gently. "What was that for?" he chuckled.

"I like it how you are sure I'm gonna win" I frowned.

"Of course you will, you're the best swimmer I know" I said and grinned.

"I'm the only swimmer you know, Jean!" he groaned and I burst into laughter before turning to the side so now I was facing him. I was very tired after this full day and knowing that tomorrow evening I had to work all I wanted to do was sleep so I snuggled closer and closed my eyes. "You're such a sleepy poop"

"Shut your trap before I kick your swimmer ass off the bed" I groaned and he chuckled before he began to run his fingers through my bangs.

"But you're a sweet poop-face" I buried my face in the sheets so I could ignore him and felt my ear being kissed. "Are you seriously going to sleep?" I pouted.

"If it's not too much, yes, I would like to sleep because I am tired"

"Okay, mood-destroyer. Sex makes you sleepy?" I was tired because I did lots of things today, it had nothing to do with having an orgasm. We didn't have real sex after all.

"How should I know?" And then it struck me and I got up, hurried. "Do you?" He burst into laughter and then wrapped an arm around me, forcing me down on the bed.

"Are you asking me if I had sex?" I nodded, unsure and he laughed harder. "I am a miserable virgin"

"Not for long" I said cocky and we both burst into laughter. "Now I am calmer and can go to sleep" He left me sleep after all with his arm around me like a nice blanket that kept me warm through the night. The next day I spent my day like a model student and then went to work and soon it was Friday and I was waiting to end my shift so I could change my clothes and go to the swimming pool where the competition was held. I had one hour to do so but my boss didn't look like he could be disturbed so I didn't say anything, I just endured it all. At one point my collegue, the one that was drawing the tattoos came closer and grinned. "What?"

"I have some new goodies, do you want some?" I looked at him curious and then I realized what he was talking about. Weed was not a problem, not even to me, but when it came to other drugs I was a firm no so I couldn't understand why the pills he showed me seemed so appealing. I was wondering if they would make me feel better, make me feel like everything was alright so I started at them before getting my wallet out.

"Sure"


	9. Heaven

I scrolled down the page, bored by everything I was seeing and not knowing how I should continue. It was the big Saturday - the one with the swimming competition - and as I still had a few hours left until the main act, I decided I could spend them relax and do whatever I wanted. Jean was working so I couldn't count on him to entertain me, not that I was blaming him, after all he's been overly cautious with me lately, he even called me the night before to make sure I ate properly and went to sleep early. Now, that our relationship progressed we spent hours on the phone but when it came to my tight schedule due the swimming he was never compromising. Only thinking about that made me feel a weird tingling sensation inside my stomach so I tried to think about something else, knowing too well where my thoughts were leading me. It was honestly weird because before Jean Kirschtein I have never taken the possibility of having sex with someone seriously but right now, I was getting a boner whenever I was thinking of him kissing me.

Of course I knew how people in a same-sex relationship were having intercourse and having something inside my butt didn't seem all that appealing to me but Jean's... wouldn't bother me all that much. I've been watching lots of porn lately since I was this horny and no matter how many I have watched, it always seemed that the bottom had more fun, though I couldn't know until I tried myself. I struggled to make my thoughts fly in a different direction when the door of my dorm opened and inside came my father, a rather abnormal view.

"Hi" I said in an awkward tone and turned so I could face him. He was fuming so I furrowed my brows at the image of his anger.

"Look at me and listen to me carefully" It was my time to get nervous. "Charlie Kirschtein called me and told me that you corrupted his only son. If you want to play stupid games and want to be in the centre of attention, do not involve other people" I looked at him with my mouth gaped, not believing what I was hearing. "Leave Jean alone" My brain couldn't react fast enough.

"I love him" I said in a low voice and his eye began to twitch; he grasped the collar of my shirt and pulled me to my feet.

"Do not dare to say that to me. You have brought enough shame upon our family" My family was Christian and as religious as my parents were, being gay was as bad as being a murderer but my mother was gentle enough not to say anything bad to me. With my father, though, was another problem.

"He loves me too" This was said a lot quieter because I couldn't bet on that, maybe he was just acting like an egoistic child who didn't want to lose his toy. And still, I couldn't believe he was this awful person who didn't care about my feelings, he couldn't be after all that we went through. This was when the first slap fell, across my cheek.

"Not everyone is as sick as you" he growled and I shook my head, trying not to cry. He hit me again, this time in the middle of my chest and I felt my heart skipping a beat.

"I won't give up on him" I whispered and when the next blow fell I felt tears soaking my face. I didn't even feel them because the emotional pain was too strong and his words were still burning my skin. All I hoped for was for all this to end and to see Jean after that damn competition. After he finished, he left the room after he warned me one more time that I should "stop this bullshit" and I immediately went to check the skin and see if he left some bruises. Thankfully, the skin was only swollen and I knew the next day it would look worse, not that it would matter. I didn't want to tell my mother because that would only cause more fights and I didn't need that at all. I can't remember how the time passed but as mom was working in her office, dad ended up driving me there and the road was silent and uncomfortable. I couldn't even bear to see him so I placed the headphones on and looked outside the window until we reached the swimming pool and I ran to the changing rooms.

The guys I was competing against were not a real danger but I was feeling sick so I wasn't convinced I was going to win. I put my swimming suit on and then my glasses and helmet before getting in the right room and hearing the public clapping. I looked around for a blonde head but there was none and I began to feel like the room was closing in. Where was he? Something must've happened to him because he promised me he would be there and he wouldn't let me down this way. Ever since I began taking swimming classes, when I was 5, he's been my biggest supporter, not missing any of my contests. I tried to calm down and when I heard the whistle everything became blurry and somehow I found myself being handled the medal and being surrounded by people clapping. I couldn't care less about those stuff now but I talked with everyone that wanted my attention and then hurried to the back where I searched desperately for my phone. I dialed Jean and waited two rings.

"Hello?" his voice was gruffy and I gasped, happy that he was ok.

"Hi. Hi, baby, are you alright?" I asked still nervous and there was a small pause in which I could hear his breathing.

"Sorry, I just woke up, can I call you in a few?" I couldn't believe that so I simply nodded and hung up. This was the worst day ever, I couldn't even bring myself to tell him what he missed, I simply went to the showers where I felt like I was going to explode from all these feelings. I stood there for a while and after I took everything I owned I began to wander all over the place, not looking for anything at all. I stopped on a street to realize I never saw this area before and after I bought myself a hot-chocolate I could drink because it was chilly and turned off my phone that wouldn't stop ringing. The people calling were mom and Jean and I knew I was a bastard for worrying them but I needed to be alone.

When I got home I went straight to my room where I locked myself and remained there until the morning. I could barely close an eye so at 6 A.M. I left to go to the library and closed my phone once again, not to be disturbed. I was honestly disappointed with life and I kept losing time all day, reluctant with the fact that I had to go back for the night. It was near 11 P.M. when I was walking down my house's alley and when I spotted a red dot in the air which only meant someone was smoking and the only person I knew that would smoke in front of my house was Jean Kirschtein. Part of my heart wanted to ignore him while the other part wanted to cry with relief that he was here. He dropped the cigarette and began to walk fast towards me, meeting me halfway. His arms wrapped around my body at an instant and I was pulled inside his warmth.

"Thank God you're alright" he whispered and I frowned. "I've been waiting here for you all day" Something inside me began to tighten and I slowly pushed him away, feeling guilty.

"I am sorry" I knew he was working and it was really selfish for me to act like this.

"I am sorry, will you forgive me? I don't know what's gotten into me, I was kept at work and it completely slipped my mind" he began to babble and I smiled sadly.

"It's alright, it wasn't such a big deal" I just needed you there in that moment. "I won"

"I know, congratulations, I was sure you would" he said and wrapped his arms around me again, allowing me to rest my head against his broad shoulder, which was a bit painful as I was slightly taller. "I missed you, Freckles; so badly" I nodded because I missed him too and then got up so I would peck his lips.

"We need to get away from this house" I said, remembering my father could see us and he threw me a weird glance that was filled with questions. "We just need" I wasn't ready to tell him what happened, hoping it wouldn't happen again. He came over with his mother's car so we got inside the little Sedan and he drove a few roads until he stopped in front of a McDonald's.

"Want something?" I nodded and he ordered our usual and remained waiting with the window opened. That was the thing about Jean, he knew me for so long that he knew every little detail about me, he could choose in my place but sometimes I felt like I wasn't all that special to him. He placed my paper-bag on my lap and began to eat his French fries, apologizing again for missing my performance.

"Jean?" I asked feeling my heart beating wildly. He turned to me a little confused and waited so I began to knead my hands. "D-do you uhm... love me?" The last part was told in a very low voice and in that moment he smiled widely and nodded.

"Of course I do" But I could recognize the way he was telling me that, the same way he did when we were in first grade or in kindergarten.

"No, Jean, for real" I explained and took a big breath.

"You have to explain what does that mean" he said and chuckled. "I mean I always did" I could feel my eyes getting watery because he simply didn't get it, he was referring to the same embryo love from years ago, nothing in his heart grew so far.

"Take me home, please" I said and he furrowed his brows, looking at me like I have grown an extra head. "Jean, take me home"

"Why?" He was almost shocked.

"Just do it" He didn't move an inch so I placed the food aside and struggled to get out of the car, releasing myself from the safety belt. "Good night" I said in a monotone voice and I slammed the door, watching him stare at me in disbelief. I couldn't put up with his childish behaviour, not right now and not like this, I needed him to love me but he had no idea how and I was feeling hopeless. I rubbed my eyes so I wouldn't cry and began to pace on the street, trying to keep a low profile and within seconds I heard steps and turned around to see he was there behind me, with a worried face.

"Marco" he whispered and I felt like choking. He got closer and only when he hugged me did I realize I was shaking badly. "I love you" he whispered to me and I slowly wrapped my arms around his middle. "I fucking love you so much it scares the crap out of me" I ignored the dirty words and felt my heart calm down at the sound of his voice. I pressed my lips against his and slowly brushed them with my tongue, searching for that tongue of his. He moaned and after a few minutes of kissing we let go of each other and I panted, resting my forehead against his.

"I love you too"

"For real?" he chuckled, imitating me and I rolled my eyes.

"You're such a dumbass" He chuckled again and kissed my cheek. We ended up making out again once we reached the car and when we finished I realized the windows were steamed so I began to draw stuff on them, stuff of all sorts. I felt Jean's lips on my neck and I began to draw a little heart when his hand grasped mine and his fingers intertwined with mine. He was biting and sucking the skin so I moaned and knew there was going to be a hickey left. "Stop it" I urged him and he groaned against my ear.

"I want to give you a few more"

"Not on the neck" I warned because I didn't want my father to see and he raised his eyebrows, turning on the heat in the car.

"You brought this upon yourself" he laughed evily and I got closer to make him shut up with a kiss that was prolonged with a lip-bite. His lips were just that kissable; We began to kiss again and we ended in the backseat where he was on top of me, kissing me wildly. I didn't know what he wanted to do but I bet they were not holy intentions, I kinda figured that out when my shirt disappeared by chance. "Your freckles are so cute" he said watching me straight in the eye and I felt my cheeks heating.

"You're not so cute right now" I teased and he bit my nipple, taking me by surprise when I felt the jolts hitting my lower parts.

"No?" he asked jokingly and I shook my head.

"You're too sexy to be cute" He moaned and I grabbed his blonde hair, bringing his mouth to mine. "Jean Sexy Kirschtein"

"Thank God it's not Brian" he said and we both burst into laughter. How could he be like this even in these moments? How? I simply couldn't get how he could switch from dorky to sex-god in seconds. "Have you ever had a blow-job?" he whispered as if it was a secret and I shook my head. "Remember two summers ago when I went in that camp? That's when I had my first one, a girl from there..." I didn't want to hear about his past flings so I looked away and he stopped right away. As he was leaning on top of me he kissed my cheek gently. "I am sorry"

"You're not, you proud bastard" I muttered and he chuckled.

"I am, I won't talk about it again." I frowned but accepted it after all and we began kissing again, this time forgetting our words. Our tongues were syncing when his hand began to brush down my abdomen and I felt my pants tightening. He got down and simply unbuttoned my pants. "Lift your butt a little" I did and soon they were gone and he was rubbing me through the grey material of my boxers. "That's a big boy" I was seriously blushing by now.

"Shut it" He pouted and got down the boxers too, freeing my erection and taking it in his hand.

"Sorry to disappoint but yours is bigger than mine" I stopped in tracks.

"Nooo" I said in disbelief and he nodded, grinning.

"Seriously" He was staring at it intently so I draped my arm on my eyes, trying just to feel because the image was overwhelming. "It's so weird, I never saw one so close before, beside mine, of course" He tightened the grasp and I moaned a little. "Does that feel good?"

"Y-yes" I hesitated and I could almost feel his smile.

"I never felt the need to see another penis before, I still don't. But I like this"

"Oh my Jesus Christ, stop talking!" I yelled and he chuckled, teasing the tip with his thumb. I buckled my hips and he grinned, feeling the pre-cum sliding down his fingers. He lowered his face and gave it a trying lick, to taste the waters. At the feeling of his hot tongue on the tip I felt like coming and he held my hands in his before taking the head in his mouth, making me yell. "Aaaaaaah!" He smiled and tried to get more and more of it, until I felt it touch his cheek and then the back of his throat. "Jean!" I whined and he watched me playfully. He let go of one of my hands just to fondle my balls and make me squirm right in front of his eyes. He began bobbing and before I could tell I finished and he slid up the length, licking his lips.

"Bitter but not bad" he said and I continued to pant, still crazy with what happened. "Who would have thought you can be so loud?" I blushed further and he came to kiss my lips gently, letting me taste myself which was weird and sensual altogether. I knew he was hard too so I brought my hand closer to his crotch and soon I was giving him a hand-job, making sure he reached his relief. After we finished we curled on the now-wet leather and he buried his face in my chest. For a badass, he was a needy cuddler.

"Jean?" He looked at me with a silly grin on. "Have you ever thought of having sex?" He nodded and reached for his cigarettes but gave up when he realized we needed to open the windows for that. "Top or bottom?" He took a small pause.

"How should I know? I guess we have to try both ways to see how it's fit" I nodded, seeing his point and then got red, thinking about the next week at the cabin. "Do you want to do it next weekend?" Do I? I guess so, the sexual tension was present and I really wanted to go all the way with him so why not? I nodded shyly and kissed his lips slowly.

"Let's go tomorrow and buy the stuff we need together" I suggested and he agreed, holding me closer. "You also need to get me home, you know that, right?"

"I don't want to, let's sleep here tonight" I sighed, thinking about the possibility but denied the offer, regaining my rationality. I needed to avoid any scandals, by all means. We cleaned the backseat with baby wipes and before I left we kissed short but sweet, breaking in smiles. "Sleep well, baby"

"You too, message me when you get home" He nodded and watched me as I walked inside before leaving the alley. I was too high to feel the beating my father gave me. He saw us and he was not happy about it but I would have never said I would give Jean up so I endured it all before trying to get some sleep, thinking about the next school day. Monday's classes flew and I found myself in the same Sedan as the night before, listening to my boyfriend singing his lungs on a Michael Jackson song while we were waiting at a red light. I smiled at the image and shook my head cause he was so childish.

"What?" he grinned and I rolled my eyes.

"Nothing, just you" he leaned slowly and kissed me shortly, urging me to grab his hair. I nuzzled his nose, smiling and the light turned green. "Please don't dye your hair again, I like it blonde better" He had a weird colour, his undercut was darker than the top of his head but I loved it.

"Yessir" he chuckled and I rested my head on his shoulder, feeling the need to bite his skin. "Don't fall asleep on me"

"I won't" I pouted and soon we were in front of a pharmacy and so I climbed down and waited for him to lock the car and take my hand in his. "It's gonna be weird"

"Weird as fuck" he agreed and we both chuckled. "I can't wait to see the cashier's reaction" Inside there was a bit colder than outside and we went to that special place that was filled with sexual things : condoms, lubes and other substances that I didn't know what were for. There were so many I couldn't understand how should we pick but the internet said Magnum condoms were the best so we had to go with those. "Oh my Gowd! They have strawberry flavoured condoms, we are so taking these" he said and picked a pack, grinning goofily. Ever since we were small children, Jean Kirschtein was obsessed with strawberries; when we were in middle school and my mother was putting some in my lunch box he was always the one to eat them, not that I complained cause I loved to see that satisfied smile on his face.

"They have coconut too" I was the coconut man. We took that one too and then we looked weirdly at the lube bottles. He randomly picked two bottles and I realized our hands were full. "Do we really need all these?"

"We will sure waste some of them" he chuckled and came closer. "And the rest we can keep for later" he winked and I felt butterflies in my tummy. We went to the cashier and when we placed all the stuff in front of her she looked at us with that I-know-what-you're-up-to face that made both of us uncomfortable. Oh, well... We paid for the stuff and I told Jean he should keep them until this Friday. "Let's go have lunch, it's my treat"

"Don't you work today?" I asked and he pursed his lips cutely.

"My shift starts at 3 so we have one hour left" We had a nice time and he drove me home before going to the tattoo place where he was working. Fortunately my father was gone on a business trip and mom was working so I went upstairs where I watched some videos on youtube and downloaded a movie. I was seeing the generic when my phone pinged.

 _From : Sasha_

 _How big is your dick ?_

I stared at the screen again and again but there was the same message on it. What the actual fuck? I typed back immediately.

 _To : Sasha_

 _Are you drunk?_

 _From : Sasha_

 _Tell me already! .'_

What the fuck?

 _From : Sasha_

 _It's for a project. The average is 9 cm._

I sighed and went to my writing desk. I have never thought, it my wildest dreams that I would do something like this with a ruler. I picked the instrument and soon my pants were gone and I was holding my flaccid phallus, trying to measure it. What wouldn't I do for my friends? 11 cm. I put my boxers back and I texted her.

 _To : Sasha_

 _It's a little above the average. 11 cm._

 _From : Sasha_

 _And Jean Jr?_

My face must've been tomato red.

 _To : Sasha_

 _I don't know._

 _From : Sasha_

 _Oh comeoooon, dont be a prude, tell me._

 _To : Sasha_

 _I think 8 or 9_

 _From : Sasha_

 _Bless your soul for thiz information._

Uokey, what the heck was going on? Sasha was so weird, I really hoped she wouldn't handle Levi an essay about my penis' size. The next day I have tried to ask her what happened but she would avoid the subject and so the days went by and we found ourselves in the middle of Friday. We had to meet at 3 P.M. in front of a certain park where Connie's father would come with the mini-van. We had that van that was probably going to be driven by Jean and Reiner's car because we were quite a few. When I got there I was hardly carrying my bag but I could easily find the loud group and I was welcomed by Ymir.

"Hello, Freckle power" Both of us had freckles so we always did that and we high fived. She was holding Krista's hand and I smiled because they were so out and about and I looked around to see if Jean was there. He was not so I left my bag down and sat down on the edge of the road, taking the bottle of water out to drink some.

"Marco, you look a little pale, are you ok?" Krista asked and I nodded, smiling.

"Don't worry, it's the weather." I assured her and checked myself to see if the make-up from my neck and arms stood in place. I had violet spots from my dear father so I had to use my mom's make-up kit to hide them from the curious eyes. "How are you, guys?"

"We pulled an all-nighter last night" Ymir said and the little blonde girl blushed so I chuckled, understanding what they did all night. Soon Connie and Sasha came with the van and they were bringing Eren, Armin and Mikasa along, Eren screaming his lungs out like usual. Reiner and Bert were talking so I went closer to Armin and started a friendly conversation until I felt arms wrapped around me and someone kissed the back of my neck. I smiled and turned around to see Jean who smiled back.

"Hi, sexy"

"Hi, yourself" I answered and he put his sunglasses on his eyes, which only made him look cooler. "You're gonna drive?" He said yes and we chose who stays where so I ended up with Sasha, Connie, Jean and Mikasa inside the van while the others were with Reiner. We played cards and when we stopped at a market Mikasa and Sasha went to buy the alcohol while the rest of us waited. It was a lot of alcohol, even for our numerous group but I didn't say anything, knowing it would spoil the fun. I was air-headed and I guess they observed because from time to time they would ask me if I was okay. Honestly, my thoughts were flying to the beating I was going to take once I get home and I couldn't concentrate on much, I was feeling nervous about tonight too. Not that I didn't want to have sex with Jean, I was worried that I wasn't going to be good at it.

The place where we were staying was beautiful and I had to dress my jacket because it was pretty cold. It was evening and we began the fire in every room while the girls began to unpack and make the frozen pizzas. There were also 4 rooms which was not enough for such a group and everyone began to fight who was going to stay where, especially that was only a double and three couples.

"We should stay there" Jean said and Ymir crossed her arms in front of her.

"Why? Just because you have a dick?"

"Well fuck yea!" he yelled back and I face-palmed myself, feeling very uncomfortable.

"Guys, guys! Stop!" This one was Sasha who came in holding her backpack. "I have the answer to all your questions" I raised a brow and then she got out a few written papers. "Here it is, a 5 pages essay why Jean Kirschtein and Marco Bodt should have sex" When I heard that I got so red that I thought I was going to burn and Jean took the papers, blushing himself.

"What the fuck, Sash?" he asked and roamed his eyes across the papers, getting redder and redder. "What the fuck is this? It's like 50 shades of grey, the gay edition" Sasha burst into laughter and then turned to the others.

"Okay, Ymir and Krista, Bert and Reiner had other opportunities to stay alone in a room so I think it is only fair to let these two love-birds now" She continued and I almost choked on air. I swear, sometimes I was sure she was crazy for real. I was so embarrassed that I covered my face with both hands until I heard Bert laughing.

"You better use it properly" he warned and I excused myself to the bathroom because it was so uncomfortable. These people just wanted to make me embarrassed, not that it was something new. Jean moved our things in the room and before 8 we ate and began to play Kings. I gave up after two games but Jean continued and he was getting rather dizzy and "happy".

"Take care Horse-face, if you have too much your thingy won't work" Eren said and Jean threw him a dirty look.

"Happened to you before, Eren? I don't have to worry about it, Marco has his" he grinned bashfully at me and I felt the blush creeping on my neck. It was funny to watch them get drunk but I stopped Jean after a while, not wanting him to be sick the next day. He pecked my lips and nodded. "Don't worry, babe, I'm not drunk" Yea, that was what every drunk said.

"Upstairs" I ordered and he wiggled his brows.

"Roaaarr" he groaned in my ear and I chuckled.

"You are wasted, Jean. Wasted"

"I am just playful and dizzy" He said and tripped over the step so I had to catch him. "Can't wait to get you naked" he murmured and began to kiss my neck, almost jumping me. Until we reached the dorm he rubbed against me, making me feel his erection and I chuckled cause he was so damn horny. I locked the door, just in case and when I turned around I could see him struggling to get his pants down. "Wait a little" Panic.

"Are you feeling sick? You're gonna throw up?" He shook his head.

"No, but I want to get rid of the alcohol"

"Why?"

"Cause I want to remember everything" I felt my heart beating faster and I leaned on the bed, kissing him gently. His teeth bit my lower lip and his tongue began to search my mouth, dancing with mine. His hands sneaked under my shirt and his fingers brushed against my nipples, making me tremble. I began to kiss his neck and he moaned in a hoarse, horny voice that made me smile. "Marco, the pants" he panted and I grinned.

"Naughty" I teased and he chuckled when I began to unbutton his jeans. I was bracing myself because I never gave a blow-job in my life and I wanted to do that for him so after I removed the pants I got to the boxers that were teal. I chuckled and he smiled.

"It's your favorite color, right?" I nodded and got up to kiss him for his sweet behaviour. I rubbed him through the boxers, feeling them wet with pre-cum and then got the material away, taking him in my hand. He was hard as a rock so I teased the top gently, before kissing my way to his abdomen and smelling his musky scent. We all took a shower when we arrived so we were clean and shiny and he was smelling of Jean and soap. "Marco" he moaned and I grinned.

"Yes, Jean?" I tightened my grip and he hissed between his teeth.

"Fuck, do something" I got closer and licked the head, tentatively, as to see how he would react. He threw his head back and I nuzzled his happy trail that was very arousing. "Marco!" he wailed and I licked the side, making him tremble. "Take it!" he groaned and I laughed cause he was sounding like a porn actor.

"Patience"

"Fuck patience" he groaned and grabbed my hair to urge me. I got the message so I took the head in my mouth and sucked it, just like I would do with candy. He then closed his eyes and began to moan, satisfying me. "It's so hot, baby, I am going to come" So soon? Jesus, he really couldn't control it for long when it came to bjs so I took the most I could in my mouth and felt his cum filling it as he was trembling under me. It was sticky and bitter but it made me feel kinky so I gulped it and licked my lips before we started kissing again.

"Noob" I said and he slapped my arm playfully.

"You sure give a good blow"

"Or you're suffering of blue balls" I said and we both burst into laughter.

"I am totally sober now" he added and I got my shirt down, snuggling beside him and wrapping my arms around him. "Give me a second and I'll return the favour"

"It's fine" I said but he wasn't convinced so we were soon making out again and he began to kiss my shoulder and down my chest sucking the skin from time to time. I was sweaty and I didn't realize that the make-up will eventually fall off so when he stopped I raised my head, confused. "What?" He poked the violet skin gently and I hissed so he began to rub the skin, revealing a big bruise on my ribs.

"What the fuck is this?" I was lost for a second so he forcefully turned me around, observing the others on my back too. "Marco, what the fuck is this?" He was worried, I knew he was but I didn't want to talk about it so I looked away, making him to grab my chin. "I am talking to you"

"It's nothing"

"If it would be fucking nothing then I wouldn't be asking you shit" he seemed almost angry so I knew he was panicked.

"Leave it alone. Jesus!" I said annoyed and grasped my shirt to put it back on. He stopped me right away and looked me in the eye, expectant.

"I'll kill whoever did this" he said simply and I furrowed my brows.

"No, stop this talk" He came closer and took my head in both hands, looking at me pained. "I am serious, Jean, I don't want to talk about it"

"Fuck it" he muttered and got away so he could light a cigarette. I couldn't understand what was going on. "I can't believe all the bullshit you told me, let's have no secrets, you know me better than anyone; shit like this" He said, angered once again and he went to the balcony, leaving me behind. I got up, struggling to make courage and went next to him but he didn't look at me. "Fucking hypocrite" He was mad and he was using harsh words.

"Stop it, you're acting like a child"

"Sorry for caring" he rolled his eyes and threw the cigarette butt outside the balcony and got back inside, heading for the bathroom. I went to sit back on the bed and began to pull my hair because the night was falling apart and I couldn't figure it out how I could fix it. He got out and took something from his jacket and then I could hear the shower running. Great. I just sat there, thinking hard about how I should talk to him and it lasted almost half an hour to get back and when he did, he had a strange aura so I thought he was feeling sick.

"Are you okay?" I asked and he turned around, staring at me with a blank expression.

"Let's fuck" I felt goosebumps.

"Excuse me?"

"Let's fuck, isn't this why we've come here for?" I couldn't believe him.

"Maybe that's what you came for, you bastard" I yelled in his face and he grabbed my hand. "What are you doing?"

"You must love violence if you hid it from me so well" I couldn't believe what was coming out of his mouth so I pulled my hand but he wouldn't let me go. "You don't give a fuck about me, Marco!" he yelled. "You don't give a fuck!" This time he was louder and I felt shivers down my spine when I heard him. I was honestly scared of him and his attitude. His eyes were cold and he reminded me of a hunted animal. "I fucking hate you!" he shouted and that was what it took for tears to begin to flow all over my face. The last time he said something like this was when we were in third grade and I began to hang out with another guy almost as much as I did with him and I remember crying then too because he was the only person I really wanted to be loved by. Back then, when he saw me bawling he began crying too and this time it wasn't much different, only that we weren't children anymore.

I felt sobs swallowing me whole, for him, for my father, for my mother who never noticed how hurt I was, it all came to me in the ugliest manner and I simply couldn't stop. I was trying to control my sobs and running nose but it was impossible and he was watching me with a guilty face, knowing he screwed up big time.

"Marco" he tried in a calm voice but I needed none. "Marco" he whispered and began to cry so hard it almost scared me. "I am sorry, I am sorry, please forgive me, Marco, please forgive me" he pleaded hopelessly and I wiped my face with the back of my hand. "Please" he cried and I felt scared, not knowing what to do.

"I am gonna call a taxi and leave" I decided out-loud and for a moment he panicked, trying to grab my arm. I left in time and began to put my stuff back in my bag while he stared at me from the bed.

"It's the middle of the night" he said, as if that would stop me and I wiped my tears with my arm. "It's dangerous, let me drive you at least" He was a little more coherent now but that didn't mean I could just let him drive me all the way home after all that happened.

"I don't want you to."

"The taxis won't come here, it's too far away from the city and you don't have that much money" He had a point cause I really didn't so I decided to leave with the first train in the morning. I couldn't handle the thick air and the situation so there was no other solution but to leave and let everyone have fun.

"I'll sleep in the kitchen" I said, bringing my bag along and taking a pillow. I didn't say good night because he was still trying to convince me I should stay there but he didn't come after me once I exited the room and thank God he didn't because I couldn't do that anymore. There was a small sofa in the kitchen so I put the pillow there and then put a sweater on, so I could be warm. Of course I couldn't fall asleep, my head was spinning and my eyes were burning and I couldn't believe how this night turned out to be. I was beginning to think being involved in a romantic relationship with Jean was a big mistake because he was a possessive and big-mouthed idiot but now we couldn't go back and once this ended we had to end it all.

In the middle of the night I heard someone stepping in so I raised my head and found out Sasha sneaking for the fridge where she picked a chocolate. She didn't see me at first so when I called her name she almost dropped it on the floor and then came to me after turning on the lights.

"What happened to your face?" she asked scared; it must've been swollen. "Did Jean hurt you?"

"No but I think Jean and I can no longer be" I whispered and she gasped.

"What is this bullshit, Freckles? What happened?"

"We had a big-ass fight, he acted like an egoistic asshole"

"Babe, Jean is by definition an egoistic asshole but we love him either way because we know in reality he is better than that. Why is your bag here?"

"I am leaving in the morning" I muttered and explained to her everything about the leaving and the train. The only question that was roaming through my mind was what he was doing, hoping he wouldn't do anything stupid so I looked at Sasha nervous. "Could you..." I stopped because I didn't deserve this and he didn't either.

"Do you want me to check on him?" she smiled and I nodded, still feeling shy. "Okay, I will be back" She left me the chocolate and then ran upstairs where she stood for ten minutes or so. Meanwhile I was trying to take short breaths because it felt like I was having a claustrophobic attack. She came back with a worried expression. "He is hysterical, are you sure you can't go to him?" I didn't want to but I didn't enjoy the thought of him killing himself over something either so I accepted and took slow steps towards the room that was so thoughtfully gave to us, for other purposes than this. Sasha and I parted ways and I got inside without knocking. He was sobbing so hard it seemed like he was hurting and he was pulling his hair hard; it hurt me to see him like that. It was like he couldn't see me so I closed the door and I went closer to him, taking the hands out of his hair and slowly putting them down.

"Marco" he sobbed when he saw me and even more tears came. "Don't leave" he begged and I sighed because he was acting like a crybaby. Deep inside, I knew he was really desperate so when he grabbed my hand I sighed. I got up and he winced but I only climbed on the bed behind him and wrapped my arms around his body, feeling him melt against my chest. He was still acting strange and I wondered if he's been drinking but there was no sign of alcohol reeking. "Marco?"

"Go to sleep" I ordered and he nodded.

"I love you" he whispered and I bit my lip, hearing the desperate tone.

"Shhh" I urged him and a few more minutes passed and he was asleep. I simply couldn't fall asleep because all that happened was spinning in my head but finally I did and I woke up around five when I checked my phone and decided it was time to leave. I got up quickly and went to wash my face before grabbing my stuff and leaving for the train station. When I left no one was awake so I left easily and after I bought the ticket I got inside and messaged my mother that I will be home sooner than planned. I was almost in the city when my phone began to ring and I answered without looking, already knowing who it was.

"Where are you?"

"Almost home, Jean" I said and I could almost picture his face. "Have fun there, okay? Don't think about what happened" I honestly didn't want to spoil his fun, it was just that I couldn't be near him right then anymore, I needed space and time to think.

"Marco, I..." he started and I smiled.

"I know but that doesn't change anything" I said softly and he sighed.

"Message me?"

"I don't think so" A big pause followed. "Stay with the others, apologize to them from me and tell them I am not feeling well right now"

"Are you not feeling well?"

"I feel sad"

"I am sorry" I smiled.

"I know you are" My assurance wouldn't change anything, of course but at least he knew I acknowledged his feelings. "I have to go now, take care of yourself" He breathed into the phone and after a few seconds he agreed, wishing me goodbye. I stared at the screen for a few more minutes until my station was announced and I closed my eyes to prepare myself for what was going to follow.


	10. Nobody loves me like you

"Are you going to be long?" I yelled towards the bathroom where my best friend for years, 7-years-old Marco Bodt was fixing his costume for the trick or treat. I looked at myself in the mirror because I was waiting for forever now and smiled proudly at my vampire costume that had a long cape and fake plastic teeth with some blood painting on my mouth. I haven't seen Marco's costume yet but he promised me it was scary. "Come oooooon, all the good candy will be gone" I whined.

The door opened and then came my best friend dressed in a green costume and with yellow petals around his head that were making him look like a... daisy.

"You told me it's gonna be scary"

"I am a man-eating flower" he crossed his arms in front of his chest and I giggled. He then picked his pillow case and urged me outside because we were late. We had walkie talkies so we could talk to each other on the two streets on which we were aloud. We also had sparkling bracelets so we could find each other and so we got out of his house, ready for some sweets. His parents were a bit different from mine because I was aloud to eat enough candy to vomit while he had a limit (which he respected even if his parents weren't around) and I was feeling sorry for him because he had such a strong sweet-tooth. We got to the big house in the end of the street and rang the doorbell. Outside came a grey-haired woman that regarded us smiling.

"Trick or treat?" We yelled at the same time and she chuckled, getting two little bags of M&M's that she dropped in our big white bags.

"Thank you, ma'am!" Marco grinned, showing his missing tooth and she rubbed his curls, appreciative.

"We have here a little gentleman" she exclaimed and then put a kinder chocolate bar inside his bag. She smiled again before getting inside and I looked at Marco with an opened mouth.

"How comes you always get more candy?" He rose his shoulders and I grabbed his hand once again, heading for the next house. We were almost there and were walking in silence when some tall guy got out of the bushes and yelled at us, making Marco almost fall over. "You asshole!" I shouted and realized Marco was crying his soul out, almost breathless because he was that scared. "Come on, don't cry" I tried but had no chance cause he began harder and wrapped his arms around me, allowing me to rub his back. "He was just a poop-head!"

"J-Jean, we're not supposed to say bad words" he said quietly and I chuckled, rubbing his cheeks with my fingers.

"The parents aren't around"

"Still, don't say them!" he insisted and I groaned.

"Okay, just stop crying!" When he was finally done we continued our little trip until we reached another house where some bigger kids were just leaving. When they saw us they stopped and looked at our costumes in a way that told me something mean was going to follow.

"Dude, your costume is so gay!" one of them said to Marco and we froze. We didn't know what that meant but it wasn't sounding friendly.

"Shut up! He's a man-eating flower!" I answered and they all began to laugh when I pulled Marco by the hand towards the house. "Don't listen to them, your costume is awesome" I said and took some of my fake-blood to paint his cheeks and mouth.

"What does gay mean?"

"I don't know, let's ask my dad once we get home" He nodded and we continued our mission until it was late and we reached my house where my parents were waiting for us with a cake prepared. When I asked what gay meant my dad frowned but then explained that gay boys were boys who loved boys instead of girls. It was a little unclear but as it was Saturday night he was staying at my place and we had the chance to discuss it later.

"So what is bad about being gay? Boys are better than girls" I said and he nodded, taking a bite of his cookie.

"Yes, girls have cooties" We both agreed.

* * *

It was such a strange memory, I couldn't understand why was I thinking of that but a pair of fingers made me snap out of it and I looked up to see my co-worker that was waiting for me to handle him the tattoo templates. I gave them to him and he watched me worried.

"Jean, you should take it easier with the pills" I half-laughed and waved at him dismissively.

"Don't worry about it, I am just going through a hard period" I said and went in the back to clean the stuff there. I was not even taking that much, I was taking one in the morning and one in the evening to stay calm and keep my mind away from everything. The weekend in the mountains was a total fail and I spent all my time drunk, staring blankly and my phone and fighting with Eren. I haven't exchanged one word with Marco since that night and I was so horrified of what happened that I didn't even go to school this Monday. I was trying to brace myself and go tomorrow but I wasn't sure about it, I couldn't remember what I've done and I didn't know what I should apologize for. But I missed him so bad that I needed to talk to him as soon as possible. Only if I wasn't a coward. The door opened and I looked to see it was my boss.

"You can go home tonight" I nodded.

"Thank you" I then grabbed my stuff and got outside where the car was waiting for me. Lately I was using mom's car a lot because she was most times at home so I got in front of my house really quick and stopped to smoke a cigarette. Once I got inside I saw my asshole dad was there so I left my bag on the kitchen table where he was eating and went to pour myself a glass of juice.

"Don't you have homework to do?" he asked and I rolled my eyes.

"Don't you have other places to be?" I replied and he got up, preparing himself to talk about how rude I was. "I am too tired for these games. G'night" I went to say hi to mom and then headed for the shower where I smoked another one and then prepared my clothes for tomorrow before falling asleep. When the alarm went off I groaned but didn't complain on my way to shower and then on my way to school. The first period was math but the next was philosophy and I knew Marco was going to be there because he was trying to earn extra points from there.

At math my heart was crying because all of those weird things I couldn't understand and I was super-nervous about the next one. Usually, we were desk-mates and I sat down in my usual place and began talking to Connie on the other side until the teacher arrived. It was unusual for him to be late and when the door finally opened and he came in I barely contained myself from getting up. He tried to hide it but it was visible as fuck, he had a black eye. I was sure that was not the only thing and once he saw me he looked away before apologizing to the teacher and passing by me and going to sit at the same desk with Nate. I looked back at him and he looked down avoiding me all the time, until the bell ring and he got up at inhuman speed to get out of the class. Too bad for him I was almost as fast and grabbed his arm on the hall.

"Marco" I said and he tried to liberate himself from me. "Let's talk" I asked and grabbed his arm again. "Please"

"We have nothing to talk about, Jean" His voice was hoarse and almost uncharacteristic. I began to panic because he was so unwell and my grip tightened.

"It's not about us anymore, I am worried for you. Please, let's talk for five minutes" I said, leaving aside my pride. He sighed but then followed me outside, in the backyard where we found a more private place, near the building where no one could hear what we were talking about. I couldn't believe he had a black eye and up-close it was even worse, his skin was swollen and some he had destroyed veins in the cheekbone aria.

"So?" I hated how easy he was taking things.

"Marco, who did this to you?" He looked at me like I was asking the impossible and I brought my hand to his face, despite the fact that I was sure he didn't wish for this. "Baby, it's a black eye" I whispered and caressed his jaw. He was reacting to my touch but his eyes didn't change for a moment, remaining the same frozen shade.

"I hit myself, I got drunk and..." he was lying and I thought he knew better than trying to fool me. I grabbed my hair distressed.

"Please" I whispered and he covered his face with both hands before groaning and watching me.

"You have to promise me you won't do anything stupid if I tell you" I nodded, no patience left and he took a big breath. "It's... my dad" I watched him unbelieving what I was hearing and opened my mouth in shock. Okay, I knew he was not the perfect dad and everything but he wasn't violent either, not until now. Why? "Your father told him about us and he hates it, he doesn't want to hear about me being gay"

"You... you've been beaten because of me?" I asked quietly and felt like crying. "Oh my fucking God, fuck!" I snapped. "I'm gonna kill my dad, I'm gonna fucking beat the shit out of him" I groaned and he stopped me.

"No, Jean, you promised!"

"It's a black eye for God's sake! All because he couldn't shut the fuck up" I was seeing red in front of me. "Does your mom know?" He shook his head. How could she let herself be fooled by his transparent lies? I was so frustrated but I couldn't make a scene right there. "What are you going to do?"

"I don't know yet" He sounded desperate so I grabbed his hand again and pulled him in for a hug and ignored his struggles to escape. "Jean, please, I don't want this"

"Forgive me" I whispered and he tried to get away. "Forgive me, Marco, I was so stupid and hurt you even more. I didn't mean that, I never did" My whispers calmed him down a little but I could feel he was not comfortable in that position so I slowly let him go.

"You acted bad" was all that he said and I bit my lip.

"I know that, I am so sorry" I couldn't lose him too, not now, not never and he probably saw the panic because he cupped my head with both hands and pecked my lips gently, a feathery kiss that gave me hope. I grabbed his shirt not to lose him and he smiled at me. "Do you want to skip this class?"

"I can't, I must present a project" I was disappointed but didn't say anything because he's been indulgent enough. "But we can have lunch together if you want, before I go to swimming"

"Yes, please. I'll wait for you, I'm with the car"

"Okay" I was still holding the hem of his shirt.

"Take care" He smiled and agreed before we parted ways and I tried to deal with my business. I couldn't concentrate on anything so I was a major fail all day, thinking only about needing to tell Mrs. Bodt about it, about trying to make up with Marco. The fact that he kissed me was a good thing but that didn't erase what happened and the worst thing was that I couldn't say sorry for something specific. At the end of the program I waited patiently for him in the car and when he finally came I felt unusually nervous. He threw his backpack in the back and climbed up beside me.

"Where are we going?"

"Wherever you want" I said as I pulled the car out of the parking lot and waited for his choice that was KFC. "Okay, let's do that" I smiled and soon we were there, the ride being filled with silence. I was too nervous to say something wrong so I settled with saying nothing at all which was weird because he was my best friend. After we ordered we sat down and began to eat in the same creepy silence. I was watching him eating and I still couldn't believe the way he was looking, his face was disfigured. "About last Friday... I am sorry for acting that way, I should've had more tact" He smiled brightly.

"You think so?" He was not sarcastic in the real way, he was teasing me and I knew it so I grinned back.

"I am seriously sorry"

"Okay" he smiled and I wondered for a moment if he seriously thought of breaking up with me.

"Are we okay?" It was too soon to ask that but it was bugging me and when he nodded I could breathe properly, watching his pretty boy face. "As you could see I gave you the space you needed... because I was a pussy"

"Does that make me hetero?" He asked and we both burst into laughter. Just then I remembered we should've had sex that night and of course everything was destroyed because I was a dumbass. "What?"

"Nothing" I said and felt like my skin was heating. "But I don't know if you would like me if I was a girl" Unlike me, Marco was strictly gay, he couldn't see girls as attractive. He was nice to them and had a friendly attitude but I guess they were freaking him out on a certain level.

"Who knows?" He was too nice to say no straight to my face. By the looks of it we were chill again around each other but the lack of touch was killing me. Even before we got together Marco and I were always touching - holding hands and such things and since we began kissing and making out it was even more difficult. As he was talking I couldn't keep myself from staring at those lips that he was biting from time to time. Kissing Marco opened up my eyes, it was like I've waited all my life to get this done and it was a bit surreal to realize our innocent children kisses turned into heated, passionate ones over the years. "You're staring" His voice brought me back to the present and he chuckled.

"Sorry" We were done so we got up and went to the car, feeling the sexual tension stronger and stronger. "Do you want me to drive you home?" He shook his head so we remained in silence in the car. I was looking forward to the road because I couldn't deal with looking at him without touching and I felt his hand on my arm.

"Jean, look at me" he almost whispered and I turned around, looking confident. His chocolate orbs were searching me with no hesitation and he was gazing with a deep emotion, something that reassured me. He leaned closer. "I love you" I nodded and he pressed his lips on mine, letting me feel his warmth as my hands wrapped around his torso, pulling him slightly closer. We weren't passionately making out, we were kissing as a reminder of what we are and how we feel so minutes later, when he let me go I breathed the answer back and he rested his head on my shoulder. I began to run my fingers through his curls in a calming manner and he whimpered in pleasure.

"I hate that he's hurting you, you have to tell your mother" His body got rigid but he didn't change positions.

"I can't tell her, I don't want fighting, you know how it is" Damn well I knew, after all my parents split up but keeping up like this was no way of living. I slowly rubbed the top of his head and he sighed in pleasure, making me smile. He was just like Dreamy, wanting attention and wanting to be taken care of. "Are your parents home?"

"No, mom is at a friend and dad is with that woman. Do you want to come over?" He nodded shyly and I kissed his forehead.

"Okay, let's go" He slowly got up and I drove home, turning the radio on. We began singing along and soon we were giving a concert to everyone that passed by us while the windows were down. It didn't last long to get home and once we did I unlocked the door and picked the juice to go upstairs to my room with it. Marco knew the house by heart so he didn't hesitate to go to the bathroom and then to jump on the bed, his face down. He looked kind of funny I went closer and slapped his bubble butt, making him jump and chuckle. "Do you wanna to stay here tonight?"

"I want to but ..." I knew his father was going to beat the shit out of him if he found out so I didn't pressure him but he seemed to change his mind and he repeated. "I want to, if you let me" It was brave of him and I wasn't in measure to tell him what to and what not to do so I simply lent him a change of clothes after he informed his mother and then snuggled in bed with him, wrapping an arm around him to feel his warmth. We didn't talk because we were feeling like we just got out of a storm and we were trying to figure it out which way to go so instead we resumed to only touching and breathing. I loved his warm, freckled skin against mine, my hands were always white and cold while his were the exact opposite. "I think we got ourselves in a big mess with this relationship. We rushed it" He breathed and I felt my heartbeats increasing, knowing there was no going back now, not after I tasted his love.

"I wish we were children again" No one was caring that we held hands back then, not even when we kissed, everyone laughed and told us it was cute. Most of my childhood pictures were of me holding Marco's hand in different places so I made an effort and searched under the blanket for it.

"It's not that I don't love you" he continued. I know you do, I love you too. "But it's not right" I hated the thought of not being the right, I hated the idea of him going around with other guys and forgetting me once again. I didn't want anyone else to have him like I had him, I was selfish but it was my right to be. I scooted closer and kissed his cheek. "I want us to go back to being more than friends instead of boyfriends" It was breaking my heart but he was obviously speaking the truth, he was not ready for any of this and I knew I wasn't either, no matter how stubborn I acted. We had too much going on for this too.

"Okay" I agreed. He turned around and let me gaze into his melted chocolate eyes. He slowly pressed his lips against mine, letting me feel their softness and I smiled, even if in reality I wanted to cry out how much it hurt.

"Thank you" I spooned him, still holding his hand and that's how we fell asleep, hours later, in a lovers' embrace even if we were supposed to go back to the beginning. When I woke up I went straight to the bathroom and started the shower, feeling my bones hurt with all these feelings; he was in my bed and I held him all night but he wasn't mine anymore and I couldn't know if he will be again. I wasn't ready to let him go but I didn't want to force him either and it was killing me. I needed a pill right now so that was what I did and soon felt calmer, in perfect time for him to wake up and ask for a shirt. We were going straight to school so I offered him clothes before I drove us in silence towards the main building where I dropped him off. "See you after?" I nodded smiling and he waved back at me before running to catch up with Armin who had almost the same classes. I couldn't remember how the day passed but soon I was at work, looking blankly at a template.

I went in the back and lit a cigarette before checking my phone to see if I had any missed calls. There were a few texts but I didn't bring myself to open them, instead I took the cigarette and pressed the burning end against my knuckle, wondering how it would feel. It burnt but it was somehow pleasurable so I did a few more times before going back to work and then back at home. I had to call Mrs. Bodt and ask her if we could see each other tonight, I knew I was a bastard but I was doing it for his own good so when the woman came I didn't feel ashamed at all.

"Hello, dear! What happened?" I hesitated but threw my cig away and asked her to go inside the little cafe that was right across the road. "You sounded worried on the phone"

"With all due respect Mrs Bodt, haven't you realized there's something wrong with Marco?" She frowned. Obviously no.

"What do you mean?"

"The wounds all over his body" I said cringing at the thought of his black and blue torso and limbs, at his black eye and his painful hisses. She wasn't understanding so I spend the next half an hour making her understand that it wasn't a coincidence and it wasn't a game anymore. As much as he could hate me after this, at least I knew he was safe and that was enough for me. When I finished explaining she was crying, barely breathing and trying to keep the control over her deranged make-up. "Mrs Bodt, Marco doesn't know I am here but he will figure it out so please take some measures, take care of him"

"Oh my goodness, Jean, I can't understand how I didn't see.." she began to excuse herself and I smiled sadly.

"It doesn't matter anymore, all that matters is him being safe" She nodded and wiped her nose with a napkin.

"Thank you, dear, you're a good friend" He sure wasn't going to think that but I was ready to risk it, after all I had nothing left to lose, maybe his company but it was worth it if I knew that bastard wasn't going to touch him again. "The thing is our relationship, my husband's and mine, doesn't exist anymore" She began talking because she felt like I was family so I waited for her to finish and then told her to be happy, no matter the cost. She simply smiled and ruffled my hair, telling me how mature I've got. She was a wonderful woman, really, so I appreciated her comments and we spent some more time before she drove me home where I went straight to Dreamy that was playing on my bed.

"Hi, buddy" I said and rubbed between his ears. "You're glad to see me?" He mewed so I smiled and went to get a meat-can from downstairs and put it in his bowl. After he finished he jumped on the bed and cuddled on my chest, allowing me to put a playlist on and pet him until the middle of the night when I finally fell asleep. My days turned grey without Marco and by the way he was acting, he knew what I've done. It's been five days when he finally sat by me at the lunch and threw me a mad look.

"I hope you're happy, you've destroyed my family" he said simply and I breathed in, knowing I deserved it. "They're filling a divorce paper and we're gonna move out" I just kept chewing on my sandwich because he didn't need to hear me right then. "I feel so sad and relieved at the same time" he said in a low tone and I felt my heart growing lighter. "I can't talk to anyone else about it"

"'s because we've known each other for so long" I replied and he nodded. He was big enough so he could choose where he wanted to stay and with whom, which was pretty clear to all of us. I peeked to see his eye was better and he caught me watching him so he half-smiled, making me nervous.

"I don't like that you've gone behind my back" Of course he didn't but I did the best and I was going to accept the consequences.

"I am not sorry, if that's what you want to hear, I got rid of him, those were my intentions" He watched me intently and then got up, ready to go. "Marco?" I called after him and he stopped, turning around. "We're not longer together, are we?" He smiled, the emotion not reaching his eyes.

"I don't think so" It hurt to hear that but it was better than living in denial so I avoided his eyes and looked downwards, continuing my lunch. I was feeling sick in the stomach so I abandoned my desert and went to the bathroom where I took a pill and headed for the next class that flew away. In fact, all the week flew without any event and I found myself Saturday night at a party held by some chick from the highschool. Everyone there knew me so I had with whom to talk and as high as I was I wanted to talk to everyone. Angela, the girl from my French and History class was there too so I offered her a beer and smiled cheerfully at her.

"You look awesome, Jean!" she smiled. "I love the grey hair and the new pierce"

"Thanks, I work at a tattoo saloon so it's very easy to get these done" I said pointing to my ears and she grinned. "Have you ever wanted one?"

"Yes, maybe I'll let you do them" She was flirting, obviously so I grinned because I was that wasted. I was drunk and drugged so sooner we were in a room upstairs, making out passionately and drinking more and more. "I thought you were gay" I shook my head and plunged my tongue in her mouth, shutting her up so I could imagine kissing Marco. His freckled skin and his smile against my lips, the way he would gently grab my hair or my hands as if he would make sure I will not leave him. But now he's left me so I continued to kiss the girl like the world was ending. Her hands began to search under my shirt and I licked the side of her neck when I heard the door and I got ready to tell whoever to go fuck her/himself but my jaw almost dropped when I saw the person I was just fantasizing about. I pushed the girl at an instant, like a reflex and watched him as he watched me, hatred filling his eyes and after that, his whole face.

"Could you leave us alone?" I asked hurried when I saw he was standing still in the door frame and she watched me outraged.

"Are you seriously asking me to leave?" she gasped and I got angry, turning my head to her.

"Yes, get the fuck out!" I was feeling sick because he saw me that way and thank God she got out immediately, cussing behind because I would have gone mad. Just when she got in the hall he turned on his heels and I sprinted from my place, tripping and falling on my knees just to get up again and grab his arm. He let me pull him back but didn't look at me, he simply stood there. It was dead silent when I heard something and realized it was a snicker, an ironic one that got me shivers.

"You know, I came here thinking about talking to you and figure things out and I really did. I found out what I've done, I screwed our relationship"

"What do you mean?" I asked, still feeling horrible for hearing him saying such words.

"You've been my best friend for all my life and it ended with a three-weeks relationship; I can't even look at you" His voice was small and I felt him slowly liberating himself from me, urging me to try to hold him tighter. "I've been terrible these days, I couldn't eat or sleep and you're making out with someone else, maybe even having sex."

"No, Marco! I would never" I said, feeling like I could vomit. "Look at me" I asked and he ignored me.

"I wish I had never met you" This was breaking my heart.

"Don't say that" He turned around and then covered his face with both his hands. I grabbed his wrist to see his face but he didn't let me. I knew he was crying and something reminded me of a little 5-years old who was crying so I wanted to do anything possible to stop him. "She meant nothing to me, I love you" Sobs grew faster and I wrapped my arms around him, pulling his tall frame closer. "Marco, please don't cry"

"I-I've loved you all m-my life" He sobbed and I wanted to say it's been the same for me but he didn't let me. "But the l-love doesn't" he took a big breath "Doesn't keep up with t-the pain" I didn't want to hear that so I refused to listen and held him tighter, feeling his salty tears wetting the shoulder he's been resting on. He couldn't be serious, he was closer to me than a brother, he's been with me through everything so I found it hard to believe he would throw everything away. When Marco was crying, he always ended up exhausted so by the time he calmed down so he was breathing hard.

"It's okay, now" I whispered in his ear and went to lock the door before taking his hand and taking him to the bed. He didn't sit down.

"D-did you fuck her here?" he asked, looking grossed out at the bed and I sighed.

"Of course no, I haven't fucked anyone" I said, surprised by his attitude and he slowly sat down.

"I don't want to be here" he said and laid on the bed, in contrary of his sayings. "But I can't hate you" He closed his eyes and I took his legs to place them on the bed, just to crawl on it myself and look him in the eye. I couldn't believe he was there so I took his hand in mine, holding it tightly.

"I love you" I said, caressing his cheek with my free hand, like my words could stop his pain. "You look like a mess, baby" I said, absorbing the look on his pretty face. He had dark circles but his face was healed and there was no sign of that ugly black eye. "How are you?"

"Terrible" he whispered and I crawled closer so now I could bury his face in my neck. He took a big breath, probably taking in my cologne and then began to talk about his home that was now a mess. His father tried to beat his mother at first but he got in between and was kicked a few times before taking his mother to another place until the papers were filled. They weren't going to see each other soon and now they were staying at a hotel because his father was staying at home.

"That is horrible" He nodded and closed his eyes, shyly grasping my shirt with his hand. "But you're gonna make it, your mother is a strong woman and I know you will support each other" I was running my fingers through his hair, his soft and curly hair and he seemed to like it because he was a lot more relaxed.

"The hotel is terrible, I hate it"

"You can come to my place if you want to, I am sure my mom will be fine with that, dad is moving out this weekend"

"I can't leave my mother" He whispered and I rubbed the nape of his neck.

"We will see about it, we will be fine" We kept going like this until later that night, until the sun almost got up and we were both sleepy, still holding hands when I found myself smiling. "Hey, Marco?" He was almost asleep but he looked up at me, curious. "Do you remember that Halloween when you dressed as a man-eating flower?" He sketched a smile too and answered with a soft yes.


	11. You and the things you do

I was woken up by someone knocking on the door insistently and I realized I was held tightly in someone's arms. No, they were not just someone's, they were Jean's arms and he was sleeping soundly beside me so I got up, feeling my head pounding and saw it was someone else's room which made me try to remember what happened last night. I remembered being very angry and having mixed feelings about everything so I cursed myself for being weak and ending up in bed with the person I tried to make understand how I felt. It was clear he wasn't going to take my feelings in consideration if I always jumped in bed with him but on the other side I craved for his affection. Images of him kissing that girl began to flow in front of my eyes and I sunk into melancholy, looking at his beautiful face. If people were calling me "cute", Jean was reeking of sex so it was almost impossible to ignore him and I took a moment to examine his perfectly linear nose and his ruffled hair that was once again grey. I hated that color but even like that, he was beautiful. I grabbed his shoulder gently and began to shake him.

"Jean, we must leave. Jean, wake up" I called softly and he mumbled a few times before opening his eyes. They were a greenish-hazel this morning and he watched me a little confused before he got up. The person was still knocking so he got up and ruffled his hair in a certain direction before we unlocked the door, letting the poor host inside her own room. We didn't speak because whenever he had little sleep he was not very communicative and I wasn't going to take initiative. As soon as we got out he lit a cigarette and we began to walk in silence, feeling a weird pressure in the air. He tossed the cigarette butt aside and then tried to get a hold of my hand but I shove it down the pocket of my jeans, making him drop his down his body.

"I'll walk you to your hotel" I must've told him last night at what hotel I was staying.

"There's no need" He stared at me, a little hurt, as he woke up with each step but he didn't say anything. We parted at the first bus station, with a simple wave of the hand and I was near the hotel when my phone rang and I answered it. It was mom.

"Hi, dear, could you buy some chocolate when you come back?"

"Sure" I said and entered the closest supermarket where I grabbed three Milkas, knowing it was better to have more flavors so she could pick one that she liked. I was looking like I was having a hangover but it was not because of the single beer I had the other day, it was because of all the messed up thoughts and feelings and when I got in the room my mother saw it because she came to hug me.

"Good morning, dear! You look tired" I was tired and my body was very stiff, because of the stranger's bed. "Have you found Jean?" That was the reason why I went to the party so I couldn't hide the truth.

"I did, he was making out with a girl" She gaped her mouth opened and I smiled, taking off my shirt so I could put another one on. I took some chocolate too and in my trying to look focused and not bothered she read through me and came to hug me tightly. I was feeling like a little child and that made the feeling heavier so I found myself on the edge of sobbing. "I don't want to see him anymore"

"Don't say that, I know you don't mean it" she whispered and grasped me tighter. "You love Jean and I don't necessarily mean in the romantic way because that's not the only type of love. You must figure things out, he doesn't want to hurt you" The thing that hurt me the most was that I was just a phase for him, it was clear he wasn't gay if he went back to kissing a girl so easily, it was just a thing he made so he could keep me away from Nate and any other possible date. Thinking of Nate made things harder because it was clear the difference between the two of them, one was trying his best while the other one took everything for granted.

"But he does and I am the fool that keeps going back to him" I was mad at myself so after a short conversation I went to have a shower and when I came back I figured it out by the look that she was thinking about something serious.

"You know, some papers came in this morning from the tribunal and it seems your father is getting the house" That was worse than I thought so I sat down and stared at her. "And he was asking if you wanted to stay with him so I took the liberty to say no, I hope you're not mad..." Of course I wouldn't have chosen him over anyone so I went closer to her and hugged her, sad to see her teary eyes.

"Of course I want to stay with you" I whispered and kissed her cheek. "I love you" She smiled and said it back. I had swimming today so I focused on that, trying to keep my mind away from Jean and last night. I wasn't really into talking to my swimming mates because most of them were shallow beings but today I chit-chatted a little, aware that I would go crazy all by myself. I got a perfect score and after a shower I headed back home where I stood by myself, waiting for mom to come back. The room where we were staying was not small but it wasn't a house either. It had two separate beds, a coffee table with two armchairs, a tv, a mini-fridge, drawers and a few shelves where I placed some book I haven't read yet or that were my favorites. The only thing positive about living in a hotel was room service but that wasn't often because we were trying to figure it out what to do next, we couldn't keep staying there forever. I was reading a novel when mom came in and began to undress her jacket.

"Hello, have you ordered something?" She asked and I nodded because it was almost dinner time.

"Pizza"

"Hm, sounds lovely, how was swimming?" After a brief description of everything she took a shower and then told me we had to talk which could only mean trouble. Not that I wasn't used to talking to her, but when she put it that way it was clear it was something more than casualties. "We are short on money, Marco" I already knew that, it was obvious. "And I took in consideration moving back with your grandma" I opened my mouth shocked. My grandma was living in another state. "But I think this situation is enough of a bother, you're going through hard times and I don't want to push you even further, I don't want you to change schools and lose friends" My mother was a psychologist, she was especially interested in kids so I guess it was normal for her to know what to do best when it came to my state of mind. "Cynthia called me; it seems that Jean told her that we've been kicked out and she offered to host us. I am thinking of saying yes" She couldn't be serios, living with Jean was the last thing that I needed now. "I am doing it for your well-being, a room doesn't compare to an entire house" What she meant was that we could cook and we had a bathroom of our own and all necessities. It was harder for her than it was for me so I dumbly nodded.

"Okay" She smiled and hugged me.

"Thank you, baby, you will see it will be better" We were to move later this evening because there was no use of staying another night. We didn't have lots of things so we called a cab and went to Jean's where the two of them were waiting for us, Jean ready to pick some bags and put them in the livingroom. We exchanged some short glances before our mothers began to talk and we all moved to the kitchen. It was not weird because our mothers knew each other from college and our parents always have been friends so I listened to them talk for a while, until Mrs. Kirschtein turned to me and smiled.

"Your mother will take the guest room, if you want you can stay there too."

"I will stay on the couch if that's alright" I suggested and she smiled, a little crisped.

"Jean's bed is a double" She said and I grimaced. No way in hell.

"The couch is more than fine" He half-snorted and went to the fridge to get some juice to pour in glasses. He offered me one too and the two of us sat in silence while my mother explained everything about the divorce and about how we weren't going to stay here for long, only until we would find a good place to buy. It was our last year of highschool and the exams were coming up but my father obviously wasn't giving a fuck so I had no other choice but to endure it. I was tired and I answered only when I was asked, the night fell easily and I was brought a pillow and a blanket by Jean. As he was carrying the stuff behind him came the kitten he rescued a while ago that was a lot more chubbier and that jumped right on my lap. I petted him behind his ears and he began to purr, making himself comfortable on my pants. He had a blue collar now.

"He likes you" Jean concluded and petted the back of the cat. He sat beside me and I realised it was the first time we've been alone since I "moved in". "He might sleep here if you let him" he added and rubbed his little paws. I didn't know what to say so I simply sat in silence. "Are you mad at me?"

"No" I took a big breath. "But you shouldn't have told your mother"

"I want to help you" This got me a little annoyed.

"You're trying too much" I snapped and he got up. He threw me a sad look and then brought me the tv remote control, getting ready to leave. "You're not gay, Jean" It was a conclusion and it stopped his motion. When he turned around, I could see he was angry.

"Don't tell me what I am or what I am not. Good night"

"Good night" Dreamy ended up sleeping with me indeed and as I couldn't help but turn on one side and another, I enjoyed having him close. I knew everyone was upstairs, I knew Jean was sleeping just a few feet away from me, without a worry and it made me want to throw up. It was near morning when I heard steps and I forced my eyes closed, trying to ignore whoever it was. By the hurried steps, it was Jean and that made me froze, especially when I felt him shifting close to me. Suddenly, something was pressing against my stomach and it took me a little to see it was his head, resting against it while his body was on the floor. I wanted to cry but I couldn't because I would have woken him up and I knew that could only lead to certain things, even if it's been forever since we last kissed. It made me anxious not to know how to act and what to feel but he was there and he was real. My hand found his soft hair and he gasped, audibly.

"Are you awake?" his voice was quiet.

"Yes" No word followed but he wrapped an arm around me, in the same position. We stood like that until my alarm rang and he got up, heading for his room so our mothers wouldn't find us like that. I went shortly to take a shower and change my clothes and climbed down the stairs and sat at the table where everyone was already.

"Coffee, Marco?" Cynthia asked and I smiled but Jean answered in my place.

"He drinks tea in the morning" He then got up and put some water to boil. "I'll make some" I was feeling a little ridiculed but I didn't say anything because I didn't want to upset anyone. He poured it in a cup of tea with Snoopy and I drank from it, tasting the sweet substance while he sat down and drank his coffee. While our mothers began to talk I announced I had swimming after classes and I was going to be home after 4. Jean drove both of us to school and the road was at least awkward but I endured it and when I saw the yard I opened the car door but he spoke. "Marco" I turned around and stared into his hazel eyes. "I hate not talking to you"

"I need time" My voice was hoarse and I wasn't sounding convincing. His hand took hold of mine and I felt like melting under his cold touch, especially when he tightened his hold. He came closer and brought the other hand up to my face, caressing my cheekbone gently. "I need to go" He furrowed his eyebrows and let go of my hand when I hurried towards the first class which I entered with a raging heart. The day went smoothly and I was soon at the pool where I began training for the next competition. At the end of the program, when I picked my towel from the end of the pool I saw Jean was in the tribunes and waved at him, making him answer the same. He came to pick me up so after I changed myself we met outside and went to the car.

"Wanna eat out or order pizza? The moms are not home" he said as he drove out of the street and I chuckled, making the mood lighter.

"The moms" I repeated and he burst into laughter. "Sounds like a horror movie"

"Or like an offer. Buy one mom and you get another one for free" His voice was like those from advertisements so it made it even funnier. I don't know why but seeing him interested in me swimming made me feel a lot better and now I could talk properly to him. "So?"

"Let's go and buy some Pizza from Pizza Hut" I was not a big fan of Pizza Hut but it was close and we could have just picked it up right there so it was a perfect choice. He accepted and drove to the big building where we knew we could find the pizza place at the second floor. It was very crowded and the stairs were horribly filled so I suggested we should take the elevator and Jean watched me like I was on drugs. "I can handle two floors" Jean found out I was claustrophobic when we were 9 and he locked me in a closet as a joke. I cried for more than two hours after I was released and he promised me he would never make that kind of joke again.

"I don't think it's a good idea" I sighed.

"It's only two floors, we will get there and leave as soon as possible" I pressed the elevator's button and when the door opened I took a big breath and tried not to tense that much. He probably saw where this was going because he took my hand in his and this time I didn't refuse, feeling the need of comfort. Another two random girls came inside and I pressed the "2" button, closing my eyes and taking small breaths, trying to control my anxiety.

"Focus on the pepperoni" I smiled, still shaking and felt sick in the stomach. And then it stopped. I opened my eyes and the real panic began, seeing we were stuck between the first and the second floor and the lights closed. Sweat began to run down my neck and back and I rested my body against the metal wall.

"No, this is not happening, no" I repeated, choking with each word. "No" The girls pressed the emergency button but there was no ring and I closed my eyes, trying not to vomit. I was on the verge of crying when I felt a familiar hand grasping my wrist and pulling me into familiar arms. Everything was getting smaller and smaller and I felt his breath on my ear.

"It's gonna be alright, we're going to be out of here in no time at all, they're coming for us" he whispered but I shook my head, sobbing.

"I can't breathe"

"Try to, Marco." We somehow ended up in the corner of the little elevator, on the floor and he was trying to calm me down.

"I'm gonna faint" I whispered, still crying.

"It's okay" He turned to the girls. "Press the emergencies button again, he's having a claustrophobic attack." he said calmly, even if I knew he was far from it and then began to rub my curls. "We're gonna be out soon, I promise" I blacked out and came back to senses when I stepped out of the elevator and some guys came to apologize for the inconvenience but I was still shaking badly so Jean pulled me through the crowd that formed there, towards some couches where I sat down. "Fuck" he murmured and I hid my face in my hands. "I'll buy you some water" When he left I felt even more anxious but once I got the bottle I sipped from it, slowly, trying to cease my crying.

"T-thank you" I whispered and he offered me some tissues from his pocket, letting me wipe my face with them. People were staring. "I a-am s-sorry"

"You have nothing to be sorry about but you're never taking an elevator again, hear me?" I nodded and he waited patiently until I got a hold of myself before we got up and headed for the Pizza Hut where we ordered four pizzas and waited for them in silence. "Are you alright now?" I nodded.

"I'm sorry" I repeated and he sighed.

"Never say sorry for that, you can't help it" His hand found mine again and I welcomed it as we were waiting to take our order. I was feeling ashamed and weird because most people could ride an elevator without all those things happening to them, most people could simply go with the crowd while I felt needles all over my body. When the cashier called the name Kirschtein, Jean let my hand go and went to pick the boxes so I looked down at my fingers, feeling something missing. He smiled at me as we climbed down the stairs and I smiled back, a little shyly, without saying anything.

In the car, he left food on the back and turned on the engine, letting the windows down, probably to give me some air. He turned on the radio and began to sing along to Lou Reed until the song ended and I rested my head against the window, still doing my best to calm down. When we arrived I took the boxes and got inside the house, ready to let them on the counter in the kitchen. Jean took back two of them and went to the livingroom where I followed him, willingly.

"This is yours" he said and offered me my order. "Are you going vegetarian?"

"No, I just like lots of cheese on my pizza" I said and took a bite from it. "Do you want some?" He shook his head while he ate his corn-filled piece. "When will the moms be home?" He looked at the clock.

"It will take at least one more hour." He turned on the TV and we ended up watching America's got talent, sitting on the couch. I don't know how but I ended up with Jean's head on my chest while the boxes were on the floor and I was struggling to drink a little water. I ran my fingers through his hair and I swear he almost purred like a cat. "I have an essay to do until tomorrow at noon" he yawned and I chuckled.

"You're totally trying to get me do it" I said and he smiled.

"Nah, I won't do it at all" I was the mother-type of friend so I threw him a dirty look which he ignored, closing his eyes and sighing. We continued like that for a while until the front door opened and he got so alarmed that he jumped up and fell on the floor, making me burst into laughter. "Hi" he greeted my mom and she watched us, curious.

"Hi, guys! I'm glad to see you're getting along, do I smell pizza?"

"In the kitchen" I said and she hurried there, leaving Jean with the horrified expressions. "I'll go and have a shower" I announced and got up, heading for his bathroom, taking some clothes with me. The feeling was nice and I don't know why but I felt a lot better once I got up and dressed in nice-smelling things I used as pajamas. Jean was playing video-games in his room so when he left for the shower I took his place and ended up beating everyone's ass and even making a score record. "In your face!" I shouted at the screen and I heard a familiar chuckle so I turned and found a sexy and wet Jean Kirschtein which made my mouth go dry. The t-shirt was stuck on his broad shoulders and his hair was wild, giving him a certain aura.

"You look like you're having fun" I nodded and he sat down on the bed, laying down in a comfortable position, letting his feet brush my side. I continued playing until I heard a soft snoring coming from behind me so I slowly turned off the console and saw he was really sleeping. I should've gone downstairs where it was the place I chose but seeing him this peaceful and vulnerable made me wanna stay so I picked the blanket and climbed on the double-bed, covering both of us with it and checking to see the alarm was set. He shifted so now he was facing me, which made my heart swell, I hated when he was facing any other way, it didn't matter if he was asleep or not. I searched for his hand under the blanket and when I found it I leaned to kiss his lips gently before he scooted closer unconsciously. He was going through hard times too, I tended to forget that. I fell asleep a lot easier that night and I was woken up by someone holding my nose which made me jump and I heard a chuckle.

"Good morning, Freckles" Jean said and placed a cup of tea on the nightstand so he could shove a tray with some roasted eggs and toast. "It's a little burnt but you can toss those parts aside" I looked at him wondering if... "I made it" He was almost-blushing cutely so I placed an entire piece of roasted bread in my mouth, trying not to gag. Damn, it was terrible. I smiled and slowly chewed on it, showing him my thumbs up.

"Thank you, it's very good" I almost choked so I took the tea and drank from it; at least that part tasted awesome, with lots of sugar.

"Let's skip classes today" he yawned and ruffled his hair.

"And what to do?" I asked, taking another bite of that mortal and not edible food. I was focusing on not dying because of it.

"Whatever you want, we can go and buy groceries, go watch a movie, whatever you want" He yawned again and he smiled, sitting on the edge of the bed. He took a piece of toast himself and when he bit it, he spit it on the ground, making me laugh my head off. "Jesus Christ, this is awful" he moaned and then took the one I was holding. "Stop fucking eating it, I don't want you to die"

"I guess it's pizza this morning too" I said and he continued to clean his mouth.

"Goddamn it" He rolled on his front and rested his head on his hands. "Did you really believe I wouldn't notice you kissing me last night?" My heart sunk and I hesitated.

"I thought you were asleep" I whispered, lowering my eyes and he grinned like the Chesshire cat.

"I wasn't" His long eyelashes batted. "Do it again" I stared at him as he shamelessly leaned towards me and my heart began to beat faster, as I was slowly moving closer. I still haven't washed my teeth so it had to be a brief kiss so I pressed my lips against his shortly, feeling the smile behind it. It was much like our kindergarten kisses. When I retreated he licked my cheek shortly which made both of us chuckled.

"What the fuck?"

"Still trying to lose that damned taste. I can't believe you told me it was good. It shocks me how easily you can lie to me" I pouted.

"So I wouldn't hurt your feelings" I smiled and he wrinkled his face.

"That's so you it hurts" We ended up going to a movie that evening and we did hold hands and eat popcorn and laugh, which was weird because lately I lived so much drama that it was bugging me whenever I smiled. We already arrived back when he leaned to kiss me, properly this time, making me melt against the seat where I was placed and mix with the car's leather. His tongue slowly brushed mine and this was no longer innocent, it was the epitome of need and desire; his hands were holding my shoulders like he wanted to make sure I had no place to run to. When we parted he rested his head on my shoulder and we both took deep breaths. "Thanks for spending your day with me" His voice was husky and I brushed his hair gently, assuring him it was more than fine.

"Let's go inside, they know we're here" He nodded but stood in place for a few more minutes before we entered the house like nothing happened. We knew it was better like this because otherwise they wouldn't allow us to sleep together. Once we got in, we found them chatting on the couch and after we told them all about our day my mother dropped it.

"I came downstairs to drink some water last night and you weren't here" My palms were sweating hard so my mind began searching for an excuse.

"I was probably at the bathroom" She furrowed her brows, a little concerned.

"Can't you sleep at night? Maybe you should drink some mint tea" She had no idea just how good I have slept last night and she wasn't going to find out either, because I wasn't ready for anyone to find out. In fact, I wasn't sure what I had to tell either, I was a little confused but somehow enjoyed the state where we were at this point. I sent him a message telling him I was going to sleep on the couch tonight and he nodded, subtle so the others wouldn't see. Soon we went to bed (well, to couch in my case) and I spent two hours staring at the ceiling until I decided that I could go upstairs and see what Jean was doing. It was almost 2:30 when I got inside without knocking on the door so no one would hear me and I stopped in tracks because Jean Kirschtein was having headphones on and a hand in his boxers while he was intently watching the screen of his laptop. That was not all, the hand was moving and I closed the door behind me, trying not to laugh because he still hasn't observed me. I was curious what he was watching but when I took one more step his hand miraculously retreated from that area and he got up, startled.

"What the fuck?" He whisper-shouted and I covered my mouth with a hand, trying to muffle my laughter.

"I can give you some privacy if you want" I teased and he showed me the middle finger while putting his boxers properly with the free hand. I was seriously curious so I almost jumped on the bed and checked out the site on which he was on. It was a porn one, duh, but it was not a heterosexual scene, it was between two young guys so I played it for a moment before pausing it and looking at his red face. "Interesting"

"Shut up" he moaned and closed the browser before I could stop him. "It's not like you never jerked off so shut up" I was curious about one thing, though.

"So what were you thinking about?" He watched me with eyes that said what-the-fuck-I-was-just-watching-this-shit so I burst into laughter. "I mean were you imagining giving or receiving?" He opened his mouth and after a few moments the sounds came out.

"Giving" That made me rise my brows because usually I was concentrating on the receiving but it was too early for any of those so I slipped my hand under the blanket to feel the obvious bulge that twitched under my touch. "Don't do that" he groaned and I smiled.

"Why not?"

"I don't want to be teased" he whimpered as I ran my fingers in that area, making him jolt. I could feel the beginning of his pubic hair around the elastic of his boxers so I dipped my hand under it, to feel his warm flesh that was hard. I wanted to give him a blowjob and it was my first but in the state that he was I was sure he will not feel the lack of skills.

"Do you want me to suck you?" I asked and he gasped, nodding and panting at the same time. I hooked his light caramel boxers with both hands and pulled them down, revealing a nice length and some impressive butt cheeks. His tip was already slick and he kept flooding pre-cum which made me lick my lips and lean to tentatively lick it. He hissed between teeth and I fondled his balls gently, feeling him buckle under me and making me smile around him. I licked the slit and then rubbed the base gently with my hand, enjoying the low groans.

"Marco, fuck" he whispered and I took more of him in my mouth, enjoying his salty taste. He had a shower, it was clear and he was tasting like any other part of his body but softer. "Right there, baby" he cradled my face and pushed me gently so I could take more and I felt tears in my eyes because I was feeling overwhelmed. "Shit, I'mma co-o-me" he whined and just when he was in the middle of cumming the door opened and he pushed me off the bed, so I was in between the bed and the wall but on the ground and whoever came in couldn't see me. I was wondering if he got the chance to cover himself but I was too taken with his semen that was in my mouth and on my face. He was probably very frustrated because he came a lot and in the motion of pushing me, he got some on my cheek and near my eye. It was his mother.

"Sorry, Jean, you're still up?" Sure, he's been up up up until now.

"Yes, I'm gonna go to sleep soon" he said hoarsely and coughed to regain his voice.

"Can I use the bathroom here?"

"Sure" he said and I waited until the door closed so I could shift. I wiped the cum with the back of my hand and none of us got a sound out until she exited the room. Even after she left we waited a few moments until he crawled on the side where I was and burst into laughter. "Fuck! Seeing that sure would have made things complicated"

"You think?" I asked ironically and we both chuckled. "I couldn't have explained that" I climbed on the bed and watching him, waiting for him to realize I wanted attention. He got a hang of the idea pretty soon and made some space for me to cuddle close to him, letting my head rest on his shoulder, very close to his neck. "Can you imagine the talk with two moms?" He chuckled and I could feel his whole body vibrating.

"Well, we can't exactly get pregnant"

"Yea but they will find something obnoxious to tell us about. Like STDs" I wrinkled my nose and we laughed again. "Kiss me" I said, my heart beating wildly and he smiled down at me.

"Do you want me to kiss you?" I nodded and closed my eyes, feeling the movements around me. He got up, and slowly pressed his lips against mine, making sure to brush them with greatest care on mine. It was a loving kiss, not a sexual one so I grasped his shoulder, making it last for a while, until I opened my eyes and saw he was smiling. "You are so cute" He nuzzled my nose with his. "I really think that, you're the prettiest boy I know" He used to tell me that a lot when we were in middle school and people would bully me for my "disgusting" freckles and I didn't know if he was serious or he was just telling it to make me feel better. Between the two of us it was clear who was "sexy", not that I minded because he was mine to stare at.

"You're handsome" he began to pose like a model so I laughed and slapped his shoulder playfully. "I mean it"

"I mean it too" He sat down, and wrapped his arms around me, cuddling with his head on my chest.

"Maybe you're pansexual" I said and he stopped, probably because he had no idea what that meant. "Like, you're attracted to people without caring about the gender or the looks"

"I'm not that good of a person" he chuckled dryly and I grinned. "I always liked people for their looks. Well, I think I always liked you too, we go so back in the past that I don't think I knew what love meant then and I always thought we were going to stay in between and you're always going to stay with me but then you began to date Nate and I got jealous as fuck. It's like seeing you with him pushed a button, y'know?" I nodded and he stared at me. "Just because I just realized it doesn't mean I haven't always had it in me."

"But this is a gay relationship, it's a lot different than a hetero one"

"Why?" I sighed.

"Because people will see you as abnormal and they will bully you and you can't have children and you will always have people staring weirdly at you" He got up with an annoyed look.

"Then let them fucking stare, I don't give a shit" In this matter he was a lot different than me. If I was always concerned about not bothering other people, Jean was the total opposite, probably the main reason why he wasn't a social butterfly. He was grumpy and blunt and most people hated him for that. "And I will make the bullies shut the fuck up. And I don't even like children that much" It took me a while to see he was actually trying to eliminate every point just to show me that we should be together. "I want to take you places and I want to laugh with you, to hold hands, to kiss you" His eyes were shining in the night and I smiled at his beliefs.

"Oh, just wait for the family parties" I said and he burst into laughter.

"Oh my fucking God, I can't wait to tell everyone on my dad's side of family that I have a boyfriend" I raised a brow.

"Do you?" He shrugged and I think a faint blush covered his cheeks but it might've been the dim light.

"I have a best friend but we can change the best with a boy if you want" He grinned cheekily and I chuckled at his ridiculous ways.

"Well I am a boy so that might work" I said and he leaned to kiss my lips again, just like the little kiss before and I welcomed him again in that comfortable position. "It's all been a mess until now" He hummed in appreciation and then searched for my hand to hold.


	12. Worship

"68. There are 68 of them" I whispered when he first opened his eyes and he rubbed his face confused, turning his back to me. "68 freckles on your face" I added and went closer to hug his body and bury my face in his shirt, amused by his groans which repeated how crazy I am. I woken up a while ago and as it was Saturday I was lazy and instead of getting up I decided to stare at his face for a while and count those cute points on his skin. He turned his face over his shoulder and I kissed his lips chastely, making him turn around for good and climb on top of me. He was easy to sustain so I rubbed his shoulders gently, encouraging him to sit on my body. My morning erection was killing me.

"Oh my God" he whispered and rubbed his own erection against mine, closing his eyes and throwing his upper body behind, making it seem like he was riding me. "Oh" he gasped surprised and a few moments later fell on me, as we were both coming back from our heights. I caressed his hair and he kissed my neck.

"There are certainly a lot of pros of sleeping in the same bed" I said and he chuckled, his voice a little hoarse. The attraction was obviously there and the hormones raging were not helping our relationship to be slowly developing in that direction. It was not a problem, as we knew each other for ages, it was not like we met when we started dating, we've been close ever since we were running around in diapers. We even took baths together when we were in kindergarten and middle school so it was not a problem, the gape appeared only as we got closer to high school. My hand rubbed his skinny back and then got under his shirt, caressing his warm spine and feeling him shiver.

"My boxers are a mess" he whined and I chuckled.

"You can borrow a pair of mine if you want" I suggested and he pressed his cheek against my chest, looking at me with an eye.

"I want to eat brunch out" He said, in the same hoarse voice and I continued to touch him gently. "Do you want to?" He was worried so I smiled down at him, lowering my face so I could kiss his forehead. I don't know what was about him but he brought my affectionate side to the surface, it made me do things I've never done before. I was not necessarily a great kisser before but now I would have spent all my day kissing him.

"If you get off me, sure" I teased and he rolled on the mattress, letting me get up and head for the drawers where I picked a pair of boxers and threw it on the bed. "I'll have a shower" I said and he muffled something in the pillow as I walked to the bathroom. It was a quick shower, I washed my hair too, watching the grey dripping on the shower's floor. I knew it couldn't go back to the natural color in such a short time but it's been a week and it was slowly washing off, much to my liking because someone was complaining daily about it. I already had weird hair, two colored but I was no longer bothered by the comments. I dried myself and then got back in the bedroom that was empty so I dropped my towels and dressed in a pair of boxers, jeans and a simple grey shirt. I could hear the other shower so it was clear where Marco was and what he was doing; I combed my hair and then picked my wallet, wondering where he wanted to go. We ended up going to a nice bistro in the neighbourhood where we chose a table next to the window and took the menus to order the food. We had a nice time, with lots of laughs and funny moments and after we paid we headed back home, walking while holding hands.

"The moms will be home around noon today" He told me and I pouted, not satisfied with this.

"I would have liked more alone time" I grumbled and he chuckled. "Come sleep in my room tonight too"

He was no longer that reluctant when it came to spending the nights together, seeing that I was not willing to jump him without any warning. We were casually chatting when a loud shout was heard from behind us.

"Fucking faggots!" I froze for a second but then put my sunglasses back on and turned around, letting go of Marco's hand. It was a street-styled guy with a black hat on and when he saw I was reacting he stopped in tracks. I wasn't a frail guy, I was rather solid so he probably got scared by my angry appearance.

"Come again?" he kept staring at me. "Say that to my face" My tone was very calm but you could hear the ice in it.

"It's not worth it, Jean" Marco said, grabbing my hand again to pull it gently and when I looked at him the guy flew, in between blocks.

"Asshole" I muttered and then took hold of Marco's hand again, continuing our walk while I tried to calm down. I swear sometimes I couldn't understand humans and why they were so preoccupied by who other people were dating. We weren't even obscene, we were only holding hands but they were obviously bothered by it. I rolled my eyes and continued the road home, holding tighter onto him. We found the mothers home so we slowly parted, going to speak separately to them. My mother made me a sign to go to the kitchen so I followed her solemnly, still a little pissed with what happened. "It's something wrong?" She wrinkled her face so I knew something bad was going to follow.

"Your father called me and he wants to take you to a family dinner at your grandma's" I raised a brow.

"No way in hell" She seemed agitated so I waited.

"I am sure that if you're not going he'll tell the judge I don't let you so could you please go?" It was fair that she was thinking about the best, we needed peace in the court, I didn't want to end up with him or something so I sighed. "Please, it will be just until later tonight" Fuck. "Helen and I will be gone with our girlfriends to a sleepover" That meant Marco was going to be alone. "Matt is going to be there" Matt was my five-years-old cousin that was adorable so my mood lightened for a second.

"What about Marco?"

"He'll be fine" she added and I sighed again. "Please" I hated to see my mom begging so I simply accepted. "He will be picking you up in a couple of hours" I wanted to protest but she was quicker. "I won't let you drive all the way to Montana" Well, fuck that and their plans but then something hit me.

"Will that woman come?"

"I really don't know" I probably didn't look all that happy when I went back to the others because the room went silent and I sat down on the couch. Marco came closer and gave me a questioning look that made me calm down a little. I explain him what was going to follow and then we went upstairs where I began to change my clothes while swearing.

"I'll come home tonight" I said feeling bad because I was leaving him alone and he turned on my console, choosing Skyrim to play. I sat beside him and wrapped my arms around him, kissing the back of his neck. "Don't be upset"

"I am not, I am worried about how you're gonna act there. I don't want you to start anything" He pouted and I rested my chin on his shoulder, watching the screen with him. "Could you act nice?" I chuckled and he paused the game. "Please"

"Okay, I'll do my best" The next hour was spent playing videogames so when I heard a car parking I got up and saw it was a familiar one so I groaned in pain. I was dressed in a dark blue shirt and black jeans with sneakers so I guess I was alright for a family dinner, especially if that woman was going to be there. I couldn't believe what I was doing so I kissed Marco chastely before running downstairs so I could stop my parents from meeting. "Bye, ma" I yelled and she waved at me just in time because when I opened the door

I found that man there and I rolled my eyes. "Hi"

"Good evening, Jean" he replied and I walked to the car, leaving him behind and checking to see if my cigarettes were in my pocket. "Wait" I stopped and I turned around to watch him sarcastic. "Inside the car is Coleen and I would really appreciate it if you would be nice to her, especially that she is in a condition" Yea, pregnant, well, even I wasn't going to make a pregnant woman lose her temper but that didn't mean I was going to be all nice either because the two of them together were the reason why my life was so messed up lately.

"Whatever" I said and got inside the car, in the backseat, completely ignoring the redhead woman on the passenger seat.

"Hi, Jean, nice to meet you" She said and I ignored her, looking outside. "I'm Coleen"

"Hi" I muttered and looked out the window while my father pulled out of the near road. The silence was awkward until I yawned and cuddled better in my corner and my father just had to ask if I was sleepy. "Yes, I was up late last night with Marco" I realized how that sounded and I chuckled lowly, knowing what he will assume. In reality, we only played videogames until late but he was free to believe what he wanted. I looked in the mirror at his face and he looked real troubled.

"Are you..." he gulped. "Are you guys... doing it?" The woman gasped and I sighed.

"None of your business" I replied still looking outside. It was going to be a long ride.

"Marco?" Coleen asked and then turned to dad. "You never told me Jean's.." I wasn't gay, I didn't know what I was but that was none of their business either. "Are you in a long relationship?" My father answered in my place.

"They know each other since they were 4" Her eyes lit and she gasped, surprised.

"That is so beautiful" Yeah, whatever. It was the time to get my headphones out so I did that, leaving them talk all they want. I left them aside when we arrived and we all got out - the first time I realized just how pregnant she was. She was almost bursting and that gave me shivers but I just knocked on the door, waiting for someone to open up. That someone was my aunt that hugged me tightly right before small steps ran into me and I picked a giggling Matt up, to kiss his cheek.

"Jeaan!" He yelled and giggled again when I made an airplane out of him.

"Hello, Matt" I replied as he was pulling my hand towards somewhere inside and I turned to say hi to my aunt. "Hello!"

"Grandma is waiting for you" Yeeeeey, that woman was really someone I wanted to see, an old bitch with lots of prejudice but also with lots of money. She never liked my mother, not that anyone cared about her opinion and she always reminded me about how I am not acting like a proper young man. She was young when the T-Rex was still around so what the heck did she know? I took Matt's hand and went where the old witch was waiting with a crisped face.

"Hello, dear, come kiss your grandma" Yuck, old-woman smell. I did it trying to act all happy and she began to tell me about how boys shouldn't dye their hair. And what was with the piercings? What was that thing on my arm? Why a heart? I will regret it when I will be older and have children. Yeah, because if I ever had children they will care lots about my tattoos. Whatever.

"Jean, let's go play catch!" Matt yelled, trying to gain my attention and I followed him in the yard where we began playing with a ball. "I like your hair" He smiled and I smiled back, because he was the only person I liked there.

"Thank you, buddy" We played some more until my aunt asked us to go inside and sit at the table. Oh, the fun was only beginning. They had turkey and everyone put everything they wanted in the plate before they began to talk about my father's divorce. They were not necessarily bad-mouthing my mom but the topic made me angry which was probably felt as I was not saying anything at all. It was my father's fault and they were a pack of wolves for blaming my mother who did nothing wrong. I began to stab my salad when I decided to get my phone out cause it buzzed. It was Marco.

 **How're things?**

 **I am close to killing myself or them all -.-**

 **Be a good boy, Jean, your mother is counting on you.** Damn him and his rightness.

 **What're you doin'?**

 **Playing Assasin's Creed, blowing your records.** I would want him to blow something else right now but I tried to ignore the thought because an erection was the last thing I wanted. Things were awkward enough. **This house is very big when you're alone.**

 **You have Dreamy. Please don't forget 2 feed him. Tuna today.**

 **Does he have a nutritionist?** I chuckled and realized everyone was staring at me.

 **Well, excuse me for diversifying the meals of my cat.**

 **You spoil him too much, you're like a doting father.**

 **Because he's so damn cute.** He sent me a picture of Dreamy in his lap and he looked like the usual fluffy him. I wanted to be home, with them, not at a table with people I didn't like but I raised my eyes and saw Matt was smiling at me so I smiled back. **Don't make me come back right away.** I warned and he sent me a laughing emoji.

 **Don't, be nice, smile a lot.** Yeah, right, like that could happen. **See you soon x**

 **What does x mean?**

 **Kiss, dumbass.**

 **Ooooh, xxx then.**

 **That's something else.** I burst into laughter realizing myself and I heard someone talking to me. Grandma.

"So, Jean dear, do you have a girlfriend?" I tried not to snicker and smiled cheerfully at her.

"No, granny, I have a boyfriend" Her face was priceless and I hate my reflexes for not getting the phone out so I could take a picture of the shock. My aunt was the same too. "I am dating Marco" I continued and Matt clapped, happily.

"I like Marcoooo!" He grinned and I went closer to rub his blonde hair.

"I like him too, let's send him a picture of us, do you want to?" I asked and he nodded, enthusiastic. I took a selfie of us smiling and sent it to Marco that replied with "Cute" and then excused myself to go outside and light a cigarette. My nerves were expanding and I was surprised about how well I was acting. I wanted to call my mom but I didn't want to make her nervous too so I resumed to staying by myself and looking at the sky. I was miles away from Marco and mom and that meant miles away from the only people I was caring about. I was thinking about that when someone sat beside me and I jumped, startled because no one knew I was smoking.

"You're smoking?" It was Coleen. I nodded bluntly, not impressed. "Your father probably doesn't know that, does he?"

"He doesn't" She smiled and rubbed her belly.

"I won't tell him, then" It was almost pitiful how she tried to get on my good side but I didn't say that, I just lit another one and my phone buzzed again, probably Marco. The screen lit and it showed a picture of Dreamy sleeping in my bed. "Is that your cat?" I nodded. "Is a he?"

"Yeah, it was Deadly Nightmare but he ended up Dreamy" I said and we both chuckled. "I took him from the garbage." She genuinely smiled.

"That's so nice of you, do you like animals?" I nodded. "I don't like dogs, they are scary"

"Not necessarily" I assured her and blew the smoke in the opposite direction. "Will we stay longer?"

"We have dessert, a cake I made. I heard you're not a fan of sweets"

"I like them but I am not crazy about them, I know someone who is, though" I smiled stupidly and she grinned widely.

"Do you have a picture of him?" I realized she was the first person I was talking about my relationship with so I got my phone out and searched in the gallery for some picture of Marco. I found one from when we went ice-skating last ear and he had fluffy ears on and rosy cheeks. He was smiling brightly and I remembered he was trying to stop me taking pictures of him. I was probably fallen for him even then. "He's beautiful" I nodded and showed her another one took recently with him pouting. "He's got a lot of freckles"

"Yea" I smiled and shoved my phone back inside my pocket. She seemed nice, without a judgemental bone in her body and that made me wonder why was she with my father. "You know that if he easily cheated on my mother it could be the same with you, right?" Her eyes darkened and I sighed.

"We'll have a child together" Well, I am his child too, right? "By the way, it's a girl" I was going to have a half-sister. "Do you have any names ideas?"

"Audrey... like Audrey Hepburn. That sounds nice, I don't know, it's your freaking child" She burst into laughter and then pet my head.

"You're not as mean as you want to seem"

"Whatever" I said and got up to get back inside, in the torture chamber. They were talking and talking and not stopping so I ate my cake in silence; it was good and I asked if I could take one piece home, for Marco. They asked if I didn't want to stay there over the night because it was late but I refused them and told my father to move his ass and drive me back because I couldn't handle their bullshit anymore. Coleen was a nice woman but that didn't mean I wanted to have anything to do with them, especially with my douchebag father. I stood in silence all the way home and then said goodbye, running inside the house where I got my shoes off and placed the cake in the refrigerator before going to my bedroom. I was expecting to find him still playing but it was almost 11 and I found him sleeping on the bed, his hair damp, probably because he just had a shower. Dreamy mewed when I got in and I bent to rub between his ears. "Hi" I whispered and then got my shirt off before climbing in bed next to him. He was smelling nice so I sniffed his shoulder once before he began shifting and slowly opened his eyes. "Sorry" I said and he smiled.

"Hi" He came closer to me and kissed my lips, enough to let me know he washed his teeth already. "How was it?"

"Frustrating" I sighed and rested my head on his chest, letting him caress my hair and neck. "I don't wanna talk about it."

"Okay" he assured me and we stood like that a few minutes until he bent to kiss me and I crushed his lips with mine with passion, enjoying his smooth touch. He wiggled so now we were on the same level and wrapped an arm around me, pulling me closer for heated kisses. His tongue searched mine and we made out for a good while, until my erection was painful and I had to get my jeans down so I could feel better. It surprised me when he bit his lips and looked away, a faint blush covering his freckles.

"What's the matter?" I was worried that I did something wrong but he came closer and kissed me again. He wrapped his arms around my naked torso and whispered in my ear.

"I want you to make love to me" His words made me blush too so I untangled his arm from around me and looked at him gingerly. He was nervous but also determined so I had to ask him if it was okay.

"Are you sure?" He nodded and kissed me gently. Well, it was the perfect time, the moms weren't home, we had all night to ourselves and we were both in need of affection. We thought about this before too so it wasn't alien either. But by "making love to him" did he mean I was going to top or it was just a manner of speaking? Anyway, we began making out again, this time more passionately and I slowly helped him out of his shirt, enjoying the freckles on his chest. I began to kiss down his neck, knowing where to head because he had sensitive nipples and when I finally took one of them in my mouth he jumped a little, moaning out loud. I had to stop myself from smiling so I could do the same with the other one while toying with the one left behind.

"Stop teasing" he moaned and tried to unbutton his pants. When he finally did I grabbed his legs so he could pull them off and undid mine too, letting us in boxers only. Wet boxers, because they were filled with pre-cum and I rubbed mine against his, making both of us whimper. "Do you still have those things?" he asked with closed eyes and I tried my best to remember where I put them. Probably in my nightstand so I got up and picked them up, throwing them on the bed beside Marco. I got his boxers down and rubbed his head before taking him in my mouth, slurping on him. "Aaaa!" he yelled and I had to stop to chuckle because he was so damn loud.

"Like it?" I asked and he groaned, covering his face. I took him in my mouth again and began to gently fondle his balls, amazed by how smooth his skin was. He was growing bigger in my mouth so I felt a little gag reflex when my eyes watered. I sucked on it and then got off him, enjoying the sight for a moment. He was a hot mess, panting on my bed, all naked and he covered his dick as a reflex when he saw how intently I stared at him. "No way, big boy" I said amused and he looked away.

"Don't call me that" he whispered and I chuckled.

"What? Big boy? But it's appropriate" I teased and he got tomato-red. I took a hold of him and he bent his legs before he brought his hand to his mouth to muffle his sounds. Now I could see everything but as informed as I was, it was a little weird to think of putting my... tool inside his... backside. Even if it looked smooth and nice. I remembered the talk I had with Reiner about sex and I remembered he told me to rim him, which meant I should simply eat him out because it would make the sphincter there relax so I looked at his red face and proceeded, touching his ass with the tip of my tongue, making him retreat, suddenly.

"Nooo, Jean!" he said and I grabbed his ankle, enjoying his embarrassed face. "Don't do that again"

"Come on, I want to" I said and pulled him down by the ankle, making him struggle but finally give up. I began eating him out and I swear I saw his dick twitch so I went bolder, feeling him relax little by little. I was also getting horny so I took hold of my erection and slowly stroke it while pleasuring him.

"Stop!" he shouted and I did, a little panicked. He was breathing hard so I got up, going closer to see if he was alright.

"What's the matter?" I thought I broke him but he buried his face in my shoulder, grasping on my arm.

"I would have came" he panted and I chuckled because he was so cute and grabbed his chin to kiss him again.

"Damn, you're fucking adorable" I said and got back at the end of the bed, putting him back in the previous position. I grabbed the bottle of lube and poured some on a finger before placing some on his entrance, making him hiss, probably because it was so cold. "Sorry" I said and began to circle it while putting the rest of the bottle under him so I could get it warmer. "Try to relax" I said so he took a big breath and I pushed the tip of my finger in, wondering if it was alright. "You okay?" He nodded and rested on his elbows so he could see me. I got the finger inside little by little and he hissed when I touched a certain spot, it was like a bump so I touched it again, seeing the same reaction.

"Oh, shit, shit" he gasped and I grinned, that was his prostate. I grabbed his dick too, slowly touching it up and down and making him close his eyes before stopping to pour more lube on him and push in a second finger.

"You're sucking me in" I said and he moaned, when I hit that spot again. "Fuck, you look hot" I bent to take him in my mouth again and he stopped me right before coming. I scissored my fingers a few more times, feeling his flesh loosing up and I slipped a condom on. Well, I thought I did before I saw it was broken. "How the fuck?" He giggled and I picked another one that I carefully put on, trying to keep the arousing mood.

"Lube" he reminded me and I coated my length in lube before putting some more on him and lining the head of my dick with him.

"Are you okay?" He nodded hurried and I grabbed his hands with mine. "I heard it would be less painful if you're on your front" He refused.

"I want to see you"

"Okay" I kissed his mouth gently before pushing in slowly, hearing his loud gasp. I caressed his bent legs and kissed him again, waiting a little. I pushed a little more inside and saw his eyes were teary so I grabbed his dick in my hand, making him moan out loud. I continued to caress him as I pushed more and more and finally I found myself fully inside. I was too concentrated on making him feel better and only then have I realized how good I felt, it was warm and tight and was sucking me inside so I was nearly on the edge. "Are you good?" I asked and he took a big breath before nodded.

"You can move" he whispered and I slowly moved back and forward again, rubbing that spot and making him yell in pleasure. "Yes, yes, yes" he repeated and threw his head back, making me eager to move faster. When I did he grabbed my hips to still me and I gave him a few more minutes before beginning again, taking his erection in my hand and pumping it.

"It feels so damn good inside you" I panted and he wrapped his legs around me, touching my chest. I kissed him again. "Fuck! Shit! Fuck!" I yelled and moved faster, feeling the bed creak under us. "I'm coming!" I said and he wrapped his arms around my torso, pulling me closer for a second before I felt myself coming and he came all over my hand and a little over his tummy. We were both breathing hard and I thought it was better to get out sooner so I pulled out, taking the filled condom with a hand and throwing it beside the bed because my legs were made of jelly. I sat down beside him and took the closest shirt to wipe the cum from my hands and his skin. "Are you okay?" He turned to look at me and smiled.

"Yes, thank you" I smiled back, not knowing exactly what he was talking about and he kissed me. "You were careful" Well, I didn't want him to leave him scarred for life so of course I was. I didn't want to hurt Marco, not even if it was for my pleasure.

"It was short" we both burst into laughter. "Totally worth it, though"

"Should we try it the other way around?" He probably felt that I tensed because he chuckled again. I wasn't mentally prepared for that and I was worried it would seem selfish of me as I just did it to him. "It's okay, we don't have to right now" I sighed, feeling bad.

"I don't say never, I just don't feel ready" I whispered, feeling like a pussy and he smiled gently, caressing my cheek.

"It's okay, I get it. We can keep doing it like this until you're ready" he whispered hoarsely and I nodded.

"Did you like it?" I asked worried and he grinned.

"At one point I saw stars, that's how good it felt" He chuckled and I kissed his forehead, seeing how sweaty he was. I was probably, too.

"I'm glad" I replied cocky and he ran his fingers through his hair. "Let's have a shower" He nodded and I saw the packs of unused condoms next to us. "Should I take some?" He looked at me and his eyes darkened with arousal before nodding. "Fuck yea!"


	13. Warm

Something grabbed me and pulled me out of my slumber easily, making me blink confused. Jean had his hair tussled all over his head and he was watching me almost scared, which was curious as it must've been early in the morning. I looked around the room as he jumped out of the bed and hurried to lock the door while getting his pants off the floor.

"They're home" he whispered and bent to pick up the used condom next to the bed. "Get dressed" he said hurried and someone knocked on the door.

"Boys, are you there?" I felt my throat going dry and I got up, realizing how sore my hips were before I put my boxers on and looked around still dizzy with sleep.

"Yes, don't come in!" Jean yelled back at his mother and dropped the condom inside the recycle bin next to his desk. Last night we ended doing it one more time inside the shower and then again in bed so there was a mess everywhere, including the sheets and toilet so we were a little in a hurry. I got up, ignoring the pain and put my short pants on me, searching for my t-shirt in a hurry. I looked over to see Jean was fully dressed and he was watching me alarmed so I felt like I needed to step in. I sure imagined the morning after different, with cuddling in bed and sleepy kisses but it was no longer possible because of the mothers so I sighed and sacrificed myself.

"I will go to cook breakfast, you clean around" I said and he smiled, relieved, coming closer to kiss my lips softly. Our breaths were horrible but it didn't matter in that chaste kiss that ended with a smile. He nodded and kissed my cheek shortly before whispering that I'm an angel and ran to the bathroom that looked like a war ran through it. I checked myself in the mirror and made sure I was walking straight before going downstairs where I found groceries on the counter. They were talking, Jean's mother smoking and they turned towards us when I began to search for eggs in those bags.

"Good morning, Marco!" Said Mrs. Kirschtein but I was too shy to look at her after last night so I smiled and replied back, still looking for those little things. I have found them and I put the pan on fire, trying to make an omelette. Comparing to Jean I was a cook but my meals were really average, not that anyone complained. "So what did you do yesterday? How was Jean?" She was asking about the meeting with his father at which I had to look at her and smile.

"It was fine, he came home in high spirits" I couldn't tell her he was not happy because I didn't want her to worry. "I spent almost all day finishing a project"

"And what are the plans for tonight?" My mom asked and I remembered Annie was throwing a party so I told them all about it while the meal was ready and I put some bread in the toaster, asking them about that girls' night. They seemed to have had fun so I listened to them on and on until Jean came with a big smile on his face, sneaking inside the room naturally and making smart comments from time to time. He was looking nice, happy, so I peeked at him from time to time, enjoying the shine in his hazel eyes. They were looking especially green today and when I offered him his cup of coffee they smiled along with his lips, making me grin.

"Let's go out for a walk" He suggested and I frowned because my legs were really aching. "Pleaaase" He made puppy eyes and I chuckled.

"Mean" I sighed but accepted and as soon we were done with breakfast we took showers and changed our clothes before getting outside where the sun was up. It was very warm so we headed to the park. While we were walking on the road I stared at his hand shyly, wondering why wasn't he trying to hold mine. I wasn't going to tell him anything but he probably realized because he chuckled and grabbed it, rubbing my thumb with his.

"Are you okay? You're not talking much" he said and I smiled.

"You neither" I commented and he chuckled.

"I am half-sleeping, half-daydreaming" I nodded and we walked silently to Starbuck's where we got our favorites and searched for the park and the right bench to sit on. "Do you feel awkward?" He asked and I looked at him curious while sipping from my Mocha.

"No, do you?" he shook his head and chuckled. "What?"

"Nothing, I am feeling high" We were both smiling dumbly and he curled his arm around mine, resting his head against my shoulder. "Everything is falling in place" I leaned down and kissed his soft hair before I began to play with his fingers.

"I like spending time in open-air. People don't do that anymore" I said and he nodded. He was drinking cafe latte so I took a gulp from his glass and wrinkled my face because it wasn't sweet enough. "Are we going to Annie's party?"

"If you want to" I wanted to, because I wanted to meet the others. We spent little time together as a group lately because we had different plans and I was busy with the divorce and swimming and stuff like that. We spent an hour or so in the park and after that we went to have lunch and saw a movie before we went home to get ready for the party. We had a lot of laughs and little talks between kisses so when we entered the party I was sure it was going to be a good night. I began laughing when I saw how Sasha ran straight to us to hug us.

"Here are my favorite gay buddies" She said and poked Jean's nose, making him sigh, annoyed and grab her hand to stop her.

"Shut up, potato girl" She pouted and soon Connie was placing two beers in our hands, pulling us to the living room where everyone was playing darts. We played for a while before we decided to dance and I looked around to see there were lots of unknown people too. I mean, I knew them because they were from our high school but that didn't mean they were my friends. I got pretty dizzy from that beer so I stopped there because I wasn't usually drinking and I knew I couldn't hold alcohol too well but it was obvious most people around me were a mess. Including Jean who was worrying me. He went out for a smoke so I began to talk with a guy who seemed as lucid as me and with whom I could talk easily. His name was Oliver and apparently we had only geography in common as class. We were talking about movies, having a nice time when someone grabbed my hand and pulled me a step back, almost brutally.

"Hello" Jean said with a sarcastic smile as he extended his free hand. "Jean"

"Hi, I'm Oliver" the guy replied with a smile, obviously amused by the possessive attitude he was having. I was too but his hand was holding me so tightly that it hurt. "Nice to meet you, are you French?"

"Yes, in fact, my family has its roots in France" he replied still up-tight and I threw him a dirty look because he was so mean. "Can we talk in private?" His pupils were dilated so I accepted, not wanting to cause a scene. I excused myself and followed him inside one bedroom that was free where he looked at me like I was going mad. He took a big breath and let go of my hand. "What the fuck, Marco?"

"What do you mean?" God, just how drunk was he?

"What I mean is are you fucking kidding me?" I looked at him, furrowing my eyebrows and watching him confused. My palms began to sweat, knowing the bad was going to follow. "Are you going to fuck around now that I fucked you in the ass yesterday?" I looked at him not believing my ears and felt my stomach turn upside down because of his chosen words. The way he put what we did last night was making me sick and even if I had only a beer I felt the need to gulp so I wouldn't vomit. His eyes were dark but he didn't seem to realize he did anything wrong so I frowned, watching him disgusted.

"You're a jerk" His words were more painful to me than any homophobic comment from anyone else during the past years, it was above any shame I had as a homosexual. He was shaming me for my position in bed and I felt vulnerable because he was truly the only person who knew me that way. I entrusted him with that and now he was making fun of me. I got outside the room and went outside where I found a few people who were vomiting. I tried to cool my head, trying to remember he had a lot of alcohol on board but that somehow didn't made me less anxious because I didn't want that, not even if he was drunk. It was selfish of me but I wanted him to accept me in any condition. I was deep in thought when I saw someone sat next to me and I got startled. It was the same guy.

"Sorry, I didn't mean to scare you" He smiled, showing me his dimples and I smiled back, crisped. "Are you okay?"

"Not really" I muttered.

"Did you fight with your boyfriend?" Boyfriend, well, he sure was but I wasn't going to think of him like that right then. "I am sorry, I probably played a part" I smiled, still sad and assure him it had nothing to do with him. "Would a hot chocolate make you feel better?" I nodded, defeated and he got up, waiting for me to play along. I really left the house, deciding it was better to get outside that place for a little, until my head was lighter. I was not the best company because I was answering monosyllabic, my mind being all over the place, most with worry because I left him alone in such a state. I didn't want anything to happen to him, no matter how much of an asshole he could be. I knew he had a big mouth and he was rushed but I knew he didn't want things to turn out the way they usually did. Only a few people knew that about him. After we finished the hot chocolates I rushed Oliver towards Annie's house where I excused myself before almost running in every room, looking for him. I was scared I would find him comatose so when I opened the door of the bathroom and saw him I froze. He was making out with a blonde I have never seen before in my life while another girl was rubbing his arm, obviously high and in need of attention. His shirt was unbuttoned at the top so I closed my eyes pained and stared at them for a moment before getting out, trying not to cry. It was not the first time this happened and images of that Angela made my guts tremble, making me almost choke. I got in the backyard where I half-fell, half-sat on the grass where I took big breaths, trying not to have a panic attack. I sure was stupid for being worried for him while he was fooling around with other people. The next day after we... I had to turn my head to vomit and wiped my mouth with the back of my hand, still feeling my stomach contracting. I was feeling wasted and when my eyes watered I fell on my back, looking at the cloudy sky. There were people still vomiting around me but I paid no attention to them. I don't know how much it lasted but at some point I was feeling numb and I realized I had to go home with him, now, when I couldn't look at him.

"Hey, are you alright?" The same familiar face. I looked up: the same guy. "You look sick" It lasted a few minutes until I answered.

"You know... I don't want to go home tonight" It was a pathetic - that line, it was't like I was implying that I wanted sex, it was the pure truth. I furrowed my brows and he smiled gently before grabbing my arm and pulling me on my feet.

"Come on, let's get out" I looked at him curious and he chuckled, grabbing my hand. "I am living alone because my parents live outside the town. If you want to, of course" he seemed a little ashamed so I smiled, the smile not reaching my eyes or my brain before following him in silence through the night. I knew it was outrageous to go to a strange house with a guy I barely knew but somehow he made me trust him, he didn't seem like a bad guy. We took the metro until his place that was a few neighbourhoods away and I was not really surprised to see he was living in a small place, that included only two rooms. "You can get the bed if you want" he said and I shook my head.

"The couch is fine... please" I said and he nodded, letting me get my shoes off.

"Want tea?" I nodded and he put water to boil, turning to me. "I swear I am not a serial killer"

"Good to know" My voice was pretty flat and I entered the room cautious. "I need to text my mom" I said and got my phone out. I also needed to tell my mother we should move out as soon as possible but it was not the right time to do so. Not right now. I told her I was staying over at a friend and sat on the couch, receiving a nice cup of tea that I sipped on. "Sorry to intrude"

"You looked so sad that I felt bad to leave you like that" He grinned and I smiled back. "Are you living with your boyfriend?"

"He's not my boyfriend" I replied hurried. Not anymore, not after tonight. "He's my, he was my best friend. I don't know anymore"

"I am sure it's gonna be fine" He smiled and I nodded, sipping the hot liquid. "Are you sleepy?" I shook my head and we began a light conversation in which I tried to focus on him. He was a good-looking guy, he was tall and had curly hair, much like mine but a lighter colour. While he was talking he was staring at me with blue eyes behind thick brown glasses and it was obvious he was a smart guy because we got to the books section where we began a very fiery conversation about poetry. I was feeling almost bad to talk about these fancy things in front of my friends because I knew they weren't fans.

"What's your favorite?" he asked and I began to search inside my mind.

"Anne Sexton" I replied and he smiled sadly.

"Good one, mine is Maria Rilke" Rainer Maria Rilke was a famous name but much to my shame, I haven't read anything and I had to tell him. "I will borrow you my personal favorite volume then. It took me a while to realize he was a dude" he grinned and I chuckled. Jean wasn't reading a lot, or almost at all but I pushed the thought in the back of my mind because there was no reason for it. Outside it was almost morning and I yawned. "We should go to sleep"

"Okay"

"Good night!"

"Good night!" He smiled and I left the cup on the small coffee table before covering myself with the blanket and trying to consume the sleep left. When I finally woke up it was near noon and I couldn't remember any kind of dreams. I looked around, confused and realized where I was before I smelled the coffee and saw the little note beside the cup. I didn't usually drink coffee but my head was hurting so I took a sip, reading the note hurried.

 _I am off to class, leave the key under the carpet outside :)_

I sighed but then saw the book next to the bed and picked it up, seeing it was a volume of selected works of Rilke. I was curious so I opened it, looking through it and reading from page to page until I reached the back cover where there was a small scribble. It was a phone number and a smiley face. I wasn't sure if it was an invitation, I wasn't sure if I wanted that but one thing was definitely positive: I had nothing to lose so before anything else I saved the number inside my phone.


	14. DKLA

My vision was blurred so I rinsed my body and got out of the shower in the warm room, looking at how the water was dripping down the walls. I stared at them dumbly for a while until I decided to dry my hair and body before going to the bedroom to change. I picked the vial in which I hid my pills and took two, wanting to get rid of this feeling of emptiness. Everything was better when I was feeling high, there was no missing piece inside me, there were only colors and happiness. I laid back in bed and decided I would visit Coleen today and help her a little because my father was on a business trip and that made me a lot more comfortable in that apartment. They were living in a small apartment complex and I got there really easy with my bike while listening to my usual playlist that included no words. It was really hard for me to listen to emotional songs these days so I preferred not to and just had background sounds. I locked the bike in place and hurried upstairs, knocked on the door and waited patiently while checking my phone. When she finally saw me she smiled widely, a little taken aback. Her hair was all over the place and she looked very pregnant which amused me.

"Good morning, Jean!" I smiled back, a little up-tight and she stepped back so I could enter the place. "Excuse me, I just woke up"

"It's okay" I said and looked around to see the man was indeed not there. Thank God, I couldn't handle his bullshit right now. "So what are the plans for today?" I asked and sat on the couch while she went to pour me a glass of orange juice. I took it from her hand and she sat down next to me.

"I plan on cleaning around"

"I can do dusting" I said and she smiled, a little shyly. "I can also wash dishes" We've spent quite a time together lately because mom was working all day and I was lonely so I thought that I could do something good and help her out. She offered me some candy but I refused it as I was not in the mood.

"You're very nice but I bet you have better things to do with your time" I shook my head because I really didn't as I wasn't working that day. And I wasn't in the mood to go out with anyone either so it was a set decision. "What's the matter? Do you have any kind of problems at school or work?" I shook my head. "Is it Marco then?" That hit me much more than intended, probably because she had no idea what was going on.

"Marco and I are no longer together" I gulped dryly and she furrowed her brows. It's been a month since I last talked to Marco, at that goddamned party. They moved out without him coming at our house again and since then we haven't talked at all, not even in the classes we had in common. We were usually staying at different poles and he wasn't talking to the others like he usually did, he was slowly getting further and further away, not even looking me in the eye. I knew he was hurt and disappointed but he didn't give me any chance to apologize or do things better. It was like I lost a limb, I never experienced this kind of feeling, it was like I was living someone else's life. It all turned to shit in less than a day.

"What happened?" I didn't want to talk about him so I grimaced and she let it go. "Whatever is going on, I am sure you two will be fine" I didn't think that, in fact I was sure it wasn't going to be because I missed my shot and he deserved someone better. I never wanted to admit until now but Marco was the best person I knew and he deserved much more than the shitty me. It was pointless to think of that then so I began working soon, trying to fill my time as soon as possible and keep my brain busy. I was feeling drained of everything and guilty so I worked hard at work and school, as if that could balance what I have done. I couldn't remember the name of the girls I made out with that night and that showed just how much they meant to me. We had lunch together and in the afternoon I decided to bike to the graveyard to see my grandmother's grave. She was my mother's mother and after Marco, she knew me the best and today was that kind of day when I missed her badly. I was very sweaty when I decided I needed a break and I spotted a flower shop which gave me the idea to buy a bouquet. I had 50 dollars on me so I hoped I would afford something nice.

I parked the bicycle and headed inside, making sure my hair was alright. I got to the counter and looked around for yellow roses which were my granny's favorite and when I finally saw them someone came from the back and I almost dropped my jaw when I saw the familiar freckled face. He looked well, a big smile plastered on his face that slowly died once our eyes met, being replaced by a polite but subtle one. I looked at my destroyed converse shoes and back at him, trying not to make things awkward.

"Hi" I said and he put a pair of yellow gloves on, looking at me peacefully.

"Hi, Jean, can I help you?" I nodded and pointed to the roses.

"I want a bouquet of those" He smiled again and pursued to pick some nice ones, wrapping them in colorful paper. I watched his dexterity in silence and the room became suffocating until he began to look around for a ribbon and spoke.

"You're visiting your grandma?" I nodded and felt a tinge of sadness in his voice. Of course he knew those were my grandma's favorites. When we were little I always took him to her house to play during the weekends. She used to make us pancakes and muffins and whatever we wanted, she was that kind of grandma. "It's been three years now" He was at her funeral too, he saw me crying like a little baby and held my hand without making any mean comment about how I shouldn't cry. I looked at his freckled face and then down his neck where the skin was exposed and where it looked warm and perfect.

"Marco" I said suddenly and he looked up, stopping his motion. "I am sorry" Those words really seemed meaningless and I almost felt pathetic saying them, ashamed of me. I spoke those words way too many times now, much more than I should have but I couldn't stand to go on without apologizing. "I am..." I was ready to repeat when he got out from behind the table and came closer, untying his dirty apron.

"I know, I know" he said and smiled brightly. "It's okay, don't kill yourself over that" I hated how calm he was but when he said that I felt tears in my eyes so I rubbed them furiously, making him grab my hands and pull me closer in a hug. I couldn't stand anymore so I buried my face in his tall shoulder and tried to stop the feeling of choking. "You're my best friend"

"I miss you" I whispered and he nodded, stopping the hug too soon. He looked at me smiling and the only thought that came inside my head was that he was too good for me. He got a tissue from the table and offered it to me before looking at the clock.

"I can take a break, do you want a coffee?" I nodded and he showed me the back of the place where was a small yard with a jukebox with tea and coffee from which we took our share. We sat down on the edge of the door and I took a cigarette out, lighting it while holding the cup of coffee. "You should cut on those, you look bad" I smiled shortly but didn't throw it away.

"How comes you're working?" I knew his mother and I knew she would never allow him to work if she could do anything about it so it was weird. Even if a flower shop suited him, I bet there were lots of people buying flowers just because of his warm being.

"I signed up in a project and I need money to finish it so I am doing my best. We're staying at a hotel so mom can't help me with everything" I looked at him for more explanation and he grinned. "It's an exchange project, I'm going to study abroad until the end of the semester" The end of the semester meant 4 months so I almost dropped my cup. I turned to look at him and he smiled widely. "In France, it's very interesting, they focus on biology and physics" He wanted to be a pediatrician and he was crazy about biology so I could understand his enthusiasm but still.. it was not another state, it was another continent. For four months.

"Are you sure?" I asked and he chuckled, probably at my face.

"Of course, it's a great opportunity" It was making me feel selfish but I didn't want him to go. Not that it was my place to speak, it was his future and his choice.

"Aren't you a little anxious to go there alone? And to learn in French..." Well, I was French so I spoke it fluently but Marco only learnt it in school so I wasn't sure how was that going to be.

"The classes are mostly in English. I am going there with a group, I met most of them and there is also Oliver, the guy from the party" I could vaguely remember him, but I knew I had something against him, that was for sure. He had glasses. There was a question itching me so I looked at my shoes and kicked a rock, deciding not to put it. "We're not dating" he answered and I smiled sarcastic cause he knew me so well.

"We're not dating either" I said and he smiled sadly, shaking his head.

"Let's not talk about it again" His voice was not dark but it was grave, as if he didn't want to remember what happened and it made me worried because I didn't want him to regret everything. "We're horrible as a couple" I smiled emptily and he smiled back. "It was a lifetime crush, sometimes it simply doesn't work"

"It's my fault" I whispered and he shook his head, grabbing my shoulder.

"I'm too sensible and you're too harsh, we're total opposites" He was right. "But we're awesome as best friends and I don't want to lose that, even if it will hurt"

"Okay" I agreed and got up, placing the cigarette butt in the recycle bin. "When are you leaving? Can we meet until then?"

"Of course, I get out at 7 tonight but then I go shopping for the trip. I leave at the end of this week." I realized the question was too sudden and maybe it was better to let things get colder between us so we wouldn't have this feeling when we see each other. It was better to keep it down with the meetings and talks for a while. He probably thought the same but he was too nice to tell me.

"You should focus on the trip." I wanted to tell him to look for me when he wanted to but that would have sounded too clingy so I chose to shut up and watched him smiling. He ran his fingers through his curls and I felt my fingertips ache with the need to touch them but I stopped myself, only looking at the way they were falling on his head. They gave him a childish look, he was always going to have a cute aura with that haircut. It was not even a haircut, it was just left wild. He probably saw what I was staring at cause he bowed his head as if he was offering it for touching. I chuckled and rubbed the top, letting my hand rest on the back of his neck. He shivered and straightened his posture.

"Don't do that" I raised a brow and he got away, annoyed. "If you want us to be friends again you can't do this"

"Right" I said in a tiny voice and decided it was time to leave. "Text me if you feel like" I added and we both went in the shop where he fixed the last touches on my bouquet and when he offered me the flowers I took hold of his wrist. "Take care of yourself, okay?" I wanted to hug him again, to smell his sweet scent but I couldn't do that so I looked at his freckled face again before we said our good-byes. I felt a heart-pull when I hopped on the bike and drove it off that road. I was feeling terrible, to be honest, empty and confused because I didn't know how I could make the feelings stop. No matter how I looked at it, I couldn't erase all that happened the last month. Our relationship lasted three weeks or so but the feelings were a lot older and I couldn't handle this. I stopped to buy myself a beer and continued the trip to the cemetery where I easily found my grandma's grave. I placed the roses on the stone and after reciting the only prayer I've ever known I sat down on the little bench beside and opened the beer with a sigh.

The view was beautiful but my heart was still beating wildly, confused by what it had to do. I remembered kisses, touches, words, love.

"I think I really messed things up this time, granny"


	15. Waiting for a friend

"You two will stay in the same room" Professor Ackerman said pointing to me and Oliver and I tried not to cringe because that was not the most happily choice he made. It was not that I didn't get along with him but because I knew he had a certain admiration for me and it was going to be difficult to keep things at ease in the next four months. I haven't talked to Jean at all since that day in the flower shop and even if we decided not to try and have a romantic relationship anymore didn't mean I could easily jump in a relationship with someone else, especially not after all that happened. My smoldering love ended with a boom and the feelings were all over the place, making me unreasonably agitated and hurt. I didn't have the courage to look for him because I knew he was busy with work and the reason why I took this project and I was now in Lyon, France, was because I needed time and space to think what was going to happen next.

"Heard that, mate?" He seemed enthusiastic so I nodded and we grabbed the key and the bags, searching for the room 213. It was on the second floor and we had two beds that were pulled together in the middle of the room so they would create more room on the sides and we had two closets, a small bathroom. The kitchen was not needed because we had food tickets which I was enthusiastic to use because I was expecting some French meals. Jean was from France so whenever we would visit his family (aunts, grandmas) they would make delicious foods, including sweets that were great. There was also a very ugly picture on the wall and I proceeded to take it down, wrinkling my nose. "Not a fan?" I chuckled.

"Not really, no" I said and announced I was going to take a shower. The thing with Oliver was that I gave that book back and he never ceased to look at me like he was expecting something, he was still hoping something will go on now, that I was almost always with him. He was a nice guy but I was really confused and I didn't need more complications. I picked a change of clothes and went to the bathroom where I had my routine before getting back in the room to dry my hair.

"You look cute in nightwear" I smiled crisped.

"Thank you" I replied and he left for the bathroom, allowing me to crush on the bed and call my mother to tell her all about it. She was worried about me and my need to suddenly go away and I was feeling guilty because I left her alone. She was staying at my grandma's, looking on the internet for a small place to buy with the money that we had. We probably didn't need an expensive trip right now but as I wasn't asking a lot during the year she said she could let me go with this one so here I was.

After I told her everything was going alright and I was staying in room with someone I knew and that I was going to sleep soon, which was a lie because my sleep was difficult lately and then hung up. I began checking Facebook and in my mid-stalking I entered J. Kirschtein's profile and rolled down to see any new pics. They were a few tagged ones, with Sasha and with Annie - well, that was surprising - and some in the middle of a big group, probably at party. He had deep purple circles under his eyes but he was smiling widely, as if he could fool anyone. He even looked skinnier. I zoomed in the picture when I noticed something on his left arm and saw there was indeed drawn there, something nicely shaped and colored and it took me a while to get that it was another tattoo. Oh my freaking God! I knew his dad was going to flip it when he will see it. I couldn't tell what was there so after a few minutes I gave up and set the alarm, turning off the lamp on my side and turning my back to the middle so I would face the window. I was feeling lonely so it took a while to fall asleep and I spent that until-then time thinking about how I should try to calm my feelings and focus on what was going to follow.

I heard Oliver when he got back in the room but I pretended to be asleep so I would avoid any kind of conversation. In the morning I was the first to wake up and after I freshened up I made myself a black tea and sat on the edge of the window, looking outside to see the beautiful city and how the weather was. When Oliver woke up I heard the things shifting so I turned around and smiled.

"Good morning!" I offered and he yawned, covering his face with a hand.

"Mornin'" Flashes of a blonde sleepy head came in my mind, a sexy hoarse voice that was almost always whining because it was too early. It was too late for that so I had to watch curious blues watching me. "Are you a morning person?"

"Somewhat" I said and he got up to clean his face and probably make a shower. Meanwhile I dressed a simple blue shirt and a pair of jeans and lost some time, waiting for the morning meeting. Ackerman was always on point so we got there in time, getting ready to hop on a bus and visit around. A small trip around the city, to get us used to what was going on and to give us the opportunity to buy little gifts for whoever we wanted. There were two seats and I smiled forced when Oliver sat next to me because all I wanted was to listen to some music and think things out. I sat in silence all the time and listened to what the professor had to say, until they gave us some free time to have breakfast and then visit the city. I had some pastries because I couldn't eat a lot in the mornings and after I bought a bottle of water we left to look around.

We found a little antique shop where I entered right away, hoping I will find something nice for my mother.

"Whom do you want to buy a gift?" Oliver asked as I was searching through a few shelves of old books. I would have bought some but they were all in French.

"I want to buy my mother something" Thankfully they had some really nice post cards so I bought a few vintage ones and I found the jewelry and I began to look through some necklaces. I couldn't buy a ring cause I didn't know the measure but I found a nice silver piece that had some red stones and was looking exact like something my mother would wear. I picked it up and I saw Oliver had a book in his hand.

"You're not gonna buy your father something?" I shook my head, I haven't seen that man in a while and I was happy about it. "You're not in good terms with him? Why?"

"He can't stand the fact that I have my preferences" I said a little too lowly and he nodded, getting what I was talking about. I couldn't see where that homophobic part was coming from but it was his brain and his choices and I wasn't going to spend my time with someone that hated me that much. I couldn't change for him, just like he couldn't change for me so we were even. Just when we were at the cashier I saw a little pin with a band someone loved very much and almost naturally asked for that one too. I felt really silly once I had it in my pocket because I knew I wouldn't give it to him anytime soon and it was stupid because it was only the second day. We got out and Oliver offered his bag to me.

"I bought it for you" he smiled and I looked better at it to see it was a Disney illustrated book.

"Uhmm, thank you very much! You shouldn't have"

"I know you love cartoons" I really did love cartoons and I also loved ice-cream so even if it was almost cold we stopped by a place where we could have our share. I had chocolate and soon we found a park where we sat on a bench. "I think France is an awesome country"

"I think Europe is an awesome continent. I love the buildings and the old air" I said and he nodded, approving my idea. "My family is Italian so I have my pride" I grinned and he smiled back, beginning to ask a lot of things. The only thing about Italy was that I used to go there when I was little, almost every summer - a week or so, and I remembered really tasty fruits and sunny days. I was the type to enjoy rainy days more, though, and sit inside with a cup of cocoa and something to watch or a book. "I am excited about the classes"

"I am too, can't wait" Later that day we were presented the place where we were going to study and they were all very big and spacious and filled with materials we didn't have at our school. We saw the laboratories and they gave us lab coats which was very funny cause I looked like a mad scientist in one of those. It suited me though and I always knew I wanted to work with children in the future so I wanted to get used to it. I didn't see when the time flew and we were again in the room, taking turns for showers and ready to sleep.

Something was ringing. I looked around to see what was going on and when Oliver shouted to make it stop I realized it was my phone so I grabbed it confused and saw it was a strange number. I dragged the green dot and put it to my ear.

"H-hello?" My voice was groggy.

"Marco? Fucking hell, thank God!" It was Jean and he was panting in my ear. "Please tell me you can fucking speak right now" I got up from the bed and went to the hall where there was a small table and a few chairs. I chose one and sat down.

"It's 2 A.M., Jean!" I said hushed and looked down to see I was in socks. Of course I would forget my mind when he was calling.

"That's not important, tell me something, anything" He was freaking out, I could feel it everywhere so I furrowed my brows, my first thought being he got in a big big trouble or something happened to him. "Come on, man"

"What happened?" I didn't have time to breathe because he began babbling.

"It happens that I am in a fucking hospital but don't worry, it's not something stupid I've done, it's just that Coleen's water broke and dad isn't home so she called me and I drove her here and the baby is coming and I don't know what to do cause she wants me there and I am not ready for a sister and I am not ready for..." He took a big break to take a big breath and I opened my mouth, perplexed. "I am freaking out, I don't want to go there"

"Jean" I said calm.

"Marco, I don't want to! It's not even my sister, it's a half sister like in Cinderella"

"Jean"

"I don't want to see Coleen's vagina and I don't want to see a newborn baby" He was still talking very fast and I could imagine him walking around.

"Jean, shut up for a second"

"But!"

"Shut up! You called me, if you wanted to talk by yourself you know where a mirror is most probably" I was a little mean but I needed his attention. "I know all you said until now it's just the panic talking - I know you" Better than I wanted. "You must think about Coleen, she's alone and she's giving birth to her first baby so she needs someone and you're the only one to do that" There was a small pause.

"But what if they tell me to hold her?" I sighed but smiled, amused.

"You will hold her and I bet you will love it, she is your sister after all" I knew he would love the baby, even if he didn't want to admit it.

"What if I do something wrong?"

"You won't, I trust you, now go inside there and welcome your sister properly in the world"

"Okay" he said as if I sent him to the corner and I had to chuckle. "How is France?" I bit my lower lip. Lonely. I miss you.

"Good, interesting, I am actually starting tomorrow." It was not the time to talk about me so I stopped. "Go on, we can talk about this later"

"O-okay, thank you, I am sorry" He had nothing to be sorry for but I didn't have the time to tell him that because he hung up and I was left in the middle of the hall with the phone in my hand, a little confused about what I should do next. It was so unfair because I made a lot of sacrifices to get away from him and all he had to do was make a call in the middle of the night and make my world turn upside down. I was feeling hurt and I didn't know if it was because of all that happened or because I missed him. I groaned and went downstairs to took a tea from the jukebox, deciding I shouldn't go back to sleep so soon. I was on the same chair when the door opened and I saw a sleepy Oliver rubbing his tummy while staring at me.

"What are you doing up at this hour? Who called?" I didn't answer and he probably got it and sat next to me, making me scoot a little further. "You've got it bad" he said and I sighed, resting on my back.

"Fuck" I muttered and he widened his mouth, probably because I was not the type to swear. "No, it's okay, I'm gonna be fine"

"Marco, I really think you deserve better than this" I sighed. He couldn't understand, my mother couldn't understand, no one could, really, because part of me was always going to belong to him. It was not that we had sex, it was that he was my first everything, my first friend, my first to hold hands with, my first kiss, my first sleepover, the first one I played everything with... It was like loving him was what I did all my life, I couldn't just let go of that. "I've been thinking, I don't know if I can be Jean cause he seems a lot more... intense but I can try to make you happy" He was slowly leaning towards me so I pushed him away, placing my hand on his chest and got up.

"I can't" I whispered and hurried to the room where I fell on the bed. I simply couldn't, no one could change what I felt.


	16. If you ever come back

"Shhh, please go to sleep" I begged the little thing in my arms that was holding tightly on my shirt and that was curling and twirling and basically trying to fall down and take me to prison. Her name was Audrey and she looked like a little granny, all wrinkled but with blue eyes and a lot of hair on top of her head. I rubbed her belly through her onesie and smiled at her, looking around to make sure no one could see me. It was a little embarrassing, a few nurses asked me if I was the father which was really weird as I was a confused teen that wasn't sure what sexuality did he have. We even took some pictures together and I made sure to send them to Marco, sharing with him how scared and happy I was. "Dad will come to see you soon" I told her assuring and she showed me her gums. "Weren't little kids supposed to be cute?" Well, she spent a lot of time in a womb but I couldn't blame that on her. I sat down on a chair and began to coo her until she had mercy on me and fell asleep and I placed her in the little basinet.

Coleen was sleeping so I got myself a coffee and sat by the window, looking outside to see lots of doctors roaming. I knew one day Marco was going to be one of them so the feeling gave me a warm sensation inside, even if I knew years would pass and he would find someone else, someone to love him better than I did. I wished him the best, if I could see that smile from time to time it would be enough. I checked my phone and when I saw I had nothing going I rested my head on the cold wood and closed my eyes, not realizing when the sleep fell over me and waking up only when my pocket began buzzing. I looked confused to see it was my mother and jumped off and went to see a waken Coleen.

"I have to go, mom doesn't know I've been here" I said and she nodded, obviously hurt. "Bye, Audrey" I smiled.

"Thank you, Jean! You've been a real help" I shrugged my shoulders, shy, and headed home, trying to figure out a good excuse. I couldn't tell her I was with Coleen because it would hurt her. When I got home I dropped the backpack I had with me and headed to the kitchen where I knew she was and where I found her with Mrs. Bodt. It was hard for me to look into those deep brown eyes so I smiled and looked away, saying hi.

"Hello, darling" Mom said and I went to kiss her, pouring myself another cup of coffee. I was going to class in a couple of hours. "Have you heard about Marco's trip?" I nodded, uncomfortable and they began talking about this.

Mrs. Bodt was talking about a lot of pros and she mentioned a party so I casually grabbed my phone and got on facebook. They were indeed lots of tagged pics of him and as I scrolled down I stopped at one particular photo in which he was dancing very close to Oliver. His arms were around his neck and he was resting his head on his shoulder, as if they were slow-dancing and I don't know why but I felt that was a lot more intimate than a kiss. I stared at the screen with big eyes until I felt like crying and I stormed to my bedroom upstairs where I crushed on the bed.

I looked around for my pills and took three of them, wanting to forget. I felt tears pooling inside my eyes and tried to hold myself from crying, knowing I would never stop once I begin. I looked at the ceiling and then decided I would tell him how I felt, changing my mind in the next moment. I felt everything spinning so I buried my face in the pillow and decided to fall asleep before throwing up. When I woke up I was feeling sick so I hurried to the toilet where I gagged a few times before emptying my stomach and going downstairs, looking for lemons. Mom was in the kitchen, alone this time and she left down the phone she was holding when she saw me. "You're looking terribly white" I shrugged my shoulder and she put her hand on my forehead to check my temperature. "You seem to be okay"

"Do we have lemons?" I asked, opening the fridge and finding some on the door. My head was close to exploding and I had a bitter taste in my mouth.

"Is it because of Marco?" I stopped a little at the name and she smiled knowingly, pissing me off a little because she could read me so well. "You miss him, don't you?" I nodded, reluctantly and she came to hug me. "He's coming home for Christmas and you guys will be okay, I am sure he misses you too" By how those photos were looking I was sure he wasn't even thinking of me but I simply nodded because I didn't want to talk on this subject anymore. "Do you work today?"

"Yes, I should leave in an hour"

"Don't go if you don't feel well, you know it is not necessary" I rolled my eyes because we had this discussion millions of times and continued to make my sugarless lemonade. I knew she wanted me to concentrate on my studies and shit but the truth was that without a job I would have been a high mess all day long. Leaving aside the pills, I could always have alcohol too.

"Mom, it's hard enough without having to give me pocket money" I said and she gave up on the subject, watching me as I sipped from my cup. We spent a little time talking and then I got dressed and took the car to the tattoo parlour, deciding I will get another tatt soon and maybe a few piercings. I've got a nipple pierce and a few more in my ears. I had a discount as I was working there and the guy drawing the tatts was amazing so I wanted some more on me : I was thinking about a semi-moon half-covered in clouds because that was how I was feeling now, if Marco was the sun, I was the lonely moon on a starless sky. I also wanted two collarbones piercings, they looked awesome and I knew they weren't hurting all that much and surprisingly, by the end of the workday I had them done, they were simple and they didn't even bleed so it was perfect for me. I was cleaning the instruments properly when the new girl, Zoe, snapped her fingers in front of me.

"Hey, pretty boy, you are deep in thoughts" I smiled at her and saw she was getting her gloves off. "I never talked to you longer than two minutes"

"Hi" I said cheekily and watched her red hair bounce, she had dimples and they were obvious when she smiled. "Never thought you wanted to talk to me" I couldn't remember the last time I really smiled so I felt my skin weird, like it was crippled and old. "I feel honoured" I was still high and feeling pretty amused by the whole situation.

"Wanna grab a beer?" I nodded and soon we took our jackets and we headed to a near bar. We indeed got beers and we began talking about the job and our boss and she showed me her badass tattoos that included a dragon on her lower back. She was hot but I was just losing time with her; on the other hand, she sure thought I was cute because she repeated that. "So, do you want to come to my place?" It was almost the middle of the night and I had school the next day so I shook my head, still smiling. She rose her brows, surprised. "Wow"

"What? Do I look like the easy kind?" She giggled.

"Honestly, you are the player type" Not anymore so it made me frown, that comment. "I am sorry, did I say anything wrong?"

"No, of course not" I tried to wash the expression off but suddenly my mood dropped and I called a cab to take me home because I couldn't drive in that state. Once I got home I took another pill and fell asleep at an instant, deciding to keep getting high until I felt better. And I don't know when the time passed and December came and I was staring at my cold fingers inside a filled airport.

He was going to be home, I knew that from my mom and I had no idea what I was doing there, staring blankly at the screen showing all the flights. There was only one flight coming from Paris and it was arriving in less than 10 minutes so I felt my breathing getting quicker and quicker. What the fuck was I doing there? We haven't talk almost at all since then and still, here I was, waiting for him like a puppy. When the flight was announced to have landed my breath got harsher and I sprinted to the toilet where I stared frozen at the image of myself. He didn't want me there, he didn't want to see me crying and waiting for him like a beaten dog, he made it clear when he said we wouldn't be together every again. I could imagine him with Oliver, all happy, maybe even holding hands so I entered one toilet stand and hid there, taking pill after pill until the cleaner found me and told me the airport was going to close soon. It was all foggy and I couldn't remember when I got home or how the next days passed. All that I remembered was that my phone began to ring and I answered, moving my sweaty and naked body closer to the edge of the bed.

"Y-yea?" I asked, ruffling my hair.

"Jean? It's Marco" My heart skipped a beat and looked outside to see it was snowing hard. "Do you want to have lunch together today or are you going to keep ignoring me?" he seemed amused but I laughed half-hearted, feeling very uncomfortable.

"Sure"

"The usual place? In two hours?"

"Okay" I whispered and hung up, feeling the tiredness washing over me again. I went to the shower and put some clean clothes on me before getting the gift I got for him in October and headed for the place with my sun-glasses on so he couldn't see my red eyes and the bags under my eyes. I had a leather jacket on and a red beanie on my head with jeans and black boots. I got there a little earlier so I chose a table and undressed my jacket before looking at the menu, deciding I would have a burger and fries, which was my usual. And a coffee of course. I was checking my boring Facebook when someone sat in front of me and I rose my eyes, seeing a smiling Marco dressed in simple, light clothes and with a jacket that he was trying to get down.

"Hi" he said and put the thing on the next chair. He looked me straight in the eyes and I swear to God I could have started crying right there. His hair was longer and there were curls falling on his forehead. "I am glad you came" He had a necklace on, one with a bird and I wondered where he got that one but refused to ask.

"Hi"

"Could you get your sunglasses off?" I reluctantly did that and I could sense his body tensing. "You look terrible, Jean" I shrugged my shoulders like a child and smiled at the waiter that came to take our order. After I told mine he asked for waffles and a tea and I stared at him for seconds - his freckles were in place and he was radiant, just like the Marco that left. I felt my fingers itch so I looked away, avoiding his chocolate orbs.

"How is France?" He smiled and I began to play with the napkin in front of me.

"Good, interesting. But I miss home, I miss mom, it's hard. How's your mother? Sister?"

"They're all good, I'm doing my best to help them both" I said cryptic and looked him in the eye again. "I am still working" He nodded and the mood felt heavy between us, making me look at my napkin again and begin to play with it.

"You've got new tattoos?" I nodded and began to explain.

"I got some sunflowers on my ribs and a moon on my back" He nodded and then saw the piercings through my shirt cause he kept staring there so I got the collar down, showing him the silver pieces.

"Oh my God, you got out of control" he said and came closer to touch them. "Do they hurt?"

"No, they don't" I shivered at his touch and he got back to his place. "It's a form of art and I enjoy it"

"Your knuckles, Jean" He gasped and I hid my hands under the table. The truth was that lately I had this habit of extinguishing my cigarettes on my knuckles when I was high and the burns were terrible once the effects were gone, it was not a good thing but I didn't care about it much as long as it made me feel better. "What happened?"

"I don't know" I said and he grabbed my arm so he could shove the hands up again to stare at them.

"Come on" I sighed.

"You can't come back months later after not talking to me at all and scold me" I said in a low tone and he sighed too, mirroring me.

"I just want to make sure you're fine because you look awful, Jean, you're worrying me" Of course I wasn't looking like Mr. Sunshine walking on a rainbow, I wasn't as happy as he was, I wasn't as enthusiastic; I wasn't happy, he was like that and I wasn't. I was angry so I got up and placed the Christmas pack on the table along with a 50 bucks bill.

"It's on me" I said and began to dress my jacket.

"Don't be childish!" he said and got half-up, looking straight at my face.

"Goodbye, Freckles, have a nice life" I muttered and got out, leaving behind a shocked Marco that looked very frustrated.

Well, fuck him and his prejudice and his issues, I had enough of that, I had enough of that caring side, I was my own person and I had rights. I lit a cig and saw it started snowing so I got my car out of the parking lot, took a pill and drove home. In that package was a crimson comforter that I knew would look great on his skin and there was also a little note of apologize for all that happened - it was perfect for a break-up only this time we were breaking our friendship too, not only our relationship. I took another pill and then another pill when I heard a car horn and everything went white.


	17. Tell me that you'll be the good one

The awkwardness left behind was not little, the waiter brought both the plates and I looked at the fifty bucks a little distracted, not knowing how to react because it was so sudden. I didn't believe he could be like that, so harsh with me because he never was before. Jean Kirschtein was known for his "asshole" behaviour towards everyone but I never tasted it because I was always the closest to him; seeing him like that put everything in a different perspective and I was worried I will never get his soft side again. I sighed and began to cut my waffles slowly, looking outside where it was heavy snowing. I took the package, curious and found inside a scarlet comforter that was made of a soft material and a little envelope where I could recognize his messy handwriting.

 _Marco,_

 _I just wanted to apologize again for what happened that night, I can't remember everything that was said, I can't remember how I ended up with those girls but the thing that I know is that I hurt you badly, right after you made me the happiest guy. I was a douchebag and I know we can't fix things between us so maybe it will be better to cut all ties. You deserve someone better: a better lover and a better friend so please take care of yourself and don't give up on your dreams. I know you will become an awesome doctor and everyone will be in awe of you._

 _Yours,_

 _Jean_

So the intention was this from the beginning, he didn't even want my friendship anymore. Maybe it was as hard for him as it was for me so I didn't blame he made that decision but it was almost surreal, this concept. He was a big part of my life, I couldn't just erase him, especially when I was worried about him. After I saw he was getting a tattoo obsession I searched that thing up and it seemed people were doing that because they couldn't express their feelings out-loud; the scars on his knuckles, the weight-loss, his eyes, they were all telling me he couldn't take care of himself, he was destroying his mind and body and I knew I could never forgive myself if anything was going to happen to him.

I finished my lunch in silence and paid the dishes before I wrapped the comforter around my neck and walked out, in the cold weather where I could barely see in front of me. I walked all the way home, thinking about what happened and holding the letter tightly in my pocket. I wanted to burn it, to never see it again but then, what if it was the last thing I got from him? I buried my face in the comforter and felt the pleasant smell of his cologne, beginning to remember the first time I came out to him.

Somehow, coming out to Jean was harder than coming out to my parents and that was probably because he was my crush at that time, he was a big clue in my sexuality. When we were little we had sports class together so we were always changing in the lockers at the same times; I was feeling weird that whenever he took his shirt off I felt the need to touch his skin, that I found his body so attractive while all the boys were talking about porn with D-cups. Girls were never sexual beings to me, even if I was asked out by many and my eyes were always roaming around the room for beautiful boys. I remember that day terribly well, we were getting out of the shower, after basketball when he began babbling as usual. Water was dripping down his neck and chest so it was hard to concentrate on his talk.

"Don't you think Claire is hot?" Claire was Ms. Beauty of our school, a typical blonde with blue eyes. It was a week later after I came out to my parents, I was 16. I knew I was gay years before but I never had the courage to tell anyone, I was feeling unusual. "Freckles! Are you listening?" He took the towel to dry his blonde hair and I stopped, serious.

"I don't think I...err like girls" I said in a little voice and he continued to rub his head, jolly.

"What do you mean?" He sure was dense.

"I am gay" I blurted out and he stopped, his eyes widening. He was holding his sweater but made no movement, watching me more curious than judgemental. I was fearing at the moment that he was disgusted but instead of that he got dressed and came close to me. He was very close so I was scared he would become aggressive. I blinked, surprised and he chuckled.

"Did you think we won't be friends anymore because of that?" I frowned. He was known because of his "no homo" attitude so I couldn't answer but I was almost sure he would feel ashamed with me, people were really mean once they knew what sexuality you have. "I don't care if you like girls or dudes, okay?" I nodded and he smiled brightly. "Do you think I'm hot?" I burst into laughter to hide my embarrassment.

"No way" I said and hit him with a towel. "Shut up" He burst into laughter and we continued our day like per usual which made me breathe normally as at home the tension was terrible. It was the time when my mother didn't know how to react and my dad was commenting my every move, telling me I was not normal so having Jean act so casual made me feel very confident. He always defended my preferences, if there were bullies or if there were uncomfortable questions so maybe he made my coming out a lot smoother. I sighed at the thought of that and soon found myself at the hotel where mom was decorating a little Christmas tree.

"How were things, dear?" I groaned and fell on the bed, still having my new comforter on. "I take it wasn't that good" I didn't want to talk about it so I didn't answer and closed my eyes instead, feeling the need to cry out frustrated. I wanted to wake up to a text from Jean that asked me if I had plans this evening, to meet him and everything to be alright, to make this hurt in my chest stop. I actually fell asleep and I was woken up by my mother that was pulling my shoulder, alarmed.

"What happened?"

"Cynthia called me, Jean had an accident, he is in the hospital" When I heard that I almost jumped out of the bed.

"Is he alright?"

"His clavicle is torn, I don't know, I... Do you want to go?" Of course I wanted so I dressed my jacket and we both stormed out, calling for a cab. My mother told the name of the hospital and I began trembling on the way there, trying to pray that he was going to be alright. I knew he left angry but I never imagined he could have a car crash. When we arrived we called Mrs. Kirschtein that was waiting for us on the second floor where the doctor just left. She came to hug my mother, crying very hard and I looked around confused, wanting to see him.

"He's sleeping." Mrs. K said and I furrowed my brows. "He passed a red light and someone c-crashed into him" She pointed to a window and I went closer to see Jean sleep on the other side of the window.

His hands were wrapped in white cloth and his shoulder was too. He was obviously in pain, had an IV so I wanted to get inside as soon as possible but knew I shouldn't. I continued to stare at him and heard the woman talk.

"His blood tests showed he is drugged" She was sobbing so it was hard to understand. "The quantity could kill someone if it was the first time, his body is used to it" I gasped and turned around to watch the howling woman. "He is used to it, they found some pills in his car" The information exploded inside my head and I felt sick so I hurried to the bathroom where I threw up. He did drugs, he did drugs and he never told me. He could have died because of those things, he was near death right now and I never knew. I wiped my face with a wet paper towel and went back on the hall where Mrs. Kirschtein was still crying.

"Marco, did you know?" mom asked and I shook my head, abruptly. Of course I didn't, I would have helped him.

"Do you know other friends who do drugs?"

"No!" I gasped shocked. "I had no idea about... He never told me. I want to go see him" They told me I should let him rest a little more and then said that she paid the doctor not to call the cops and put him in jail. The pills were enough for a sentence and I took a big breath, relieved to hear that. Prison was not easy on adults, not to say on teens like us. I looked to see it was almost the time for my flight so I called Mr. Ackerman to tell him I was cancelling my ticket and explained it was a personal matter. After I finished my phone-call I looked through the window and saw Jean was staring confused at everything around him so I opened the door and stepped in. He hissed in pain when he tried to move his hand and the women followed me.

"Don't move, baby, your collarbone is fractured" Mrs. K said and Jean stared at his shoulder, confused. "Do you remember anything?"

"No" It was obvious his throat was dry so I offered him the glass of water from his nightstand.

"You had a car-crash, Jean" my mother said. No one said anything about drugs and I decided not to, either, not knowing how he would react. I watched his body, frowning and he took another sip of the water.

"Don't cry, mom" he whispered and she nodded.

"I am going to talk to the doctor, they have to take you to surgery soon, to fix your collarbone" He nodded, helpless, probably in pain and both women left, leaving us all alone. It was obviously not the scenario I wanted so I didn't say anything, not knowing what we should talk about first.

"They found the pills in the car and in your blood" I whispered and his eyes widened, almost panicked. "The police wasn't called" I assured him and he grasped tighter on the material covering his lap. He was remorseful and maybe ashamed of this secret. "I am sorry I never realized what you were going through" Sure, I had my problems but he had his too, his family split, he had a baby sister and he had money issues. As the only man in the household he probably felt responsible and pressured by all of those things. I looked at his skinny face and felt tears trying my eyes. He sighed.

"Don't cry, Marco" he said, his voice hoarse. "Please" I wiped the tears with the back of my hand and I got up, going on the other side of the bed where I sat down on the mat. I didn't want to hurt him but I leaned on the free pillows beside him and curled next to him, taking his hand in mine.

"You could have died" I whispered and he looked at me blankly, his hazel eyes empty.

"I didn't." he took a big breath. "You don't have to..." he stopped when I gripped his hand tighter and rested my face close to his. "Marco, please don't give me false hope" He seemed desperate. "I may have been an asshole.." he sobbed dryly. "...but I don't deserve this" I was shocked by his burst so I got my upper body up and grabbed his head so I could rest it on my shoulder. He was shaking violently so I caressed the back of his head gently, waiting for him to calm down. "I miss you, Marco" he sobbed. "I miss you"

"I know, baby" The last word slipped off my tongue and it made him shake even worse. "It's okay to feel, Jean, don't keep it all inside, you can let me see" He shook his head but continued to cry and in that moment I couldn't believe I was really holding him like that, while he was crying. It was a shitty situation but I loved being with him, holding him again. He tried to hug me back but he winced in pain and I stopped him. "Your bone cracked, you need an intervention" He nodded, like a small child and wiped his nose with his alright hand.

"Isn't your flight today?" I shook my head, smiling and running my fingers through his hair.

"No, I cancelled it, I will stay here for a while longer" I said and he gasped.

"You need to go back, Marco, it's for your future" I didn't want to fight with him on this subject and I didn't have the chance because the mothers came in with a doctor and a few nurses and began to explain that they had to put a metallic plate and a few screws so the bone will fall back in place.

It seemed dangerous but they said there were low risks so we shouldn't be worried about it. The surgery was going to last three hours and when they began to prepare him he looked at his mother alarmed and then at me. He was begging me not to go with his eyes so I smiled and nodded, watching as they dressed him properly. Soon he was out the door and I was left with an unsettling feeling inside my chest, not knowing what should I do until he was finished. My phone pinged and I saw it was Oliver.

 _ **Where are you? It's departure time!**_

 _ **I am not coming today, have a safe flight**_

There were a few more messages that I didn't open because I was too concentrated on comforting Mrs. Cynthia who was almost hysterical. She was scared about his addiction, as I was and she began talking about taking him to a rehab or locking him inside the house and both of the situations made me shiver, even if they were the most beneficial. The truth was that he needed to get those things out of his system and it was going to be hard. She finally decided on letting him home and I breathed relieved that she was not sending him away; she was always going to keep an eye on him and make sure he wasn't going to take anymore.

He needed at least a clean week to get better. I was thinking I should stay with him too but I knew he wouldn't want me to see him that way so I pushed the thought at the back of my head until they announced the surgery went well and he was going to woke up in three to five hours. We went to see him and after I saw his peaceful face I went to buy some coffee for all of us.

"You don't need to stay here, mom, I will stay over the night, okay?" I said and kissed her cheek. "You look tired"

"I missed you, baby" she smiled and accepted to go, taking her jacket from the hanger and slowly dressing it. "I will go to sleep, take care of Cynthia and Jean" I nodded and she called a cab before going and letting me with a sleeping Mrs. Cynthia. She was holding his hand and I watched the image, seeing his oxygen mask was almost out of place. I went to put it back and checked his temperature before sitting on the other side of the bed and watched the machines work. They were keeping him comfortable, he had painkillers too and I spent the rest of the night like that, just watching over them. I had the comforter in my lap and I was playing with it from time to time, as not to fall asleep. It was nearly 9 A.M. when he slowly woke up and bot his mother and I were awake, waiting for him. Mrs. K smiled and went to kiss his forehead.

"Good morning, sweetheart" she said and he struggled to get his oxygen mask off. "Are you feeling okay?"

"It hurts" he gasped and looked at his just opened arm that was still sore and swollen.

"I will look for a nurse to give you some more painkillers" I said, offering them some privacy and soon the problem was done and I restrained myself from buying another drink, knowing he couldn't have one and maybe he was thinking about it. When I came back they were in the middle of the conversation so I poured some more water in his cup and waited for the woman to explain her plan of keeping him at home. He probably understood, even if he was reluctant and accepted, not wanting to start an argument right now.

I was really thinking I should remain in town and help him through this but I knew his ego wouldn't allow him to show me his suffering side, he wanted to be tall and proud in front of everyone. Cynthia said she was going to talk to Jean's dad who was also there and he begged her to tell him not to come in, which she accepted. We were alone again and he sipped on his water, looking a little dizzy.

"You're okay?" They probably gave him something to get the drugs out of his system so it was normal for him to be uncomfortable. "Just tell me you want me not to leave and I will stay" I said and he widened his eyes at me.

"If you miss this opportunity I won't forgive myself" he said and I sighed. "I mean it, Marco, there is no use in you staying here just because I am going through something like this" I nodded after a while but I was still not convinced, not wanting to let him alone at his worst. "Don't overthink, it will make me uncomfortable and that's that"

I sat on the edge of the bed and I observed he was staring at the necklace I had, it was a vintage one with a flying bird and I enjoyed it because it inspired me freedom.

"I got it from a boutique in Lyon" I said and he nodded, still watching it. He was obviously liking it so I struggled to get it down and offered it to him. "You can have it" He blinked and I smiled. "Consider it my Christmas present"

"Thank you" he said in a small voice and I put it on him, making sure he wouldn't use the hurt hand. He was a little confused and the truth was that I wasn't sure what we were going to do either, I didn't know what kind of relationship we had but I sure felt things were getting better. "That night, at the party... I was high then too" I knew what he was getting at, he was trying to make me understand he wouldn't have normally reacted like that but his words and actions still burned my skin when I remembered them.

"It's not that simple" I whispered and he frowned in bed. "You said some really bad things back then, Jean, you made me feel inferior" he furrowed his brows, trying to remember what he did. "You said I was going to sleep around because you fucked me in the ass" I quoted his words, feeling sick at the sound of them and he covered his face with a hand, turning white. "I never wanted it to be put that way and I felt humiliated because for me it was something more than sex"

"For me too, I swear" he said hurried. "And those girls, I don't even know how I got there. I know I fucked things up too many times" But he also made me happy a lot of times, a lot more than I could count and it was unfair to leave those times aside. The truth was I was feeling relieved to find out that he was not himself when he did all that, to find him an excuse, and I was willing to start all over again.

"I need a little more time" I said and he looked at me hopeful. "I can't change the fact that I love you" I gulped at the words and he bit his lip, thinking about what I said.

"It killed me not to talk to you" he whispered and then suddenly chuckled. "Well.. almost" he pointed to his shoulder and I burst into chuckles and shook my head at his dark humour.

"Don't make jokes like that, you dweeb" I pursed my lips, making him laugh harder and hiss in pain. "Sorry"

"I have metal in me, I'm a robot" he used his robot accent and I chuckled again, happy to see he was better. "It hurts, though" I nodded and went closer, watching his eyes widen and focus on my lips. His eyelashes were impossibly long and I caressed his cheek with my fingers before I got closer, enjoying the moment. I imagined this too many times in my lonely nights in France so I took a big breath and slowly glided my lips against his warm ones, letting him go as soon as we started. "Freckles" A smiled appeared on his features and I smiled back, at the sight of him.

"Promise me you will take care of yourself" he nodded. "And you will call me every day" Another nod. "And you won't get high, no matter how hard it is for you" He hesitated but nodded in the end. "I don't want any more secrets between us" I didn't like him hiding things from me, it made me feel unimportant.

"Okay" He fell back on the pillows where he snuggled and stared at me, yawning.

"Okay" I repeated and watched the little bird hanging on top of his hospital gown.


	18. I wanna be yours

My throat was burning so when my mother came in holding a bottle of water I hurried to her like an animal, ignoring the pain in my arm, just to grab that thing. She watched me worried as I gulped on the entire bottle and after I finished I sat on the edge of the bed, feeling something was wrong inside my stomach. My entire body was cold but I was drenched in sweat and as soon as I felt my stomach turn upside down I hurried to the bathroom but there was no use because I didn't reach it. The entire carpet was filled with vomit and mom hurried next to me and held my hand as I continued to puke my guts, shaking from every muscle.

"I'm gonna die, ma'" I whispered, tears running down my face and she grabbed my body to hug it, ignoring the smell and kissing my head.

"You won't, baby, you won't" Everyday was like hell, I was irritable, I was in pain, had temperature and always shaking. I couldn't keep food in so that was why I was always hungry but I preferred to eat less and that's why I lost some more weight. I could barely recognize myself in the mirror, I was pale and sick and looked closer to death with every day that passed. I wanted to talk to Marco because that seemed the only time when I was sane but he had courses so we talked only in the evenings, sometimes even later the night. He was amazingly supportive but all I wanted was to make a hole inside my skull and die because it was all too much. It was almost 11 P.M. when the phone rang and I woke up, scared, realizing I slept almost all day. I answered the phone and closed my eyes again, feeling the pain ripping through my head.

"Hello?"

"Hi, it's me" It was a warm voice and I shifted in bed so I could feel a little better, hugging a pillow close to my chest. "Are you feeling better?" I preferred not to answer that question and he got it because he began talking about his days.

Hearing him talk was making me forget a little so I enjoyed hearing his complains and his descriptions of places or of little things like what kind of tea he drank today at the cafeteria or what were the courses about. Even if he was talking Chinese whenever he started about biology, it was pleasurable to hear him so enthusiastic about cells and organs and he was even explaining me things as if I would understand them. He was not egocentric, he simply knew I didn't want to talk about what was going on and he also spoke to my mother every two days to check how things were going. I was craving something, alcohol or pills but the only thing I was allowed were cigarettes and I couldn't smoke inside so it was like nothing.

"How's Oliver?" He told me Oliver was all over him so I wanted to know how that was going. I didn't know exactly where we were standing because the only hope I had for a romantic relationship was a small chaste kiss that could've been a slip of attitude so I was jealous of that guy and worried he could be better than me for him. Well, almost everyone could be better than I was for him so it was troubling they shared a room.

"He is having a shower" he said and I imagined him getting out wet and asking Marco to dry his hair.

"Is he... put his clothes on in the bathroom?"

"No, he's usually picking the clothes after the shower" As I thought. I bit my lip. "Why?" My head began to pulsate so I covered my eyes with a hand. "Jean, I already told you we're not dating"

"But we're not dating either" I whispered and he sighed in the phone.

"No, but I love you" I gulped, getting what he was saying and he continued. "I just think we're not very good together" We were a mess as a couple, it was true but that didn't mean I didn't want us to be something. I put the phone on speaker and let it rest on my pillow as I began to play with the little bird necklace he gave me when he left. It was not awkward if we were not speaking and we were using an internet app so we didn't pay at all and we could stay like that forever. "Have you thought about what you want to do after the exams?" Everyone was thinking of college but I, who wasn't good at anything was clueless. I had some ideas but I didn't want mom to pay so much for schoolarship if I wasn't good at it.

"I think I will work for a while, I don't want to go to college, I am not good enough" It was true, I couldn't do anything proper.

"You know that's not true" Yea, it was easy for him and his high grades, he was getting the best out of highschool, he was going to be a good-paid doctor one day and I bet he wouldn't let himself be seen with someone like me, let aside be involved in any kind of relationship, we were too different. "Maybe you can try some no-frequency college, I would like to see you drawing again, you know you're really good" I guess I could do arts and work at the same time and if it wasn't going well I could quit and concentrate on the job but it was too early and I was not in the mood to talk about it.

"I'll see." I exhaled. "When are you coming here?"

"In two weeks, on a weekend because my mother found a place and I need to help her with some things" The tickets were very expensive and I knew it was hard for him because the plane was a small and crowded place so I couldn't ask him to come and see me, even if that meant weeks without him. By the time he was going to come I was probably going to get better so I felt a little hope bloom inside my chest and smiled.

"Can't wait" I could hear him smile too. "Want us to do something together?"

"Sure" It was almost sounding like a date so I began to search my brain for a right activity, asking him if he had any preferences. "Hey Marco, you should go to sleep" It was late and I was tired and dizzy too. "Take care"

"Okay, good night" he whispered and hung up, letting me alone in the spacious room. Two weeks could make anything happen, that's what I believed then and later I found it was true because it was almost February when my alarm woke me up at 5 to announce me I had someone to pick up from the airport.

I told his mother I would do that because I wanted to see him and she let me, even if she was worried about my arm. The truth was that I was taking painkillers to feel better and I couldn't stand moving without them but I had to force myself because otherwise the bone would freeze in place and I wouldn't be able to use it. I took a short shower and dressed myself in a thick black sweater and jeans before taking my winter coat on and putting on a gray beanie and heading towards the snowed car. Mom was still sleeping so I had to "sneak" outside and felt my throat going dry once I entered the driver seat. Since that day I was anxious whenever I started the car because I was afraid something was going to happen again but I closed my eyes and thought I had to get myself together.

It was fine, I was fine, I was going to pick Marco up, I missed him. I was going to hug him and smell his scent and touch his warm skin, that was all that mattered. I chose an Arctic Monkeys album and played it before I pulled on the road and began driving towards outside the town where was the airport. I could barely keep myself calm when I heard the plane arrived so I hurried to the greeting point and waited, hardly trying not to light a cig. I yawned and when I opened my eyes I saw him, carrying a backpack and a black suitcase and looking around, probably for me. When he saw where I was standing he smiled and walked fast towards me, dropping the handle of the suitcase and hugging me.

"Hi" he whispered in my ear, pulling me closer.

"Welcome home, Freckles" He finally let me go and I took hold of the dropped suitcase, ready to leave this place. "Had a nice flight?" He nodded, his hair bouncing on his forehead and came closer to intertwine his fingers with mine, making my heart race.

"You look better" I looked like someone who battled with sickness but it was nice of him to lie. The car was relatively close so we got there quickly and I put the lugagge in the back, offering him the passenger seat on which he made himself comfortable. "Can we stop somewhere for coffee? I really need one"

"Sure thing" I said as I got inside and started the car, not leaving the parking place. There wasn't anything wrong, I just wanted a minute with him, alone and without a trouble.

"Are you okay?" His voice was tiny and I turned to his freckled face to grin and nod. "Jean" he said, seeing right through me and I looked down to my sweater seeing there were small lints on it and picking them up. "Jean" he tried again and I shook my head.

"It's okay, really" He knew it was not so he continued to scowl at me and only then I have realized he was wearing the comforter I gave him. "You still wear that?"

"I wear it every day" That alone made me feel better. "I really missed you too" I hated how he saw right through me but I was glad I didn't have to tell it myself. I often thought during this month that maybe we were not meant to be and I was only insisting on the impossible. Marco had a lot more potential in a relationship than I did, he was cute and opened, patient, kind and funny while I was grumpy and rarely pleasant;

"Then let me kiss you" I said in a small voice. I was like a child, not wanting to let it go and he blinked surprised, his mouth slightly opened. I could almost hear his disapproval but I didn't give up on my idea, wanting him all for myself.

He whispered an "okay" before unwrapping the comforter off his neck and scooting closer to me, in his seat. Damn, how I missed him. He leaned closer to me and my Adam's apple bobbled hard, nervous as I closed my eyes and felt his featherly lips on mine, losing them as soon as I got them. They were tasting of apple so I knew he used a chapstick and I enjoyed the taste, biting my lips afterwards to get more of his aroma. He smiled widely when he saw the necklace and took it in his hand for a moment before letting it go. I wanted him to tell me what was going on, what we were going to be in the future but I was scared of the answer so I pulled the car on the driveway and headed to the city. At a red light I saw he kept yawning. "You can sleep until we reach a coffee shop" It was not a long drive but he could use a few minutes so he snuggled in the seat and I kept my eyes on him until the green came on. My feelings were going crazy, it was like I woke up after a murder, regretting everything that happened but not being able to make things better.

It happened the first coffee shop to be a Starbuck's so I parked there, checking to see we had enough time (we told his mother we will be home by 10) and gently grasped his shoulder to wake him up.

"Still want coffee?" He rose, dizzy and after he looked around to see what was going on he nodded. "Do you want me to get them here?" He shook his head and got up, dressing his coat and putting everything in place. We walked in together and of course it was empty because it was opening time so we chose our favorite and sat by the window, taking a few extra sugar bags with us.

"Sorry, it's weird with the time change" He yawned and put some sugar in his white chocolate mocha, making it extremely sweet.

"It must be" I commented briefly and sipped from my Americano. We stood in silence for a few minutes before I realized there was too little time for that, he was flying back the day after tomorrow and we didn't have much time to lose. "So what do you want us to do tonight?" His eyes lit a little and a small smile was playing on his lips.

"Let's go skating. And see a movie, maybe an animation" That sounded so like him that I had to grin. It was a good idea and after I asked him where was the place his mother found he began telling me it was close to the previous area so it would be easy for me with the surroundings and it was a small but good place. She probably didn't look for a big place because he was leaving for college anyway in summer and there was no need to spend much money on it, especially with the college costs that would follow. He was too tired for something serious and the situation was a little awkward so we had light conversations and in no time we were on the road again, closer to the hotel where his mother was staying. When we got there I stared long at him and he chuckled. "What?"

"See you at 6?" He nodded and got out, waving at me. "Bye" I said after he closed the door and I drove all the way home where I spent the rest of the day watching TV and choosing my clothes for later. I was really trying to look good so I spent at least half an hour brushing my hair to make sure I looked presentable. In the end I looked okay so when the time came I started the car, checked my wallet again to make sure I had enough money and picked him up, happy to seem he was a little more lively and happy. He had a Christmas sweater on and I began laughing because he was such a sucker for Christmas and all that stuff. "Hi" I greeted when he got in and he smiled back.

"Hello, Jeanbo, love what you wear"

"Of course, you bought this one" I said pointing to the sweather and he puffed.

"It has nothing to do with it" He laughed and I joined him.

"Sure, sure" The first stop was the skating ring that was well kept even if all the snow has been melting. It was almost spring so it was normal but Mr. Bodt was obviously still into winter so we had to do everything to please him. When we got there I saw it was filled with people and we had to wait in a looooong line to get skating shoes.

"I'm gonna get us hot chocolate" he said, pointing to the small coffee shop and I nodded, keeping the place in the line. There were a lot of middle-schoolers and couples and groups and I had time to admire them because at the hot chocolate stand was a long line too. When he came back I saw he choose two white ones and I took mine, thanking him. It was good and warm enough so I drank it pretty fast, making small talk. We got our shoes and began to change them, leaving our boots in a little drawer and heading for the ring. He almost tripped when we started so I grabbed his hand and for my surprise he didn't let me go, smiling up at me.

"Easy" I said and we continued skating in circles, talking about little things and having small laughs when some pushed into us and I really mean pushed and that caused us to lose our ballance and I regained it but Marco fell on the ground so I had to offer him my hand and help him. I looked to see who did it and it was a guy who looked very angry towards us.

"Fuck off, faggots" He said and skated away, leaving me with an angry red face. I was almost going after him when Marco grabbed my arm.

"Don't ruin this" he whispered and I had to close my eyes and try to calm down. "It's not worth it" He got closer and I could feel his breath on my cheek so when he curled his arm around mine I gave up on the idea of chasing that man down and cracking his head open. I didn't want to leave so I spent the rest of the time holding his hand tighter, showing everyone I couldn't care less about their opinion or their mean stares. "How is your mother?" he was trying to distract me and I played along, acting as I didn't know.

"She's gone for the weekend to a conference, I am suspecting she is seeing someone" I said and he pouted.

"I wanted to meet her too" I wanted to see her more often too but she was busy with getting the money for my treatments and for paying the bills, especially now that I wasn't working anymore. I planned to get back to work but I couldn't just yet because I was good for nothing. I felt a small pinge in my arm and stopped, almost losing my ballance and breathing ragged. I didn't want to ruin this but he saw right through me and frowned. "Are you okay?" I nodded but went to the edge of the ring, resting my back on the cold metal fence.

"You go ahead and I'll catch up with you when you're around" I said smiling, ignoring the ache but he didn't move.

"Jean" He was on the edge of losing his patience which was rare for Marco.

"My shitty shoulder began to hurt, alright? Fuck it" I whispered and he gasped out loud, coming a little closer.

"I completely forgot this is dangerous for you" He grasped my right hand and began to pull me towards the exit. "Come on, let's get out of here"

"No" I said forceful and he turned around to watch me as if I've gone crazy. "You wanted this"

"Not if it's dangerous for you, what if you fall on the damaged side? Do you want to spend some more time in the hospital? Don't be a child" he said and I let him drag me towards the door, petulant but knowing he was right. I couldn't help feeling like I've ruined everything so I shut up, letting him go and bring the change of shoes and giving these back. We spent money on nothing too which was awesome. I kicked a little stone on the ground with my foot and my boots were dropped in front of me. "Come on, let's go watch a movie" His smile was bright and I couldn't help but smile a little too, knowing he wasn't upset. The truth was he was rarely getting upset. "Come on, you big baby" he teased and I pouted.

"Fuck off" He burst into laughter and I did too before we got out and headed to the cinema with the car. "Born this way" came on the radio and I turned around to see he was singing so I began singing too because the song was too catchy and I knew every line. We really began to jam and at the "don't be a drag just be a queen part" we both burst into laughter and my bad mood was gone.

"Ice Age?" he asked while I parked and I nodded, smiling. "With caramel popcorn?" I wrinkled my face.

"No, it's fucking disgusting"

"What would a peasant like you know?" he said raising his brows and I chuckled.

"Excuse you?"

"Excuse you" he replied and grinned, placing his comforter on so we could get outside the car and inside the mall. I locked the car and checked it before he came to offer me his hand that I took without a hesitation and I brought it to my lips to kiss it, seeing his face brighten a little in a cute shade of pink. We got inside and we bought the tickets before we decided to buy some snacks. We've got popcorn with caramel too, along with the normal type and Cola and we got inside, ready for the show. During the animation we had great laughs and we never ceased to hold hands which was sweet because I could feel his every shudder when he was amused. When we got out we realized it was raining so we ran to the car, almost entirely wet.

"Shit!" I said as we got inside and started the car. He wiped his hair with the comforter.

"I really don't want to go at that hotel" he said in a quiet voice and I turned to see his face, wondering if I could suggest him to come with me. I didn't want to make it seem like all I want from him is sex because I wasn't even thinking about it.

"You can come over if you want, we can play videogames" I said like a dumbass but for my surprise he accepted, smiling a little embarrassed. We decided we weren't together anymore so it was a weird as fuck situation and the rain didn't help. When I parked we had to run to the house and we got drenched until I unlocked the front door so he sprinted in front of me.

"Shower, now!" He was right so I closed the door and headed for my shower upstairs where he already was, dressed, warm water pouring over him. His pullover was a mess so he took it off, showing me his tall frame and tanned skin along with his numerous freckles. I searched for some bathrobes and a pair of socks before getting inside the shower myself and began undressing. "This feels good" he commented as he was getting his jeans off and I burst into laughter when his hip hit me. "Sorry"

"Mine too" I said and got them off, remaining in boxers that were making me uncomfortable. "I'm sorry mate but these have to go" I explained and got the light pink boxers off, remaining in nature's beauty and seeing he was in the middle of doing that too. While he was bent and struggling with the material I felt a semi-erection starting so I looked away, concentrating on the water. My eyes fell on his feet and I gasped. "Come on!"

"What?" He turned around, naked and my eyes roamed across his skin.

"Take your socks off"

"No" He had this weird thing, he never took his socks off, not even at the swimming pool until he got inside the water, not when someone could see him.

"You'll catch a cold" I warned but he ignored me and I rolled my eyes. Sure, I mean, I've seen a lot more than his feet but he had to be noisy about it an make that face. I set the water on warmer and stood another minute before I got out and began to rub my body with a towel, trying to calm my lower parts. I got one of the gowns over and turned around to see he was getting out too. My eyes looked at certain parts and I realized I was staring at his freckled chest and hips, remembering every touch, the familiarity with which I was touching the warmth just a few weeks ago. He caught my stare and got out, seeing the pair of socks that he grabbed and turned around to change. "I'll go and make some tea" I announced so I wouldn't be creepy and he nodded, putting the left robe on.

"Okay"

I got outside the room and went to the kitchen were I put the water to boil, feeling a little uncomfortable because of the need. I didn't want the night to take this turn, I didn't want to upset him so it was better to keep away from him until my mind was emptied of this thoughts. I put some lemon in the cups and the leaves in the boiling water. I was taking the sugar out when he came and sat at the table, in front of a red cup with polka dots, still naked underneath the robe that was parting at his middle, showing his legs. I poured the tea in that cup and then in mine and sat down.

"Thanks" he said and took sugar out of the box, sweetening his. "Do you still have COD?" I nodded and he smiled, taking the cup up. "Let's go" Call of Duty was one of his favorites games so we sat on the couch and turned the console on and the TV, hearing the rain hitting the windows. We began playing and like usual, we ended up almost fighting over the game, pushing each other like little children.

"Oh my God, DIE!" I yelled and pushed him, annoyed that he took my points and making him burst into laughter. As I pushed him, he fell on his back and I on him so I lost my breath, realizing how close we were. Our faces were centimeters apart and the shooting sounds in the background couldn't match the beating of my heart. His face was beautiful, freckles everywhere and chocolate eyes looking at me with a weird intensity. He opened his mouth, his breath falling on me and I bowed down, as if I was pulled by an unseen force, crushing my lips on his hungrily and feeling his arms wrapping around me and pulling me closer on his now discovered skin. His tongue was restless and he was not gentle, like I was used, he was forceful and almost desperate, holding me tightly and kissing me until we both lost our breaths. I parted to take a gulp of air and he began to kiss down my jaw, making my erection throbbing.

"You smell good" he murmured against my skin and breathed in as I grasped his curls, running my fingers through them. He nipped at my skin and I traced my hand along his chest, stopping at his soft nipple and making him hiss. "Jean" I got what he wanted so I lowered my face so my lips ended on that peak of flesh that I sucked on, making him tremble. He was very sensitive in that area so I felt his erection growing and I let my hand travel to his crotch, feeling him through the material.

"I miss you" I whispered and looked up with hopeful eyes. I didn't mean I missed his sexual aura, I missed him beside this, I missed feeling him under my fingers. He got closer to me and kissed me again, rubbing the back of my neck. We parted with harsh breaths and I licked my lips. I went back to kissing his chest and neck and left some hickeys where I could, enjoying his struggled moans of pleasure. The flesh hardened under my mouth and I bit it, making him yelp and move under me. I got up and he followed me so I opened my legs and threw them on either side of him undressing him slowly. It wasn't hard because there wasn't much to undress but when I saw him I gulped, wanting and grabbed his thick member with my fingers, enjoying the softness. He hissed at the movement and rested his head on my shoulder, flushed and cute so I kissed his cheek before he turned his head and we began making out again, not stopping the movements. He kept growing and when I teased the tip with my thumb he shuddered, moaning in my mouth. "Do you like that?"

"Yes, yes" he half-sobbed and I gently caressed his neck before I bent to take him in my mouth, enjoying the saltiness of his skin. He tasted like soap, obviously and I licked the big vein on his length, causing him to rest on his back and moan. "Deeper" he begged and I took a little more of him, trying not to gag at the feeling of him hitting my throat. "Ohgodohgodohgod" he murmured and I let him go, not wanting him to come so easily. "Jean!" he said annoyed and I smiled, getting up and running to the bedroom where I got the needed things. When I got back he was a little more cerebral but he still had a painful erection.

"I like to see you like that" I teased and he blushed. I left the lube next to the couch and we began kissing with me teasing his dick with my hand this time. It was easier than with girls because I knew exactly what I liked and I did that to him, getting the same results. I was watching his face loving, seeing those beautiful eyes close and his lips part for pleasured sounds. I rested my cheek against his, listening his whimpers when I tightened my hold and felt his warm semen covering my fist. He was repeating my name again and again until his body relaxed, exhausted and I kissed his temple. I took the hand to my mouth to taste him and he watched me, his erection waking up again. "So soon?" I teased and he blushed.

"I want more" he whispered barely audible and I smiled.

"Kiss me" I asked and he raised a brow. "Kiss me" I repeated and he came closer to press his lips on mine, lovingly. His hands were holding mine now so I moaned.

"Will you take me?" he asked licking his lips but I shook my head so he stopped, a little panicked, probably wondering if he got things wrong and now I was rejecting him.

"I want you" I said and his mouth opened slightly, shocked by my request. It was my need and my way of making him understand nothing I said at that party was valid, we were equal in all, there was no shameful position in our relationship. I also wanted to feel him close to me and I didn't know a better way for that, even if I was scared as fuck. I was scared it will hurt and it won't feel good and I was scared he felt he same when we first did it but it was not the time to run to the hills. He frowned and sighed.

"I don't know if I know how, Jean..." he whispered and I kissed his lips.

"I want it" I tried again and he finally accepted, wrapping his arms around me.

"I don't want to hurt you" He wasn't going to, we were going to take it easy. I nodded and we began kissing again, this time gentler; he pushed me on my back and began kissing down my body until he reached my happy trail that he licked, teasingly grasping my member. I licked my lips when I saw how he was watching it and closed my eyes, holding my moans back when he licked the tip slowly. He was a lot louder than me but I swear that mouth could have killed me so I grabbed his head gently, feeling his bobbing movements.

"Marco, I'mma come" I moaned and he stopped, grasping the bottle of lube he began to heat in his hands. I was breathing harsh and I suddenly felt anxious so I looked away, not sure about my words anymore. He saw right through me and got up so we were at the same level and pecked my lips.

"You don't have to" I shook my head.

"I want to" he left the bottle go and wrapped his arms around me, pulling me in his embrace, trying to comfort me.

"I want to make you feel real good" he whispered and I nodded, trying to calm down. There was no thing as "the woman" in a gay relationship and I wanted to make it clear to him that we were the same. After a while I leaned back on the pillows and looked at him as he opened the bottle of lube and coated his index finger. I was so scared that my erection almost died so he smiled encouraging and kissed my belly. "Trust me" I closed my eyes and turned around, my ass up in the air and felt a kiss on my ass cheek. There was something cold at my entrance but then his free hand grabbed my dick and began moving slowly, distracting me from the intruding finger but not enough to make me ignore it. I probably was very tense because he sighed. "Relax, baby, just wait for it" He wiggled his finger deeper and I shuddered when I felt him touching something that made me feel on the edge of orgasm.

"Fuck!" I shouted and he touched it again, making me rub my front on the sofa. "What the hell is that?" I moaned and he chuckled.

"That's your prostate, baby" he said and I turned around with a high face but a little annoyed because he knew exactly where to find it. "What?"

"Don't act like you're God's gift to gays" I said and he burst into laughter, pouring some more lube on his fingers and trying again. I didn't realize when he got two fingers and then three and I burst, dirtying the material under me and feeling blissful. That little thing inside my ass was something else but I was still scared of his monster-dick inside me so I closed my eyes again. He put a condom on and he offered me one so I wouldn't dirty the place more. He placed the head of his member in line with my entrance and grasped my hands, slowly pushing in. "It won't fit" I gasped, feeling uncomfortable. "It won't fit!" I said louder and he pulled out, probably scared.

"I am sorry" he said hurried and turned me around to see me. "I am sorry" he whispered. I was wondering if it hurt for him too when we first did it and felt bad I was such a pussy. "It's okay, let's do it the other way around" Now I was getting impatient so I shook my head and got up.

"Let me do it" I said and he accepted, still worried. I got more lube and prepped myself again before crawling in his lap and slowly sliding on his dick. At first I felt like it was tearing me apart but maybe that was because I was doing something wrong but when I saw Marco's pleasured face I didn't care at all and it didn't last long until he hit that spot again and I yelled. "Fuck! Fuck me, Marco" I moaned and he opened his eyes, shocked by my outburst. I was losing my mind. I buckled my hips and fell on my back, sliding off him and he followed, pushing inside again and making me lose my mind. This was fucking awesome. "Oh shit, shit" I repeated and he bent my legs, watching my face concentrated, sweat dripping down his face.

"You're so tight, Jean" when he said that I grasped my member and began to tease it too, feeling overwhelmed by all that was going on. I felt saliva dripping on my chin and he bowed down to kiss me, plunging his tongue inside my mouth while I was scratching his back. He just saw my nipple piercing because he tugged on it gently, making me yell and he pushed harder and harder until I felt I was on my limit and I felt my ass tighten around him and the condom filled.

"I love you" I gasped and he came too, falling on top of me and allowing me to rub his back. "I love you" I repeated.

"I love you too" he kissed my chest, running his fingers on my hurt shoulder. There was only the sound of our breaths inside the room so I closed my eyes and enjoyed the feeling of him still inside me. I nuzzled his hair and he kissed my skin again, caressing my arm. "Are you okay?" I sighed.

"More than okay, God's gift to gays" He chuckled.

"Don't call me that" I pursed my lips, amused.

"Hunk, I thought you were going to rip me apart" I continued to tease and saw he got tomato red, making me laugh.

"Sorry" He got out and tied the condom before leaving it beside the bed and looking me in the eye. He was beautiful, even covered in sweat and I welcomed his lips when he kissed me lovingly, wrapping his arms around me and resting his face in my neck. I wanted him to cuddle me so I snuggled close to him and hugged him. "You're very needy for a punk"

"Shuddup" I said and he kissed my ear.

"I am kidding" He rubbed my back and suddenly the room felt cold so I struggled to get the robes off the floor and covered us.

"I don't want you to go" I whispered quietly and he looked down, looking guilty. "But you have to" I smiled.

"I will be back in one month for good" I nodded, knowing I was childish. I wanted to make him promise we will gonna be fine but it was not my type to speak like that, I wasn't clingy or at least I wasn't showing it. I closed my eyes, feeling his heartbeat and hoping it won't be the last night we will stay like this.


	19. There's a light that never goes out

The bags were heavy and my heart was beating wildly but I smiled all the way to the entering gate where I knew people were waiting for me. Oliver was not that happy, he was already melancholic for France but I was ignoring him as I was waiting in line for the other people to get out already. My backpack was filled with gifts while my luggage was with my initial stuff and it was too heavy for both my hands. And I also had a stupid smile on my face I couldn't get rid of. My phone buzzed and I already knew who it was - the same person I spent every day messaging and whom I was face-timing everyday and who was making me lose my head at times.

Where r u? Your mother is frekin' out here

I chuckled at the message and typed a laughing emoji back. Grammar was not his strongest point in messages but I didn't care because it was sometimes funny. Oliver left his bags down, distracting me and I stared at his almost annoyed face.

"I think you deserve better than that" he said in a sinister tone and I frowned, before getting what he was talking about. Sure, I knew he was attracted to me, he told me various times that he liked me during the time in France but that didn't give him any say in who I was dating, especially that he knew nothing about Jean. "You could do better" He was very rude and I didn't know how to act so I ignored him and stepped further, taking my bags along. I peeked over the many heads and saw a sandy blonde hair that was very familiar and smiled widely. I gave the worker man my passport to check it - it was easy to recognize me because of the freckles - and hurried until a hand grabbed my arm and stopped me. "Marco" Oliver said and I got pissed and escaped from his hold with a sudden move, almost running towards my mother and Jean, smiling at the sight of them.

"Finally" Jean said grumpily and I smiled while I was hugging my mother. I wanted to loosen my grip on her but she didn't allow me, repeating how much she's missed me.

"It's okay, I'm back" I told her and rubbed her back when I saw Jean grabbing one suitcase and I stopped him so I could hug him too. "Hi" I whispered and he hugged me back, forcefully. No one knew we were together so we decided to announce officially when there were both of the mothers present and to keep it a little private for a little while.

"I missed you" he said and smiled widely at me, obviously trying hard not to kiss me right there. He kept biting his lips and he was smelling intoxicating so I had to restrain myself too. He was looking amazing, dressed nicely and his hair combed too - which was very rare and I could already see the shadows of a new tattoo on his arm but I wasn't going to ask about it now. "You look tired" I nodded and he said he's the driver today so we all went to the car where we left the luggage and I sat on the passenger seat next to him and mom in the backseat.

"We're going to the apartment?"

"Yes, I prepared your favourite dish" Mom smiled and I turned around to smile back. She was looking tired but that didn't mean she was less beautiful. Ever since I was a child my mother has always been the most graceful and pretty mother at the parents' gatherings and in general and I had to admit they were all right admiring her. You wouldn't see she had more than 35 if you weren't close enough to see the superficial thin lines gathered around her mouth and on her forehead. I was glad I looked more like her, we had the same hair color, the same curls and even the same eyes. She had freckles but there were little compared to the freckles on my whole body. My father on the other side was from a different story: he was blonde when he was younger and he had green eyes. The only thing I got from him was the skin tone, thank God. He was Italian and it wasn't unusual for people to have darker tone skin in Italy but in America it was. The three things I was most bullied about was : being gay, having a darker skin and freckles. I used to wear glasses too, when I was in middle school but I got contacts as soon as possible so now I cut that off my complex list. I was thinking about all that when I turned around and saw Jean with a concentrate figure on his face, struggling to calculate if we could pass the next green or not. Unlike me, he was the definition of a typical American boy which was a little confusing because he had French genes. He was blonde, tall with a fair spotless skin, had a killer smile and even dimples to go with long eyelashes. He was the lover boy ever since we were little, all the girls were after him so I was sometimes confused why he wanted to be friends with me. We were total opposites.

"What?" he asked and smiled and I shook my head, resting it against the cold window.

"I am tired" I said and closed my eyes until we got there and I was announced I was to exit the car.

"Why don't you have dinner with us, Jean?" Mom asked and he accepted, looking at me for approval. Of course I had nothing against it so we got inside where I began to get my shoes off before seeing how wonderful it looked. The whole apartment was made of cream and autumn colours that made me feel at ease. It was small, it was true but it looked cozy and warm, just like an apartment should look like. "Jean helped me out" I gasped because I didn't know that but I could imagine him looking through catalogues, visiting shops with mom and saying what looks the best.

"I have a lot of time on my hands" He wasn't working anymore and he couldn't see his sister anymore so the tone was bitter and I felt bad for that. He had something to keep his mind focused on because his asshole father was an asshole until the end and told him he couldn't visit the baby until he put things in order in his life which was really stupid for a person who abandoned his family for another woman. I was surprised Jean got close to his sister because he didn't want to hear of it before but something about Coleen made him change his mind and I was proud of him. I went close to him and he grabbed my arms by the coat a little too forceful, probably trying hard not to be too affectionate.

"Why don't you go and see your bedroom too?" When she said that I followed Jean to the small room that was now mine. When he opened the door I was nervous and when I saw it my jaw dropped because it was perfect. There was a single bed in the middle covered with nice blue sheets and the furniture was very artistic, looking almost liquid, beside the posters with my favorite movies on the wall and the tiny Christmas lights placed all over, making the room look artsy and cool, like a tumblr post.

"Do you like it?" His voice was cautious and then I understood why. "I was the one who decorated it, the whole thing" He was nervous and acting cute, moving his weight from one leg to another so I turned around, biting my lip and saw he was close to a heart-attack. "You don't like it? Shit" I frowned and then launched myself with the arms wrapping around him.

"It looks awesome, you dork" I said and he gasped.

"Thank God, I was freaking out" He chuckled nervously and I laughed at his face before closing the door with my leg. It clicked when he crushed his lips on mine and I felt my soul leaving my body because of the force he was kissing me with. At one point he sucked my bottom lip before gently biting it, making me moan out loud. I breathed on his lips and stared into those beautiful hazels that watched me intently. "I missed you, babe" I felt a shiver down my spine when he called me babe and I pressed my lips on his again, in a chaste kiss before he began biting down my jaw and neck, ready to leave some hickeys.

"No" I tried to admonish but finished with a moan that made him smile against my lips. I couldn't let him do anything dirty because we were having dinner with mom soon. I was sure he left some violet spots because the skin was burning or maybe it was just his touch that made me feel this way. He was intoxicating, smelling of lime and cigarettes so I closed my eyes and leaned on his shoulder, feeling his body support mine. "I missed you too" I wanted to tell him I loved him but I thought that maybe it was too much so I decided not to, instead I continued to hold him close, showing him that. Thoughts were running through my brain wildly when a knock made me jump and pull us apart.

"Dinner is ready" mom said and we got out after another short kiss on the lips. I grabbed his hand but slowly let it go, realizing we couldn't do that. I smiled at him, though, a teethy smile that made him laugh goofily and follow me in the small kitchen that was also dining room.

The table was for two but we managed to fit and the dinner was jolly, mostly with my talk about how it was and how glad I was to be home. I really missed everyone and even if it was Saturday I couldn't wait to see the gang too and have laughs, maybe go somewhere with them. It was warm outside so I was thinking about going to the seaside with them or something similar. After we had dessert too I brought the backpack that was filled with gifts and I offered them the packages. My mother opened it first and it was a beautiful bracelet, made with something similar to emerald and she came to hug me, tears in her eyes.

"I love it, sweetie! Thank you so much, you shouldn't have" she whispered and I kissed her cheek, rubbing her back.

"You deserve it. Thank you for supporting me in everything, I love you"

"I love you too" she smiled kindly and ran her fingers through my hair. I knew Jean was uncomfortable because he was shifting in his chair so I was glad when mom's phone began to ring and she got up to answer it. She left the room and Jean began to fumble, trying to unpack his own gift. It was a book : Notre Dame de Paris so when he saw it his eyes widened and he looked at me, weirded out.

"I think you got the wrong person" I shook my head. "It's a book, Marco" he said it on the same tone he would talk if I killed someone so I burst into laughter and he turned it on the side to study it. It was old, big and in French and one of my favorites so I really wanted him to read it. "I don't read" I knew that but pursed my lips.

"There is one character there that reminds me of you, please read it" I said and made those puppy eyes that made him uncomfortable. He couldn't resist them so he sighed, defeated and I wrapped my arms around his shoulders, hugging him. "Thank you!"

"You go to France and you bring me a fucking book" he said disappointed and I laughed.

"I have a key ring for you too, with the Eiffel tower" He rolled his eyes.

"So cliché" I chuckled and kissed his cheek. He left after an hour or so but we were going to meet tomorrow morning and spend the day together. I stood up until late and talked with my mother about what I did and the interesting things I found out until I realized how late it was and went to have a shower and went to sleep. I slept like a rock and was woken up by a message, like usual and I smiled at the screen, seeing who it was from. I met Jean for breakfast at some random bistro and we sat one in front of another, yawning like two bears.

My hand was playing with the napkin on the table and his hand soon found mine and I looked to see he was smiling kindly at me. He looked beautiful in the mornings, with his hair ravished and with bags under his eyes. He was a heavy sleeper so it was amazing he was there right now. His phone pinged and he looked at it, his face lighting.

"Do you want to meet my sister?" his tone was so enthusiastic that I reflexively nodded and as soon as he could he left the money on the table and hurried to dress. "Dad is at work so now we can go and see her" We got inside the car and I opened my mouth, unable to say anything. I was feeling bad, going just like that in someone else's house and he probably sensed it because he turned around to see me. "What?"

"Is it okay for me to go there?"

"Of course, you're my best friend" I felt a bitter taste when he said that because he didn't address me as his boyfriend but it was gone when he leaned closer to me. He nuzzled his nose with mine and then pressed his thin lips on mine. He was tasting of coffee but also sweet so I kissed him again and rested my hand on his neck, feeling the warm skin. I bit his lip and saw a trail of saliva when parting so I rested my forehead against his.

"Boyfriend" I corrected and he grinned.

"Boyfriend" he repeated and then started the car, going towards a place I didn't know in town. We stopped in front of a nice buildings complex. They looked almost luxurious so I stared at the place for a while before taking the stairs. They stood on the 5th floor and I got nervous when we approached the place. I had no idea how Coleen was but when the door opened Jean took hold of my hand, encouraging and in front of us stood a middle aged woman with blonde hair and a kind smile on her face.

"Hello! You must be Marco" she said and extended her hand that I took with my free one, smiling back. "Jean wasn't kidding, you are so cute" I chuckled, turning red and Jean burst into laughter at my face so I kicked his ribs with an elbow before entering the place and trying not to ogle at the perfectly decorated rooms. We took our shoes off and then Coleen asked politely if we wanted to drink something.

"Tea please" Jean said, knowing all too well I wasn't going to and I smiled too, nodded.

"Thank you" I added and was a little disorientated when he began walking towards a door, leaving me behind. He saw I wasn't coming so he turned around, making me a sign to follow.

"Come on!"

"She's sleeping" Coleen said, sitting next to the kitchen counter and I went along to a very pink room. Everything was pink, including the pale pink walls and in the middle stood a white crib with ribbons caught on the sides, making it look adorable. There were stuffed animals too and I saw some from Jean's collection, probably donated by the same person. He made me a hush sign and we stepped closer, seeing a small bundle that was dressed in a pink onesie with stripes and teddybears. She was so small that I was afraid to even look at her and when I saw Jean's face of pure happiness I couldn't help but smile. I never heard him talking about children, he wasn't fond of them but it was clear he loved the baby in front of him, I could feel it everywhere and I felt my heart bursting with pride when he caressed her tiny hand with his fingers. She didn't stir, she continued to sleep with her mouth opened and the blonde turned to me, greenish eyes searching for my approval.

"Isn't she beautiful?" he asked shushed and I nodded, smiling.

"She's adorable" And by the way her hair looked she was going to look a lot like her brother.

"I want to hold her but I don't want to wake her up" he said and stood a little more above her until the door opened and Coleen told us that the tea was ready and we left the room, closing the door careful. I was pleasantly surprised by his attitude so my imagination began to run wild and I wondered if he ever wanted kids of his own. The topic made me a little worried because we weren't able to do that as a couple, obviously; that was something only a woman could offer him. Of course I would have wanted a child with both our genes but it was simply impossible.

"Are you usually this quiet?" Coleen asked and I shrugged, embarrassed, realizing I was standing like a statue for a while.

"Not really" I said and she chuckled as I fumbled with my cup of tea. "It's just a little weird" I said and Jean burst into laughter.

"You think so?" He turned to her. "Where's the old bastard?" She threw him a dirty look but then answered.

"He's working, he will be back in the afternoon" It was a little awkward because I couldn't take part of their conversation but Coleen felt it and asked me how was France so I began telling all kind of silly things that made them laugh. While I was doing so I smiled at the image of Jean laughing like a dork and realized we've been holding hands all along. I was wondering when he took my hand in his but held it tighter when Coleen went to the bathroom.

"She's nice" I said and he nodded, getting up so he could come closer to me. He sat on my lap and rested his chin on my shoulder, ignoring me completely. "Sure, I will let you crush my bones, why not?" I said sarcastic and he chuckled, making me smile. I rubbed his back gently and Coleen came back, making me blush but Jean to simply turn around, still sitting on my lap.

"What're you up to?" He asked and began to play with my hand, drawing circles in my palm.

"Today? Nothing, maybe I will go for a walk later" She smiled at me and I felt my skin getting more and more heated.

"You're killing me, you boob" I turned to Coleen, realizing what I've said. "No offence" She began laughing and Jean got off, going to his place with a pout. He looked cute but I wasn't in for public display of affection so I didn't call him back in my arms, focusing on Coleen and her boring plans of the day. I could recognize in her something similar to Jean's mother and the thought made me shiver because the woman probably had no idea. It should be weird, being someone's replacement and I hated the thought of giving someone up just because you were bored of him or because they weren't looking the same.

Both our families were disastrous and I hoped one day we were going to make the things they did better, if we got to the point where we could say we were family. We stood there until Audrey woke up and after we spent a little time with her we left, heading for Jean's place that was empty and where we could do whatever we wished. We had sex a few times, taking turns at being bottom and top and then we got hungry so I looked around for some pasta and began cooking because Jean was bad at cooking. Very bad. Beyonce was on when I began bouncing my backside around while preparing the sauce and arms wrapped around me, a head rested in between my shoulder blades.

"I am hungryyyy" he whined and I rolled my eyes, tasting the thing. It was good.

"Half an hour"

"You're so crueeeel" he cried and I burst into laughter, turning around to hug him. "Shouldn't you have a trick or two to make it faster?"

"Why should I?"

"Because you're Italian"

"That's the dumbest thing you said today, Jean" I said and we both chuckled before I pushed him teasingly. "And you said a lot of stupid things today" He showed me his tongue and then left for the livingroom, scratching his ass through his boxers. That fine ass made me bite my lip, turning back to my food and thinking how willing I was to put up with him for the rest of my life.


End file.
